when you were young you were the king of carrot flowers

the first time:
we licked popsicle off our thumbs
and counted to ten with our faces in the hot brick
and we wished we were twenty five
the second time:
we washed our hands of dirty chucks and pop punk
and realized our parents were only human
and we wished we were eleven
when the sun would drip with promise
and we were all skinned knees and endless afternoons

you are still endless, just-
different
more dark and infinite and distant with words that sting like
the spaces between the stars
and you want to know
i know you do
and you understand
because who doesn't nowadays
but we're the clenched fist
white knuckle bloody ragged nails sliced palms
and you act like it doesn't matter
and maybe it doesn't to you
but we curdle and you smile
and sometimes i wonder if we were better off as children

i be on that crip tonight

i've been home for a week & a half now, acclimatizing to the temperatures and the sight of white people and yeah, mostly the food. speaking of which i've started on a diet as of yesterday and already with the loss of water weight and whatnot i'm down almost 5 lbs already, sweet. so far i've cleaned out my room and sorted out a lot of my things, and started pursuing jobs. my short term plan is to find a job by march, then have my own place by april. i feel bad living off my parents again and i hate losing the independance that comes with having your own home and space, but it's okay. i also have to get my full license so i can cap off the freedom completely. ah well.

it's snowing like crazy here and i feel unequipped to deal with these temperatures, but there's a noticeable difference between cold in canada and cold in china. china has that damp snap to it that works its way into your joints and ices the tips of your toes. canada's got that dry cold that is actually tolerable despite extreme temp.

today i have to email my resume out, tomorrow going to the grandparents and seeing some old friends, saturday going to party, sunday is pipe band performance/practice. man oh man did i miss drumming and the uncomfortable creak of ghillies on the tootsies.

i love finding new bands and listening to them all day and finding these incredible songs that become my new soundtrack. i've been listening to jawbreaker, sunny day reak estate, mineral, rites of spring and jimmy eat world, etc for quite a few years - all the old school emo stuff before anyone had romances with chemicals or confessed to dashboards - but i never really listened to samiam, having thought for some reason they were 90's hardcore. yeah, i don't know either. i'm just blown away by how great they are, i missed listening to honest to goodness emo music with that raw, non-overproduced edge to it. the kind that makes your breath catch a little and you'll keep humming a few days after your first listen. i'm actually feeling that way about the new feist album too and i know everyone and their grandma is listening to it but it's just so ridiculously catchy.

okay, so this is the ol winter day playlist for those mornings when your feet are cold and there's snow in the window and you have no committments.

1. feist - i feel it all
2. tragically hip - bobcaygeon
3. silversun pickups - lazy eye
4. arcade fire - rebellion (lies)
5. patrick wolf - magic position
6. yael naim - new soul
7. kate nash - foundations
8. okkervil river - savannah smiles
9. the national - fake empire
10. jeremy enigk - on the wayside
11. samiam - sunshine
12. bob dylan - song to woody