like a father to impress, like a mother's morning dress

i have somehow contracted an incredibly sore throat, swollen glands, and a penchant for complaining about my sickness to anyone within earshot. i'm wondering if it's because i live 12 stories above a major freeway and keep my windows wide open at night.

the may holiday starts on thursday and involves 8 days off so the boyfriend and i are venturing off to ningbo, followed by the buddhist island of putuo shan, for 3 or so days. i am super excited to get out of hangzhou for a short stint and just chill out on the beach, dig my toes in the sand and savour some good reads. also looking forward to checking out the temples there and eating vegetarian cuisine with monks! other plans for the break include day trip to local tea village, a few solid meals out, and an honest-to-goodness weekend. my birthdays falls on the last day of the holiday - may 8th - so am still trying to figure out how and when to go about celebrating it as we may be returning from putuo shan on that day, followed by a Big Day at The School!

work is keeping me on my toes but a recent week-long visit from a college friend has offered some sweet, sweet respite. we packed a lot in her trip here and had some good girly bonding moments which i have been sorely lacking - most of my friends here are dudes. anyway, the visit was great, i think she had a good time and one of the coolest things was seeing as she was vegetarian, i ate no meat right along with her for the duration of her stay. i felt pretty good after 7 days of eggs and tofu and a lot of meat but the only thing was, i found i was eating a lot more starches to compensate. noodles, rice, bread, blah blah, not the greatest stuff for me.

i've gained a little weight since i've moved back here, about 8 lbs or so, but it's because i reckon i drink too much beer and am getting a little rice-happy. i know what my body likes and doesn't like so i'm just going to try to be more careful from now on.

i think i'm getting a new tattoo - "the dream is ended; this is the morning" - cs lewis quote from the last battle. life is the dream, death is the waking up. i hold this quote close to my heart because i know my dad is experiencing that now, that awakening from this dream world the rest of us are in - i'm just waiting for the morning to come someday so i can see him again.

three days after

my heart, this-
gilded thing with its
tiny wings and
pennies on its eyes
all rusted cogs
salt and the
perpetual crunch of
stamped metal.

my assembly line heart-
forged of patchwork pain
love and
death and
beginnings that end.
cold hands and
panicked looks.
aching.
breaking.

my frivolous heart-
all rosy murmurs
neon nights and
lips pressed to his shoulder.
intimately aware
of next moves,
next days,
next months.
stars in its eyes
in its hair
leaving behind
vapour trails.

my useless heart-
full up on hope
erratic and irresponsible
one, two,
three shots
that golden rush
that silver tongue
that backroom with its
concrete floors and
wicked echoes.

my heart, this-
cliche, this
indelible stain
this waste of body,
this waste of love
this gasp of air
this grasping throb
this vomit of words.

my heart, this-
boy, this
man, this
pointed ribcage, these
evening eyes and
endless smiles
these clenched jaws and
these faltering fingers
that won't hold mine.