in every direction

I've avoided writing anything on here for a long time. Part of it has been laziness but part of it has been fear in admitting what has happened in the past year. In June I started writing in an actual journal, cataloguing my thoughts and feelings and self loathing in a medium that noone else can read. It's better that way, I think, hiding the scars in a place where they can be privately mulled over. It's been a difficult year. It hurts to read over the naive optimism I had in the past. I've learned a lot about myself recently, the things ill do and say, the things I won't. It's been a year of indecision, too. Some angry nights, midnight phonecalls, drinking too much and letting others down. I let a good relationship slip away from me due to pure selfishness and an emotional immaturity that appalls me to look back on. I'm still unsure as to what I want to do, where I want to go. I don't really know what home is, anymore. Once it was his smile, his hands, his blue eyes and his confidence in what we had.