i feel like i'm losing myself
like i am a ghost
where do you fit in when nobody sees you

a-skill-a-month

so my new years resso was a new skill per month -

january: snowshoeing

february: baking muffins

so far so good!

settled in here in melbourne. looking for apartment (have temporary abode until end of march) and job, currently, but things are looking up. australia is hot, dry, and beautiful.

new years revolutions

a lot has happened since my last blog post, including three separate trips to beijing, nanjing, and guangxi province, numerous parties, new friends, bike trips, and many other adventures. however the biggest news has to be my leaving china mid-december - i am currently back home in canada, nursing a tea and warming my toes. the boyfriend and i were more than happy to finish up our teaching jobs in hangzhou, and being here for christmas and new years has been a wonderful gift. we are getting ready to leave in about a week from now, bound for australia! we will be settling in melbourne, doing grown up things like having real jobs, paying taxes, and hunting down an apartment. scary, but i'm excited. i'm ready to explore a new country and all that comes with it.

i made some resolutions this year, the usual of course being to lose 15 lbs, but i've also vowed to learn a new skill every month, be it baking bread or snowshoeing (the latter of which i will actually do tomorrow!). i want this year to be fresh, full of promise and new experiences. when i left for china around this time last year, i had a list of things i wanted to accomplish in my time there, and i'm happy to say that i crossed most of them off. this year is the same. i want to be in a pipe band again, to volunteer in my community, to find a job that i truly love.. i want to take a course on web design, be a loving, considerate friend and girlfriend, and put 100% into anything i do. hopefully, that also includes this blog. i want to learn to cook a leg of lamb and catch a fish, i want to take lots of photos and do lots of cycling, be strong and smart and fearless. so here i go.

dad,

you would have been 62 today. i wish you could be here to celebrate (or not celebrate, since you hated both big fusses and big parties). i miss your warmth, your humour, your very presence. i miss hearing you stomping around the house. i miss talking to you about life, learning from you, listening to you rustle the newspaper. i miss driving places with you and listening to your terrible music. i miss going over the day with you, making plans, talking about trips and the future. i miss your calm, stable ways and your goofy jokes. i wish you could see me now, a year later, see how much i've grown, meet the new people in my life, tell me if what i'm doing with my life is okay or not. i need your guidance and your support. i need your hugs and your smiles, your words, your voice. i miss you so much dad. i love you. happy birthday. i'll be seeing you.

home

back in canada, revelling in how cool it is. i missed wearing jeans and hoodies. i think i'm getting on track with time change, thanks to sleeping pills and a whole lot of coffee. have spent the last couple of days reading, chatting with my mom, shoe-shopping and just today - doing the local farmer's market. we went over around 9am, grabbed our organic coffees then purchased up stacks of fresh lettuce, onions, mushrooms, new potatos, and dill, and some local farmer's sausages. i'm going to make a big salad for lunch, and cook the potatos in their skins with butter and dill. i missed this so badly. the farmer's market was also great in that i kept seeing people i'd worked with last year when i'd been employed by the township, so it was great catching up and hearing the latest news on various local events and recent changes. i love the people and the stories in these little towns, and how everyone knows one another.

next week i'm meeting up with friends, then next weekend my mom and i are heading off camping for four days throughout eastern ontario, quebec, and maybe a little bit of upstate new york. i'm a whiner when it comes to gathering wood and slapping off mosquitoes but i'm looking forward to quiet nights under the stars and the smell of campfire on my clothes.

this morning, as my mom and i were fighting for space in the bathroom, i took a look in the mirror and realized how much older i look. i told my mom that i think i finally look like a woman, like someone who's been forced to grow up faster than she would have wanted. this is not something i'm afraid of and after all i'm only 23, but for the first time i feel older than i am.

the flower said i wish i was a tree

the past couple of months have whizzed by, full of parties and nights out, visits from the family, good food, good company, goodbyes. kim left about two weeks ago and i'm feeling it a little more every day. it makes you think about how temporary this place is, how transient these friendships are. the time we invest in relationships here - is it ultimately worth it when you know, at some point, in a few months, a year, whatever - you'll be bidding them farewell with only the hope of a few e-mails to keep you loosely connected?

the semester is winding down and i can really sense that promise of summer break in the kids. they're excited and so am i. i'm looking forward to having weekends again and being able to go on little trips, penetrating this province a tiny bit more. the boyfriend and i went to shanghai last week, just for one night, and i enjoyed getting away from hangzhou way too much. we had amazing meals, got to see exhibits at the shanghai museum, and to top it all off i went on a shopping spree at h&m (pretty much my number one reason for going to the city to begin with). i've realized how over hangzhou i am - maybe how over china i am. i'm so ready to move onto the next thing - the Career, the Stable Life, all of that grown up stuff that deserves capital letters and booming voices.

on july 22 i'll be heading back to canada for about three and a half weeks. i've already plotted out the best ways i can wile away time and give in to complete relaxation and the comfort of home. i can't wait to cook, to barbeque, to go camping, to walk to tim horton's, to go to the mall, to watch movies with my mom, to sleep in my own bed - to do things that wrap me up in familiarity of the days when my dad was still alive.

i guess the most important thing to document in my life right now is that i am so completely in love with this australian guy, the aforementioned Boyfriend, that most of the time it feels like my heart is about ten sizes too big and that i can spit out any romantic cliche possible. he likes classic rock, aussie football, and cooks a mean curry. he has these blue eyes and a voice that feels like home. he's clever and funny and with him, i feel infinite.

like a father to impress, like a mother's morning dress

i have somehow contracted an incredibly sore throat, swollen glands, and a penchant for complaining about my sickness to anyone within earshot. i'm wondering if it's because i live 12 stories above a major freeway and keep my windows wide open at night.

the may holiday starts on thursday and involves 8 days off so the boyfriend and i are venturing off to ningbo, followed by the buddhist island of putuo shan, for 3 or so days. i am super excited to get out of hangzhou for a short stint and just chill out on the beach, dig my toes in the sand and savour some good reads. also looking forward to checking out the temples there and eating vegetarian cuisine with monks! other plans for the break include day trip to local tea village, a few solid meals out, and an honest-to-goodness weekend. my birthdays falls on the last day of the holiday - may 8th - so am still trying to figure out how and when to go about celebrating it as we may be returning from putuo shan on that day, followed by a Big Day at The School!

work is keeping me on my toes but a recent week-long visit from a college friend has offered some sweet, sweet respite. we packed a lot in her trip here and had some good girly bonding moments which i have been sorely lacking - most of my friends here are dudes. anyway, the visit was great, i think she had a good time and one of the coolest things was seeing as she was vegetarian, i ate no meat right along with her for the duration of her stay. i felt pretty good after 7 days of eggs and tofu and a lot of meat but the only thing was, i found i was eating a lot more starches to compensate. noodles, rice, bread, blah blah, not the greatest stuff for me.

i've gained a little weight since i've moved back here, about 8 lbs or so, but it's because i reckon i drink too much beer and am getting a little rice-happy. i know what my body likes and doesn't like so i'm just going to try to be more careful from now on.

i think i'm getting a new tattoo - "the dream is ended; this is the morning" - cs lewis quote from the last battle. life is the dream, death is the waking up. i hold this quote close to my heart because i know my dad is experiencing that now, that awakening from this dream world the rest of us are in - i'm just waiting for the morning to come someday so i can see him again.

three days after

my heart, this-
gilded thing with its
tiny wings and
pennies on its eyes
all rusted cogs
salt and the
perpetual crunch of
stamped metal.

my assembly line heart-
forged of patchwork pain
love and
death and
beginnings that end.
cold hands and
panicked looks.
aching.
breaking.

my frivolous heart-
all rosy murmurs
neon nights and
lips pressed to his shoulder.
intimately aware
of next moves,
next days,
next months.
stars in its eyes
in its hair
leaving behind
vapour trails.

my useless heart-
full up on hope
erratic and irresponsible
one, two,
three shots
that golden rush
that silver tongue
that backroom with its
concrete floors and
wicked echoes.

my heart, this-
cliche, this
indelible stain
this waste of body,
this waste of love
this gasp of air
this grasping throb
this vomit of words.

my heart, this-
boy, this
man, this
pointed ribcage, these
evening eyes and
endless smiles
these clenched jaws and
these faltering fingers
that won't hold mine.

of bikes, zhongwen, and succulent curries.

up at eight today, hot shower and straight hair, bit of mapping and then i was off on my trusty secondhand bike that i bought for 70 yuan last week. he's a fair bit rusty around the edges and only goes one speed, but there's a nice little basket and the brakes work when i need them so i can't complain. i biked to my chinese lesson, arrived 20 minutes early so had some amazing xiao long bao for breakfast (a type of steamed dumpling stuffed with minced pork - perfect with vinegar and hot sauce). i met up with my teacher, chelsea, for the lesson at 10 at this big mcdonald's situated halfway between our homes (20 minutes by bike for me). it's always empty on weekday mornings, the coffees are 7 yuan, and we can work in relative privacy.

today's lesson was vocab for renting an apartment, but before we got into the book she had me just relay some stories from the last week to her in chinese, which was such awesome practice. it makes me realize how little i actually utilize the mandarin i know, beyond conversations with shopkeepers and taxi drivers. i seriously need to stop speaking to my chinese friends in english!

so here are the exciting updates in chinese (Now with twice the tones!):

1. last week i bought a secondhand bicycle. boo-yeah! = shang xing1qi1 wo3 mai3 jiu4 de zi4xing2che1. tai4 hao3 le!
2. on saturday night i lost my cellphone in a taxi because i was drunk and stupid. = xing1qi1liu wo3 diu1 wo3 de shouji yinwei wo3 hen3 zui4 he2 ben dan.
3. i feel like i'm too busy right now. = wo3 jue de wo3 tai4 mang2.

after my lesson i did some groceries with as much scrimping as possible then came home and made a weird, super easy pork and pumpkin curry that somehow turned out okay. i was inspired by the bf's amazing curry skillzZz and his awesome thai red curry last night. anyway, recipe is as follows:

- sliced lean pork
- 1 cup coconut juice
- 1 1/2 tbsp curry powder
- 1/2 an onion
- 2 cups sliced pumpkin
- sliced ginger to taste (i used about the size of a thumb)
- 1 sliced medium hot green chili pepper
- pinch of chili flakes
- 1/4 cup of water
- 1 tbsp oil

oil in the pan, get it hot, add the pork and curry powder. when pork is golden brown toss in all the remaining ingredients and let simmer until sauce has thickened slightly and pumpkin is soft and mushy. dump it all over rice and eat it while planning your wednesday english corner. hooray!

note to self: stop blogging when blue.

99% of the time i am incredibly happy, buoyant, flail my arms a lot and talk about two octaves louder than necessary. but occasionally when i'm either alone for too long or get stressed out it takes about two seconds for me to sink into a depressed mood, skulking sullenly around my apartment and drowning my sorrows in a cup of tea and woe is me text messages. earlier i texted a chinese friend in terrible hanyu saying i was feeling gloomy, and his response was actually really cool and a bit of a lesson in chinese for me:

"你要开心我也开心"

i'm a little unclear as to exactly what he was saying but badly translated it means "you want(? or must, or need?) to feel happy, i too feel happy". i'm assuming this was very sweet but the coolest part is the 开心, which literally means 'open heart', the first character being kai1 [to open] and the second being xin1 [heart]. i had to look it up to find out what it means and kai xin is the verb 'to feel happy'! i just think it's ridiculously cute. open heart = feeling happy. how practical and poetic.

i did my first english corner at a big english training chain school here in hangzhou on wednesday. it was terrifying speaking to a room full of adults as they don't shriek or randomly start dancing, but nonetheless the class went really well. i did it on movies, talking about genres, and focusing mostly on the language associated with discussing components of movies. it went over pretty well, lots of good discussion and a few laughs too. example - i was talking about setting/background, asked them to pick a movie they'd seen, then directed the where/when question at them. one guy's movie was Lost in Beijing, an allegedly sexy movie about a foot massage girl in...Beijing.

me: where does the movie take place?
student: IN THE BED!

amazing. anyway, tomorrow i'm repeating the lesson at the second school that the training centre has in the city so we'll see if that one goes just as well or flops miserably. it's only twice a week, an hour each time, but the money i get from it is covering the cost of my private chinese lessons (also twice a week) so it's a pretty sweet dealio.

between mandarin lessons, the english corners, my regular teaching job, AND the occasional freelance design work - on top of the ol social life - i am feeling pretty busy but it's definitely good for me. significant steps have also been forcing myself to cook and trying to take buses instead of taxis. i'm also attempting to learn the names of my a hundred and something students and actually plan lessons so yeah, hectic, weird, but made of awesome.

am feeling about 50 times better right now as per usual by the end of my posts, this time no t.i. but the sounds of traffic, the constant ding of received texts about open hearts and dinner parties, and the therapy that only masala chai can bring are good enough for now. zaijian!