Sunday dreaming; blue skies and patios and maple seeds scattered over the table. I read and warm my bare toes in the sun. I will finish this and make chicken piccata for supper. Lemon and capers and garlic and the last light of the day. 

My upper arms are bruised from helping my closest friend move yesterday. Everyone seems to be living in a state of flux this year. New jobs, new homes, new relationships. I am getting swept up in the tide. Another suitcase to pack, another airplane to board. Another round of apartment hunting and stress and tearing at my nails. I am trying to control everything in a life that seems to constantly want to veer out from under me. More goodbyes, more friendships stretched out and worn thin like an old t-shirt, the fabric all but exhausted from too many wears, too many washes. I can't keep shedding layers of my life like this. I can feel all the people I've left behind, let go of. Friendships that were important to me. People I truly loved and connected with. How is it that we can have these disposable relationships? Suited to us for a time then put away, back of the closet, revisited only when most convenient? 

I have these memories collected up of the friendships that have fallen behind. The long talks, the little stories and jokes, the walks and songs and meals; the exchange of things that were so important to us, at the time, that we thought would always mean something or bind us together in a unique way. Maybe that is the important thing about relationships though, or at least these ones that we've allowed to falter. The fact that we can recall the specific details that coloured what we had. A memento of the kinship we shared. A testament; a proclamation that once we were bound by time and circumstance. I will try not to forget. 

be kind, be grateful, be positive

I am trying to approach 2013 from a more optimistic perspective, finding happiness on a day-to-day basis. I am at a point in my life where I base my happiness on obtaining future goals - going back to school, finding a job I love, etc. This is a frustrating, unfulfilling way to live. The idea of 'The Happiness Advantage' gives some great ideas to help change a person's perspective and appreciate what they have, right here, right now. So, I want to try to follow these rules, daily:

1. Gratitudes
Write 3 things I am grateful for each day.

2. Journaling
Write for two minutes a day describing one positive experience I had over the past 24 hours.
Update my blog more frequently. Write, write, write.

3. Exercise
Walk for at least 20 minutes every day. Run or  go for a long walk three times a week.
Eat better, too.

4. Meditation
Meditate for 5 minutes a day. Breathe.

5. Kindness
Send one message, e-mail or text per day praising/thanking someone I care about.

wrote this a week ago

Monday morning, black ice, gray skies and a sense of grimness. Another jostling ride on the TTC and I arrive at work a few minutes late but the first to open the door, apparently. I get locked out a minute later when I go for Starbucks and forget to bring my key. The 9am meeting starts at 10:15 and there is a general sense of stress.

There is nothing more motivating, more pushing, than doing a job that offers no challenge and is given to me on a temp to perm basis. I am in Toronto, embracing my Canadian lifestyle after my year in Australia and three and a half years in China. 2012 held a lot of experiences. A painful break up. Leaving an interesting albeit badly paid job in Chengdu. A summer of teaching, t-shirts, warm beers, and staying out til dawn. A trip - two and a half months of travel through Thailand, Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam.

My solo SouthEast Asian backpacking adventure was profound in so many ways. It made me realize that 'finding myself' wasn't necessarily a good thing. I found myself, yes - found myself walking the streets of Hanoi at 5 in the morning with people I didn't necessarily know or trust, found myself not partaking in tours and sightseeing to incredible places because I was too busy sleeping off a hangover. Found myself being culturally disrespectful, at times, and putting myself in risky, unhealthy situations. I discovered other things, though - a unshakeable confidence in myself, a realization that I don't care as much about other people's opinions as I thought I did. A self-assurance and self-reliance that surprised me. I was strong, and tough, and independent. I was strangely proud of myself.

I moved back to Canada in November, giving myself a couple of months back home with my mom. During that time there were a lot of catch-ups with friends, going on awkward dates, cooking dinners for my mother, applying for jobs (with a gradual decrease in experience requirements and general interest over the course of the winter) and re-adjusting to Life at Home. I won't lie, there were times when I reverted back into sixteen-year old Danielle, getting driven to the mall and having my laundry done for me, folded and fresh and smelling of daises.

I made the decision in December to move in with my mom's cousin and her French husband in their place in Etobicoke. I have been here for a month now, living side by side with my "aunt and uncle" as I call them and their two exciteable Bichon Frise dogs and small feral cat. Shortly after my move to the big city I found full-time administration/reception work with a successful property management company. The location is good, my co-workers are fun and friendly and the pay will let me save up a good chunk of money.

Which brings me back to my original point - boring jobs are good motivators. I have applied for and been accepted to finish my Bachelor's Degree in communications/marketing (with a second core major in Mandarin) at Griffith University in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia. It will take me three semesters and a hefty international student tuition to complete the BA Communications. Classes start July 22nd. I am so excited to undertake studies in something I love. I will be one significant step closer to getting into a career that I can be passionate about - working in marketing in Asia? Something in news or magazines? Online work? I am filled with hope and possibility.

And, after the snowy weekend we've had, I cannot get back to Australia fast enough.

in every direction

I've avoided writing anything on here for a long time. Part of it has been laziness but part of it has been fear in admitting what has happened in the past year. In June I started writing in an actual journal, cataloguing my thoughts and feelings and self loathing in a medium that noone else can read. It's better that way, I think, hiding the scars in a place where they can be privately mulled over. It's been a difficult year. It hurts to read over the naive optimism I had in the past. I've learned a lot about myself recently, the things ill do and say, the things I won't. It's been a year of indecision, too. Some angry nights, midnight phonecalls, drinking too much and letting others down. I let a good relationship slip away from me due to pure selfishness and an emotional immaturity that appalls me to look back on. I'm still unsure as to what I want to do, where I want to go. I don't really know what home is, anymore. Once it was his smile, his hands, his blue eyes and his confidence in what we had.

新年快乐

This year I want to accomplish a few things, namely:

1. Lose those 10 lbs, finally.

2. Travel to Vietnam.

3. Be more loving, be kinder in my words and actions.

4. More hiking.

5. Learn CSS.

6. Keep in touch with friends.

7. Get a smartphone.

8. Upgrade my Chinese level.


Let's see how we go.

i hate how much i love this song

who will love you
who will fight
who will fall far behind

and then 8 months later

i look back on some of the old things i've written in here and wonder at the weeks and months that passed in between some posts. what did i do? what have i forgotten? what pictures didn't i take, what words didn't i scrawl down? what made me laugh and cry? who was i?

i've been in china (third times a charm!) since february. did a semester at yunnan normal university, had some amazing times with the wonderful, diverse group of friends i made there. i miss them all dearly and once again have realized how painful it is to be in this constant state of transit, here and there a few months, a year, then off again - new people but the vestiges and memories of the old still clinging to you like smoke. kunming was a beautiful place. the sky was that painful, dizzying blue, the people kind and quick to smile. i loved the food, the drinks, the walks along wenlin jie. mornings spent crammed onto the bus headed to school. it was good to be a student again and i really enjoyed studying mandarin. i forgot how much i loved languages.

i got engaged in kunming, too.

in july the fella and i were strolling along hongshan lu after sitting out on the patio of a cafe, enjoying a pot of good strong yunnan coffee and having a Serious Talk about the future. on the way home we made our way into a little park area, all green and shady with the road a few feet off. i noticed c had stopped behind me - i turned and there he was on one knee(!), his face splitting into the most enormous smile and those blue eyes so big, scared, excited. there was a will you marry me and then i remember bursting into tears and saying of course, of course i'll marry you. we hugged, i cried some more, we walked to a vegetable market to get stuff for dinner then realized we were too excited to cook. we ate out instead and celebrated with cold beers and phonecalls and smiles that would not quit. i haven't looked back.

in august i made the move to chengdu, hot on the heels of an events and communications position with a chamber of commerce. it started as internship but will turn into paid work pretty soon - still need to find part-time teaching job to help supplement my income a bit though. i'm having fun with this position. there have been good perks - nights out, free meals, cocktail parties and interesting workshops. i'm learning how to put together and edit a magazine, optimize a website, prepare for an event and fit in with chinese co-workers. they are a laid back people in sichuan province.

unfortunately c had to head back to australia for job training but he will move back out here in early november to start a year long australian government-sponsored position with an energy company. i'm excited for 2012. will be with the man i'm going to marry, will be continuing on with this work that i love more and more, will be planning for the future.

january 2013 we hope to get married in canada, in my little hometown with its pretty old church and 3 feet of snow on top of everything. after that, who knows. toronto - fingers crossed. i miss home but right now things are good. chengdu is kind to me. the weather's awful but i have the feeling that this is where i'm supposed to be, right here, right now.

new year, new skills?

DANIELLE'S 2010 NEW SKILL A MONTH RECAP

january: snowshoeing

february: baking muffins

march: playing cricket

april: yabbying

may: making damper

june: picking and prepping olives

july: desktop publishing with microsoft office...booooo

august: basic accounting

september: sewing up a hole in a shirt

october: cleaning and cooking mussels

november: a few words of the malay language (is that enough to count? hmm)

december: cooking a roast

now that we are into 2011 and i have a slew of new things on my plate, i'm not sure if i'll be able to keep up with the ol skill challenge. just too much new-ness in general!

at the end of next month i am jetting off to kunming, in china's most southwest province of yunnan, to study chinese for a semester at one of the universities. i am so excited to head back to the middle kingdom, pick up my mandarin and at the end of the study period, find a job that is relevant to my skills, my experience and ultimately what i want to do! i am savouring the thought of long walks in the city, ktv nights, scuzzy eateries in alleyways and exploring rich and diverse yunnan. i am also, and most importantly, excited that the boyfriend will join me there so we can actually stay together instead of being torn apart by our differing citizenships! funny how china has become the middle ground for us, a place where our relationship will be safe for a while and give us enough time to sort out future partner visas for wherever we end up settling, whether it is here in australia or back home in canada.

i have decided that as soon as i arrive i want to start a food blog about kunming. it was something i always regretted never doing while i spent my couple of years in hangzhou - after work, most of my nights consisted of dining in carefully chosen restaurants and subsequently raving about them in text messages.

generally the boyfriend was in tow as we ate our way through the city (and surrounding tea villages), trying the lowliest pork and mushroom dumplings to the loftiest banquets of fish, crab and all things succulent (when i say loftiest i mean within the constraints of an ESL teacher's salary - no bird's nest for us!). we ate mouth-numbing hunanese food - bits of chicken surrounded by an ocean of chillis - hotpots served steaming with lots of beer - pork buns for 1 yuan with a Macca's coffee, hot and cheap before Sunday morning classes - skewers of spiced lamb and little grilled fish being fanned by a Uighur outside our local - rice and vegetables packed into bamboo and cooked over flames - whole chicken baked in famous longjing green tea leaves - plus so many other things that made my experience in china so memorable and most of all, delicious!

i will not make the same mistake this time around. there will be restaurant reviews. there will be recipes for the hapless laowai. there will be suggestions of where to find what. just give me time to get my mind around kunming, settle in and figure out what's what.

anyway, back to the rainy day. library, haircut, post office.

doing well here!

august: basic accounting

september: sewing up a hole on a shirt

october: cleaning and cooking mussels

can't believe how long it's been!

i've been pretty negligent with this bad boy the past few months. even forgot to post my monthly skills!

i can't remember which order they were actually in, but sometime in june, i believe, i learned to make and bake damper. july i learned desktop publishing with microsoft suite (should never have happened but desperate times..) and august i learned..about australian politics! not really a skill. sorry. i still have a couple of days left though.

we're going to sydney in two weeks - really excited to see the city, do lots of walking and catch up with some old friends.

this is terrible. i'm on about 6 hours sleep and suffering the pain of chris' 30th birthday dinner of sichuan food and sketchy g&t's.

i'm off for brunch!