you've got me listening to zwan, that's never a good sign.

i wish for the life of me that i could figure you out.

wait, they don't love you like i love you

a lot has happened since my last update almost three weeks ago. it's weird how your life can change in a split second; one moment you have your course mapped out, you're happy, and the next moment you have no idea what happened, what you're going to do, how to even put one foot in front of the other. last weekend i found out the melanoma my dad had - that had supposedly been removed through surgery on his shoulder - had actually spread before the surgery, leaving him with cancer in his liver. i was so hopeful that it would be gone, and i honestly thought it would be okay, and now i realize that a lot of it was my parents trying not to make me and my brother worry. i don't really want to talk about it a lot but these things happen and you just have to try to deal with it. i've processed it over the past week and i've been talking to my dad through e-mail and skype a lot and trying to support my mom as much as possible since she she's stressed out and worried. my parents seem to be okay though, regardless of how surreal this whole thing is. they're all coming for christmas next week, well my mom comes on friday and then dave, my dad, and tory are coming next tuesday from shanghai and staying til the following saturday. as i said my dad seems to be in good spirits and he's been visiting our pastor back at home, so i'm drawing comfort from his positivity.

because of all of this, i'm going to be moving back home to canada when the semester ends in about a month. i'm sad about leaving china because the eight months i've spent so far have been some of the best in my life - i love my job, i love my apartment, i love my friends, i love my daily life here. i love my dad more than any of these things though, and i want to spend as much time with him as possible and be there to support my parents and my brother. i've re-evaluated what i need to do, job prospects in advertising/design when i'm back home, and started looking at apartments in my parent's town/the surrounding area. i guess this is a new chapter, a hard one, but i'm looking at it as a challenge and a chance to grow, a chance to be closer to the people i love the most both in physical distance and an emotional sense. things happen for a reason, i've always believed that, and i believe god has our lives planned out for us from the moment we're created, he knows every step of our path even if we don't. i have to believe that and have faith that he can take care of my dad and the rest of my family, no matter what the circumstances or to what ends.

my life over the past month has otherwise been full and i'm appreciating each moment i have left here. theresa and i hosted a big christmas party for all our friends a couple weeks back, and this past weekend the school had their big annual christmas program, in which the foreign teachers sang and danced to rudolph the red-nosed reindeers to thunderous applause. i'm looking forward to christmas and seeing my family, and in a way i'm also looking forward to new year's, because i know 2008 is going to be a tough but important year.

All I ever wanted was to be your spine.

Really good playlist right now; I call this "songs to put your feet up to":

1. The Mercy Seat - Johnny Cash
2. Teardrop - Massive Attack
3. Sidottu - 76
4. You will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. (live cover) - Snow Patrol
5. Star Symbols - Jets to Brazil
6. Shelter from the Storm - Bob Dylan
7. Come Together - The Beatles
8. Untitled 03 - Brand New
9. The One Who Loves You the Most - Brett Dennen
10. Love of the Loveless - Eels
11. 1234 - Feist
12. My List - The Killers
13. Call Me Ishmael - Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
14. In My Secret Life - Leonard Cohen
15. Yours to Keep - Teddybears & Paola
16. Amsterdam - Peter Bjorn & John
17. Vexed - Say Anything
18. Vapour Trail - Ride
19. Once Upon a Time - Smashing Pumpkins
20. Back in Your Head - Tegan & Sara

I wish I had to dedication to sit down and update this every day, let alone once a month. I vowed to write in here weekly but it's just too hard.. it's like, living here and all these experiences have now become my typical daily routine over the last half year, so it seems pointless and petty to talk about anything I do. I have to remind myself that my day-to-day life is a complete 180 from anyone back home, routine or not. Be it the loud songs of the cardboard collector biking around at 6am, the crabs being sold on the sidewalk, the little things like drinking hot milktea and dodging bicycles, listening to a busker playing an erhu, weekly foot massages, tiny twisting hutong alleys, laundry drying on tree branches and across phonelines, monks buying food in Carrefour, and all the other things that make China and Hangzhou what they are. I can't imagine myself not experiencing these things, they are as much a part of my life now as sleeping and eating and working.

I don't know why I always sound so brooding and/or pretentious when I post here. I'm actually really happy, sitting here in my woolen cap and pajama pants and having just cleaned the ears of my kitten with q-tips. It's cold, but there's a heater by my feet and tiny white Christmas lights to my left. I have the day off tomorrow and I plan to go to a contemporary art exhibition near Wushan Square, maybe see if there's anything for sale that I can hang in my room. I feel a sense of ownership towards my bedroom now, and maybe that sounds strange, but finally after six months I feel like I've staked a claim on it, made it personal, a sanctuary of sorts. I've only ever felt like that towards my bedroom back home at my parents' place in Canada, so it's kind of a new experience.

I honestly would like to marry Wentworth Miller for the following reasons:

1. He has no sense of humour but I'm kooky enough to make up for what he lacks, so look, we complete each other.
2. He went to Harvard.
3. He has fake tattoos.
4. He has a strange ethnic background.
5. He isn't built or anything which makes him easily the most appealing man on television.
6. I just really like making numbered lists.

I'm never situating a computer 4 feet away from a cat's litterbox again. This is life lesson number 290423 that I will take home from China.

no caps & run-ons but it should satisfy my parents

i missed being in china and feeling like my life was stretching out in front of me, brilliant and golden and mysterious, maybe even uncontrollable. those two weeks back in canada threw me off, i wasn't sure whether who i was supposed to be - danielle the teacher abroad going on all sorts of bizarre adventures in a foreign land or danielle the dippy advertising student who drinks too much and gets awkward at the worst times. i'm happy to be back though because i missed this feeling of complete independance. the thing is i still have to learn a lot about myself and piece these odds and ends together, there are new ones turning up every day so it's sort of hard. half a year ago i was terrified of, say, going into a restaurant and eating alone because i thought everyone would think i'm a loner or something but being here has made me infinitely more confident in myself and my abilities in doing something even as simple as going out to eat alone or shopping alone or even seeing a movie alone, and i guess to some degree it was originally out of necessity but after a while it becomes nice, devoting time to yourself and letting yourself just breathe, away from people and separated from everybody around because of the language barrier. hearing people speaking chinese has just become like white noise to me- it secludes me. that isn't to say i don't like being around other people - i've always been social and i'm happiest when i'm animated with my friends, so i can confidently say i'm enjoying having my friend theresa living and working with me, especially just to share the simple day to day things like doing groceries or watching a movie or the act of being able to cook up some dinner to share with someone else.

a starbucks opened about a seven minutes walk away from our apartment so we went yesterday on the way to getting groceries, and then i went back this morning to just sit and plan my lessons for tomorrow and friday. it's incredible because it literally JUST opened so when you go in, there's really only ever like 6 other people there but it's so huge and air conditioned and clean and wonderful, plus they have outlets so i can write and do lessons and what have you on the ol macbook. i have the most vague outline in my head right now for a book on living in china, mostly just a lot of my own strange daily experiences in it plus things like tips and recipes and tidbits i've picked up over the last three and a half months. i think it's going to be geared towards women and i might end up just having it online, like a blog or a site i guess but a book would be cool too. i don't know, this is something i have to think about but it would be a cool project. i also have to start working on my advertising portfolio since i have finally settled on being a copywriter or account exec if getting a job on the creative side is still difficult in a year from now. i want to work in shanghai next year at an ad agency, even if it's only for six months or something, since my contract at victory english school ends next july so i guess we'll see. 10 months is a long enough time to mull things over. at the very least i am going to bring my laptop to starbucks tomorrow and start working on both portfolio and book so at least i feel like i'm making decisions and being productive.

today i bought a plant and a bunch of dvds (billy elliott, mummy 1 and 2, breakfast at tiffanys, the reaping, knocked up, harry potter and the order of the pheonix, etc), and i have tonight off so i'm making tacos while theresa's at work and then when she's back, kim's coming over so we can have a laowai mexican fiesta. i'm happy and sort of well-adjusted and i'm wearing an astroboy t-shirt so pretty much my life is good right now.

as an aside - the greatest song that i have heard in a very long time is "the crane wife 1 and 2" by the decemberists. i forgot all about that story until i started listening to it; japanese folklore dictates that a man finds a crane bleeding out in the snow one day, so despite the fact that he is very poor he takes it in and nurses it back to health until it's ready to fly away. not long after a beautiful woman shows up at his door and it isn't long before they are married, but because he has no money she offers to weave for him. she makes these beautiful silk pieces that they sell at the market, they're softer and shinier than anyone else's and she continues to make them under the condition that he is never to go into the room she is in when she's making the silk. however over time he gets greedy and makes her work harder and harder so they can make more and more money, so she becomes tired. one day he opens the door of her weaving room and looks in, and he's shocked to find that she's actually the crane he rescued that one day, and she plucks out her feathers to weave into the cloth - that is what makes it so soft and beautiful - but because he has worked her so hard, she's lost almost all her feathers. when she finds out she has been discovered, she leaves the house and flies away. needless to say the song is as impossibly beautiful as the story.

Quick notes from the Middle Kingdom.

1. I feel very satisfied after doing the two loads of laundry I put off for the past week. The same goes for groceries.

2. One week free of cockroaches and counting.

3. Upcoming weekend classes/summer school beginning Monday causing stress level to reach unparalleled heights.

4. Going to dinner with some American expats tomorrow night near West Lake followed by foot massage. I need friends my age though.

5. Harry Potter book seven is coming out in a couple of weeks so I'm obsessively stalking the book store on Qingchun Road.

6. I love cheese.

7. I also love "Your Hand" in Mine by Explosions In The Sky.

8. I love Indiana Jones too. But not Creepshow 3.

9. One month til I go home for a couple weeks.

10. Finished my container of Tim Horton's coffee, now moving onto Starbucks. All sentimental attachments to Tim's have disappeared as each morning I am reminded how terrible their coffee really is.

Edit: 11. There's a really good tattoo place right by one of the campuses, so I'm thinking about getting something done on my right arm week after next. Maybe japanese-style cherry blossoms or a koi, something vivid and beautiful.

Domesticity.

2 in the afternoon on a cool(ish), rainy Tuesday. I have an open class to teach tonight, aka they videotape it and the parents watch it at the parent-teacher meetings coming up this month without actually understanding a word you're saying. It begs the question, will the blunt unfeeling nature of the Chinese be a good thing in such a case so as to ward off criticism, or will it mean they are worse than North American parents and will say outright - "You suck." I'm thinking probably the latter because if I can get called "fat foreigner" by some random girl as I'm walking down the street then I'm pretty sure they'll tell me what they think of my teaching outright. I'm fairly nervous but I spent the morning planning out tonight's three lessons so I think I should be okay, as long as the kids don't decide to randomly turn on me.

My place was looking pretty scuzzy up until today, well scuzzy for me which is still fairly clean by anybody else's standards. Even so I'm noticing these little red bumps here and there on my body, one on my arm and four or five on my lower legs right by my ankle, plus three on my right foot. I'm praying it's not fleas and is just bed mites or something that will be solved by washing my sheets, but they definitely weren't there last night. Also the cockroach situation is goin goin outta control, I found another one in my bathroom, called Richard in a panic and he told me to swat it out with newspaper then pour bleach down the drain, which I did. I have to buy cockroach traps this week to put under the sink and in the bathroom. There was a third little present on my welcome mat yesterday as I found a roach lying dead on it's back. Now this I could take care of with just a simple shriek and a newspaper shovel.

Sunday night was a bit of a debacle at the Paradise bar down by West Lake, which I visited for a good seven hours with two other teachers. I knocked back about 5 of those super-sized Siwo beers plus a shot of jack that got mostly sputtered out, by the end of the evening (before the puking began) I just remember ending up in a very involved conversation about politics between our table (one republican American, one liberal Australian, one somewhere in-between aka I had no idea what I was talking about Canadian) and the table near ours which was filled with Brits and a couple of English-speaking Chinese guys. Very, very bizarre. At some point I ended up lying on the bathroom floor, throwing up most of my innards and then some! The guys were great though, they waited for me and told me it was fine, Richard even sat on the floor beside me and tried to tell me funny stories from what I can recall. The next morning, yesterday, was pretty terrible and I had to take motion sickness pills and eat plain tea biscuits. I was still feeling while teaching my class last night, blahh, never again.

Tomorrow is my day off so I think I'm going to try to catch the Y bus downtown, which is only 3 kuai and takes you to all the tourist destinations ie. Mr Guo's villa, Wuhan gardens, Leifang Pagoda, etc. I'll save Lonjiang tea village for when Mom is here next week. I also need to pick up some things at Carrefour and see if the cheese has gotten any cheaper. I got a smallish block of Swiss for about 7 dollars (and oh, it was the sweetest seven dollars I have ever spent) and have been slowly but surely trying to savour it right down to the last crumb.

Teaching English has turned me into a bit of a neanderthal when I speak English to anybody here now, constantly over-pronouncing the words and saying "Where...are...you...from?" "what....is...your...name?" even if I'm talking to someone with like a Masters in English. Even worse than this is I'm realizing how bad I am at my own mothertongue: last week I was trying to talk about 'a' and 'an' with another teacher and I couldn't remember what they were called before I finally blurted out, "oh, you know, particles!" (Correct answer: articles.)

Song of the week: Red Flags & Long Nights by She Wants Revenge

I'm on an indie electronica kick this week.

Ferry on West Lake, Hangzhou
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue

If this ever stops being worth it, like, one day I wake up and think - "Wow, I don't want to teach today," - I am going to try to remember tonight's class of nine-year olds. I'm teaching a few of my classes the concept of "What do you like?" and "What don't you like?" The typical answers are "I like dog", "I like pizza", "I don't like insect", etc. I was pretty tired from the rigorous workout of all-day weekend classes so even my solitary Monday night class seemed like some huge feat, and on top of that, it was raining like crazy so I was wet, tired, hungry, teaching a class I'd already done about fifty times the week before, and didn't really feel like pouring all my energy into 30 minutes with these twenty-seven children who did not want to be there. At the end of the class, I'm heading towards the door and the kids are all shrieking "Bye-bye, teacher!" and one little girl who had been sitting at the back - I don't even remember her name - leans in as I'm walking by, gets this big huge smile on her face and says, "I like teacher." It was probably one of the best feelings in the world for me; teaching is incredibly difficult but it's rewarding beyond belief. I have so much respect for all the teachers I've had in my life, from pre-school to college.

I wish I'd taken the time to update this over the past three weeks but everytime I tried, I'd just get stuck and the one time I did have a fairly length update, I lost it because Flickr crashed. Needless to say I love China from the bottom of my heart. Hangzhou is one of the most incredible places I've ever been to let alone lived in and I've hardly scraped the surface. I'm trying to slowly but surely cover the tourist traps but it's getting increasingly hot (except for this past week - I've actually taken to sleeping under two sheets instead of the usual one) and thus increasingly harder to drag myself out into the humidity and sun for several hours at a time. I've done parts of West Lake and some of the downtown, especially the area I live in, and today I went to one of the biggies: Hefang Road. I guess it's supposed to be an "old fashioned" style street with little booths and vendors, and numerous shops touting everything from fans and calligraphy to noodles to giant ginger roots suspended in liquid inside equally massive jars. There was this one shop in particular that was filled with Thai, Indian, Tibetan, Chinese, and Indonesian things... like jewellry, wall-hangings, carvings, clothing, man I wanted to stay there forever, everything was so gorgeous and colourful. My apartment is so drab right now and I need something to liven it up so I might go back when my mom's here in two weeks and just raid the store for anything that will look even remotely good in my place.

Before I hit up the shopping portion of Hefang, I followed some people off the main drag and headed up some big stone steps that were leading up a mountain I later identified as Mt. Wu. It was a pretty tiring climb but after tackling 8 sets of stairs several times a day to get to my apartment and an additional six particularly huge flights to get to Victory English School's main floor, it wasn't as big as an ordeal as it could've been. The result of the hike wasn't much except sore feet and pretty trees. I guess the mountain actually just has some hotels and spas and whatnot, nothing of real interest. Following my trek was the shopping and then I hopped in a cab and crossed over to the other side of downtown to get to Hangzhou's new Subway. Now, I heard a lot of bad things about this Subway from the Hangzhou expat sites but it was perfectly fine, tasted exactly like a Subway sub from back home, all the ingredients were about as fresh adn they toasted the bread. The beauty of this place is that it's only about a fifteen minute walk from my apartment complex so I foresee plenty of Subway in my future. Either that or the restaurant I've nicknamed the Dusty Lantern due to it's...well, dusty lanterns hanging out front. It's pretty sketchy looking when you're inside and I really question the cleanliness of anything there but the food is fantastic - I'm in love with their stir-fried eggplant/tofu/chilis/mushrooms plate with a bowl of rice, all for 13 kuai. You can't beat that. They also have big bowls of noodles with veggies and hot broth for 5 kuai. Better still, this place is like...literally a two minute walk from my apartment.

Looking back on the last three weeks is like looking through somebody's digital camera really quickly; I have these snapshots in my head of just these moments that stuck. A three-hour hotpot lunch with a few of my co-workers, drinking gigantic beers in the rain with my dad by West Lake, chatting with the Korean fashion designer from Brooklyn in Starbucks, peeling pipas in the kitchen with Miss Linn, watching six straight hours of Taken over cups of instant coffee, watching the elderly do tai chi at 6am by the lake, getting lost in a network of hutongs while looking for Trust-Mart and subsequently getting yelled at in Chinese by a man with no teeth, chatting through the Mandarin-English phrasebook with a smiling family on the bullet train, teaching kids in classrooms so hot I could feel the perspiration dripping down my back, passing tanks of live frogs, turtles, eels, and numerous other fauna in the CenturyMart grocery store, humid mornings spent strolling around my neighbourhood, hacking up both my lungs from the pollution, making instant cappuccino in dusty old jello containers at school with one of the Australian ESL teachers, and a multitude of other little memories that are insignificant at the time but come back to me days later. These are the moments that make living here worth it. When I get frustrated from the language barrier and the lack of understanding, when I want to just sit down and cry because I miss the comfort of security and safety and cleanliness and familiarity, when I just get so tired of the constant stares - that's when I remember why I love this city, this country, why I love this job and why I chose to do it to begin with.

from vancouver

On the Yonge subway line in Toronto, there's this one part of the track that suddenly opens up and runs outside, just between Eglinton and Davisville. You're constantly expecting the dim clack-clack-clack but then there's a burst of light and greenery, rough brick neighbourhoods and low-rise commerce. My life feels a little bit like that right now.

new D&G glasses. hoo-rah.

i got that lefty curse
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

The Read My Mind remix album by the Killers is amazing, who would have thought one pretty decent song could be spun in 10 different ways? I am boggled, albeit digging the Pet Shop Boys radio edit remix. What else is new in the world of piracy? I procured one of Dane Cook's CDs which I already listened to a few months back - "Vicious Circle" - because homeboy is the only comedian who can make me literally laugh out loud, even if I'm in public listening on my iPod.

Anyway, here's what's important.

THINGS I WILL INEVITABLY MISS ABOUT CANADA*:

- Tim Horton's bitter sludge (this may or may not include Iced Capps and Rrrroll up the Rrrrim)
- Hockey night in Canada (which I never actually watched, but boy, will I miss channel surfing past it!)
- Chapter's and it's thorough selection of Stephen King paperbacks
- Chilly summer days
- My parents (they will read this within the next week or so, so, you know)
- My cat and his jaw-cracking yawns and mutterings
- Toronto (no other city will be loved as fiercely as I love the t-dot)
- Canadian television (CBC news - I love finding out about the latest Scarborough waterpipe crisis! also Slice...oh Slice, I hardly knew thee. And Comedy I guess, how else am I supposed to watch Family Guy and South Park back to back? I ask you.)
- Canadian literature, oh wait, the more miles between myself and that bitter mire of insecurity, death, and cynicism, the better!
- The Muskoka-style restaurants of varying names (see: Turtle Jack's, Montana's, Loopy Joe's, Shoeless Mike's, and so forth) and accuracy, but all with one common goal: to look the most rustic and bear the most fake antlers.
- Zeller's, the Bay, and it's various derivatives.
- Those Canadian Tire commercials. Come on.
- TBS Superstation. Not Canadian, but still an integral part of daily life here.
- Long expanses of manurey fields, highways like twisting ribbons, the occasional moose being ridden by a mountie on his way to a beaver dam.
- Fresca! I truly hope this drink exists in China, or else I will be done for.

THINGS I WILL INEVITABLY NOT MISS ABOUT CANADA:

- Dalton McGuinty.


---

* subject to change.

Endings, beginnings, and in-betweens.

Two things happened today: I turned 21, and my great aunt - Tante Louisette - was buried. I will always remember my 21st birthday because I flew to Montreal in the morning with my mom for the visitation and funeral. She armed me with only one phrase for my grieving relatives: "mes sympaties". That phrase rolled around my mouth about fifty times and I think anytime I was introduced to anyone, I just blurted it out. I'm a little surprised out waitress at L'Oufarie didn't hear it too. The casket was open which shouldn't have shocked me, but as I stared down at the face of this corpse - this 90-something year old woman who once held me when I was a baby - I could really only think how disrespectful it was to have her lying out like that, poisoning everyone's final memories of her. The funeral itself was a bit better. I'd never attended a Catholic funeral mass - let alone in French - but it was good. I liked the comfort of old, worn-in rituals and the burn of incense. It's not familiar, but it's like a pat on the shoulder, a final "it's okay."

I'm moving to China in eight days. I alternate between absolute terror, extreme sadness, and elation/excitement. I keep trying to rationalize these feelings and how it will be when I'm there, but I really can't imagine it. I'm already getting that hollow feeling of missing my family, deep-rooted in my chest and prodding at my heart. I wonder if that feeling ever really goes away, no matter how old you are.

My ESL job is in a city called Hangzhou, about two hours out from Shanghai. I will chronicle the experience in here, hopefully with accompanying pictures and youtubes so my family can keep tabs on my daily life for the next year.

Hi, guys.

Oh yeah - the music that is moving me more than anything right now: the new Elliott Smith. Let's just hope he continues to pull a Tupac and keeps cropping up with albums long after his death. Viva Makiavelliott! Anyway, the album is called "New Moon" and so far the best tracks are Either Or, New Monkey, Fear City, and Thirteen. Actually all of them are fantastic in ways that XO weren't, so, that's that.

I'm slacking on P365.

Today seems to be one of those days where I want to alternately kick everyone in the throat or just, you know, hug them. I was running insanely late for work this morning (see also: I showered) but I still managed to get here before anyone else. I think I'm becoming one of those jerks that drinks Starbucks every day and saunters down the street, venti in hand and purse slung over one shoulder, high heels clacking along. The novelty of high heels has worn off by the way and now they just pinch my feet and burn my toes.

I'm seeing the Bouncing Souls tonight; theyw ere at Warped a few years back and I missed out in favour of other bands that were once very cool in my eyes. Now I'm finally living my dreams and getting to watch them play. Boy #2 is coming to see them with me and staying for the weekend. Not really looking forward to it. I have a meeting in the morning with a client and I think it's our last one. At least, for me. I'm moving back home in a week and I've never been more excited to sleep on my futon and drink vast amounts of wine with my parents. Yes!

Got another job offer for China - this one in Dongguan. I told them I'd take it if they want to hire me for real, because it pays a good amount, the city is 45 minutes from Hong Kong, and everything seems very reasonable so I'm extremely happy.

this is how we do

Sunny with a chance of starbucks. Again. Work was good, went by quickly. Took some pictures for the newsletter. Killing time before my phone interview with a school in Shanghai. I have a huge piece of line-less paper filled with scrawls of questions I need to ask and topics I need to bring up. I really don't want to know how much this will cost, haha.

I've felt sick since this morning, I don't know what it is but my head is pounding and I thought I was going to puke on the bus. It was jammed, everyone was sweaty and in their wintercoats because this morning had been cold. Nobody really believed today would end up so warm. We were crammed like sardines and there was massive traffic because the 401 was closed for some reason, so we ended up lurching into each other every few feet. I kept thinking back to when I was in Cadets, and how they'd tell us to bend our knees just slightly and wiggle our toes to keep the blood pumping so we wouldn't black out when we were standing at attention. Funny how the most random things can be applied to situations that you'd never see coming.

When this interview is done I'm going to make some toast and soup, read, watch South Park, then sleep as long as humanly possible.

Yonge&Davisville

Davisville
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

on the way to work. davisville subway station.

great day - sunshine, starbucks, shopping at eaton centre, dinner out with my pops.

wish i was there

wish i was there
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

weird bottle at work. i have nothing good to say today.

view from an office

view from an office
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

This is what I see every day at work. Pretty, but I miss the sun. Sometimes I imagine the people in that building across the parking lot stare into my office and watch me creepily.

I haven't fallen in love with a band as quickly and as hard as I have with Jets to Brazil. The music and words grip your heart and squeeze gently. I have been listening to their three albums - Four Cornered Night, Orange Rhyming Dictionary, and Perfecting Loneliness - for the last forty-eight hours. JTB was Blake Swarchzenbach's band after Jawbreaker went their separate ways, so you can still hear some of the Jawbreaker influence in the songs, like fuzzy guitar, obscure lyrics, and Blake's gravelly voice, but still...it's all unique and it's all amazing stuff. My two favourite tracks are definitely Sweet Avenue and Your X-Rays. I want to write a letter to this guy and thank him for putting this music in the world and once again re-instilling my faith in artists.

So I was checking MSNBC at work and I saw the news report on the shooting at Virginia Tech. I felt so sick after, like I'd swallowed something toxic and I found that I almost cried, which is odd because I've never felt that kind of empathy and compassion towards any other disaster except 9/11 and a few other things...I think for the most part I'm pretty apathetic which is terrible to admit, but this VTech shooting really got to me. I could sit here and preach about how disgusting and sad humanity is, but I'm part of it and so I'm part of the problem unless I get off my ass and try to make a difference. Nonetheless, it's unbelievably saddening and I hope the families and friends of those students eventually feel some sense of peace, as hard as that is to imagine.

sunday

perks
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

I applied to a bunch of potential schools and english centres in China today. Most were in and around Beijing, but there were two in Shanghai, one in Guangdong province, and another in Nanjing.

I get restless on weekends and watch too much TV. I broke up my time by re-reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, as pictured here. It took me about two and a half hours to get through the whole thing. I hadn't read it since high school, so it was refreshing and I think I just actually got it this time around. It's funny, once you've gone through some of the things that Charlie goes through in the story, or you've experienced some of his feelings, you relate in an entirely different way. You can see yourself again, back at that "low point", that part of your life that everybody shies away from. And the whole time these thoughts beat against your skull likes moths in a lantern, and what hurts the most is that nobody will even try to come down to your level and relate. Maybe that's why I secured my first real best friend - she was on the same pills, she could joke about those truly difficult, painful nights, she could actually get what I was saying and counteract with her own experiences. Reading Charlie's letters make me feel a little like that again; like I'm not alone when I sink myself into those memories, and that somebody else felt the crippling exhaustion of it all, and most of all the numbness that comes with it, shutting down your mind and your body until all you can do is sit and stare and walk around like a zombie, minus the whole eating people thing. I've come a long ways since week-long bedroom vigils.

I hate to sound like some teenager off myspace who listens to FFTL and writes bulletins about how much they hate their parents. I love my parents, I really do, and I think my life is both beautiful and absurd. It's just these Sundays where you feel like a Smiths song and your brain aches from a painful story but in the end, you're content.

how to get through a hangover saturday

how to get through a hangover saturday
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

went to the club last night with some friends, drank a lot, woke up to grilled cheese, coffee, and empire of the sun on history channel. still love that movie - ever since i was a kid, but mostly because my brother liked it.

spending the rest of the day watching ripped movies and nursing a coffee. i foresee an early night.

tomorrow: hopefully some shopping, maybe see blades of glory.

Neutral.

neutral
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

Sometimes the simplest things are beautiful.

Two necklaces for 30 dollars at Mantra at Yonge & Imperial. This was on my lunch break, along with an amazing bento box lunch for $6.99 at Echo Sushi on Yonge Street.

Sometimes I get so depressed it hits me in the chest like a punch, sucking my breath away. I miss your awkward words, I miss what home feels like. I keep holding onto something - maybe not hope, that's too optimistic even for me - so it might be the anticipation for closure.

There's this girl that likes me a lot and sometimes she lies to humour me, but mostly she likes to text me at 3am and tell me I'm beautiful. She's got long hair and blue eyes and her mouth is wide and she laughs a lot, at anything and everything, and I don't always know what to tell her but I'm glad she's my friend, because she reminds me that sometimes "hopeless" is okay, and sometimes romantics are just a smile or a casual phonecall.

There was once a boy on cocaine that didn't hold my hand and didn't hold doors open for me, and while I always compared him to the other boy, I still cared about him enough to get mad when he blew blood into a kleenex and laughed about addictions like they were old news.

All things considered, I think hearts are tougher than we give them credit for.

happy feet

happy feet
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

a million years ago or more
when i stepped the threshold of your door
and sat crosslegged on your floor
i knew then, what a heart was for:
eyes to blind and hands to sear
mouth to mold and cheeks to tear-
all the world between your fingers
and in that thought, all feeling lingers

mess

mess
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

it's a beautiful day and i love slice. i have a top ten list to write, and i can't stop listening to lily allen. i worked hard today and it felt good. my shoulder hurts from my laptop bag. i have an exam tomorrow. yesterday afternoon somebody told me that i was selfish and a bad friend and i only cried after because it was true, not because it hurt. which it did. i'm making stirfry tonight and dreaming of june. i can feel summer starting to crawl under my skin like a warm buzz of bonfires and the crackle of cicadas in the backyard.

happy easter

happy easter
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

one day off, oops. we had easter dinner at my grandparents yesterday. lot's of wine. the empty chair was mine.

i love my grandparents because i can rib on them and they just laugh and think i'm precocious.

reds & grays

new hair colour
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

Got my hair coloured and trimmed. Went to Tandoori Grill with my mom, two of her friends, and one of the friend's daughter and her husband. It was fun, I got complimented, I can't complain.

Song of the week: Break Myself by Something Corporate.

06 april 2007

06 april 2007
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

the snow followed me home.

dinner tonight with a couple - she was polish, he was persian. crazy polish easter soup, crazy persian tea with lemon, crazy ten-year old son who i really just wanted to adopt. also too much cranberry liquer.

P365: 05 april 2007

07 april 2007
Originally uploaded by viva_skyblue.

I guess I'm doing project 365 now because this year is going to be memorable, and maybe a little sexy. For those of you who don't know what project 365 is - it's a committment to post one picture a day of something that stood out that day, or just anything really that is even mildly memorable or different. It's just a way to look back on one year of your life and see what happened.

Today's picture was my lunch, a truly horrific looking affair from Dim Sum Daily on Yonge & Davisville. 5 bucks to fill a little styrofoam carton, man it's a student heaven.

For the record, that spring roll was really freaking good.

Anyway, heading home tonight for easter holidays. Getting hair dyed on Saturday plus eye exam and new glasses, it's about time seeing as I've had the same pair since grade ten.

i think i'm getting a cold.

There's days where I want to stay in bed all morning, curled around a coffee and glued to TLC. There's days though, just occasionally, where I like to get up at 7:30 and take a shower and pack a tupperware with salad and hop on the subway. Everyone has their eyes closed and their chins on their chests. The heater's warm and the windows are cold and I like to listen to pretentious indie bands that just seem to fit. The beauty of North York at such an hour is the mish-mesh of cultures and colours going to work. I like to think that maybe this is reaching the pinnacle of our civilization - all races, all religions, all ages, just sitting on the 39 Finch East, eyes closed, purses and bags clutched on laps. It's nice, it's unifying. I like knowing I'm part of something bigger.

I got an e-mail today from my TESL training asking me to consider initiating placement. I have narrowed down my three top countries: China, Japan, and Tibet. My first city choices are definitely Shanghai, followed closely by Beijing and Qingdao, but I wouldn't mind Lhasa or Tokyo - well, anywhere in Japan, really. Or Thailand. See, I'm utterly indecisive. The site mentioned summer camps in China. That could be interesting, doing a 3 month stint there then packing off elsewhere for either a six-month or one-year contract. I love that I actually have a choice, it's so exciting.

On the internship front, everything is going great. I definitely want to make an eventual career out of event planning and public relations. It's fun, it's creative, and the people are wonderfully stressed and motivated.

And now for a little game called 'Find Danielle A Place To Live In Toronto For The First Week of May.'

Drugs, drugs, drugs, which are good, which are bad.

11:41am. I sink into my coffee, steam curling. Work stretches its muscles, flexes its fingers and cracks its knuckles. Down to business.

I can't escape selling, no matter what I do. My parents always called me "the negotiator". I sell ideas, I sell my opinion - whether it's for 50 bucks in my bank account or a ride to SilverCity - I'm always selling something. I think some people are just born that way - as salesmen. I thought event planning was finally a breath of fresh air from the constant buy buy buy mentality that's been even more ingrained in me thanks to Creative Advertising, but not so. Now I'm selling this little company, asking for funds and support. It's for a much better cause and yes, it's reasonable, but it's still selling.

It's funny, I was sitting in my miniscule office and studying bigdatabase.com for possible sponsors, and all I could think was - "Okay, why would these big corporations buy into this, what is their sweet spot, their tipping point, what makes them feel as though they need to be socially responsible," and so on. I was already mentally writing a pitch letter asking them to buy into it, selling, negotiating, wheeling and dealing like there's no tomorrow.

I've come to terms with it though: I can survive in advertising, I'm okay with selling, it's as much a part of me as my Caramel 3463 highlights or awkward remarks.

I had lunch today with a friend from my advertising class who's interning just down a block down from my building at a media company. We both agreed our favourite thing about interning is not the experience, not the networking, not the knowledge and subsequent power - but the feeling of putting on a pair of dress pants and a fancy top in the morning, and the fact that we now have time after work to do things like watch movies or go out with comrades because we have no homework anymore. I laughed very long and very hard because the fact is, we're slaves to the idea of these jobs, not the practical reality.

Even so, I can't help enjoying putting on high heels. Just a little bit.

i'm telling you, it says moops

I'm done school and done TESL training, so here's to sweet, sweet beginnings!

My mom is one of my best friends - I say that without shame.

Things are getting better. I'm not complaining anymore - there's no reason to, really. I have a lot to be happy about. There's no need to elaborate so take that as you will.

There are three songs that have my heart right now:

1) Jinx Removing by Jawbreaker - this song feels like first crushes and dusty attics, poignant sharp memories.
"Too old not to get excited about rain and roads, Egyptian ruins, our first kiss. I love you more than I ever loved anyone before, or anyone to come. Someone said your name, I thought of you alone. I was just the same, twenty blocks away. Blew twelve and kissed the thirteenth finger."

2) Honestly by Zwan - I can't even put this one into words, it's beautiful without that sickly sweetness of other love songs.
I'll make a joke so you must laugh, I'll break your heart so you must ask, 'is this the way to get us back?' I don't know, honestly."

3) Don't Think Twice, it's Alright by Peter Paul & Mary - I went to a PP&M concert a few weeks ago, they played this and it stuck.
"Look out your window and I'll be gone, you're the reason I'm traveling on, don't think twice it's all right."

Yeah, so, download them.

Two weeks.

It's funny how I see everything as now having an expiration date. My "home", my possessions, my friendships and relationships, my family, even the piece of metal through my lip. My life is a series of endings that bring me a little closer to figuring myself out. I need this next year - I owe it to myself, I owe it to the people who love me, I owe it to the angry teen on anti-depressants. I'm dreaming bigger than ever before but taking more risks than I know how to deal with. Last night I lay in bed and realized how attached I am to the temporary: my dorm, my hobbies, my routine, this seat at the back of the bus...growing up is learning to let go. Growing up is steeling your heart against the what ifs and the same old fears under new guises. In three months from now none of this will matter. I have to move in six weeks and I don't know where I'll be livin, and even then - wherever that mystery location is - I'll be leaving it a month later. I'm scared of getting comfortable and settled into a schedule. I don't want a cushy studio apartment with my 9-5. I want to immerse myself in a new culture, new people, new experiences. I don't want to MAKE a difference; I NEED to.

Lately I've been listening to this band called get cape wear cape fly. They have this song called "Call Me Ishmael" and it sort of defines my life right now: "You are not your job, and you are not the clothes you wear, you are the words that leave your mouth so speak up, speak up loud, for none of us want to sit, in evaluations taking notes for hours, we're all sick and tired of waiting, lets set sail."

My angry tirade yesterday has calmed considerably. I'm starting my ESL course tomorrow. I'm another step towards airports and goodbyes, complacency with myself and my life. Sometimes I wonder what I'll do without you in my life. You will replace me despite attempts to keep in touch. "I miss our talks", you'll say, so you'll miss the memory of me, but not me in the flesh. That's okay, I think it's for the best anyway since you can never give me what I want and I can't stay happy with how we are for very much longer. Clean break or messy break, see it how you will.

When I think about my brother I feel like crying. At the hardest points of my life, I need his approval more than my parents. Strange how things work out.

"You have within you the power of a thousand snow days."

One of the many reasons I love Toronto is its ability to abandon all hope at the sight of a single snowflake. Yesterday there was a weather prediction of 10-15 centimetres of snowfall and some of my teachers talked about cancelling today's classes in advance. I'm not sure how 10-15 centimetres translates into such an emergency but when I looked out of my window this morning , I realized it's all part of the city's psyche. Cars crawling over the road like insects, the occasional truck lumbering through, and the consistent bleep bleep of snow ploughs and of course, police sirens. I can chalk this all up as the arrogance of a small town girl who has seen many a blizzard and plenty of snow dumped onto the roads day after day - with very few cancellations - but I must remember that this is Toronto, so everything's a big deal.

I was perusing my RSS feed (thanks Google) this morning and the Toronto Star had a great quote: "It's not as if we're going to be buried in the snow, or call out the army or anything like that," said Environment Canada meteorologist David Phillips. "It's pretty much a ho-hum."

Nevertheless, after a lot of texts from the warm cocoon of my bed this morning, it became apparent that most of the city DOES think this is more than a "ho-hum". In fact, it could even be considered a "broohaha"; either that, or Torontonians just really like having an excuse not to go to work or, more importantly, class. Case and point: myself.

I can think of nothing better than being "snowed in" on Valentines Day, free to watch episode upon episode of What Not To Wear, Ten Years Younger, all while consuming vast amounts of Muslix. This holiday, kick it old school! Or at least until Lavalife gives me something other than 38-year old engineers from Mississauga who are interested in getting married and having children. Until then, I have TLC - and really, isn't that what people want most on V-Day?