i cleaned out my closet today (no, really, that isn't a song lyric)

my dad has been in the hospital for exactly a week now due to pain from the cancer that is now in his spine, some area of soft tissue, and a few other bones that unfortunately i can't recall the names of. he did a bunch of radiation treatments and is on painkillers, so he's slowly starting to walk again with a walker and a cane. i can't begin to tell you how much of an emotional rollercoaster the past two weeks have been. at the same time my family has drawn so much closer together to support each other. my brother and i talk much more, my mom and i have this amazing candidness between us now, and my dad and i spend a ton of time together. it's so wonderful to have this love shared between all of us, this honesty and this appreciation of one another, even in the midst of something so devestating and hard to deal with. each day is scary and challenging and we cry a lot but we also just get on with it and bite the bullet. i'm still working 9 to 5, still doing what i always did. i guess we need some sense of normalcy when something so close to us stops making sense. i feel in some ways that i've skipped about 10 years of my life, i have no desire to go out and party or drink or do whatever other 22 year olds are doing because i'm slowly losing my dad to cancer and its putting everything into perspective.

i woke up again this morning with the sun in my eyes

i have two nicknames, the first being stan and/or stanley which somehow got attached to me at the ripe age of 7 or so. special thanks goes to my brother for that one. my dad, my brother, and some of the people i've known since that age continue to call me that and i can't even complain anymore because unfortunately i answer to it as naturally as "danielle". nickname number two is danni and/or dani which seems to be what the americans in my life call me, i'm not too sure why exactly, is it some sort of south of the border thing? who knows. i'm not counting dtox as a nickname because it is AWFUL and an annoying college thing that sticks with you for years after (along with mismatched dish sets and weird bags).

today i went to paris (ontario, sorry no latin quarter) for first impressions community exchange and enjoyed some mild shopping and rain showers, a decent chicken wrap, and quality time with the boss-man. i enjoy my job so much it's not even funny. this week is going by way too fast.

i'm so into third eye blind again, i just adore all the songs off their self-titled album. anyone who doesn't melt at "how's it going to be" either has no heart or is donny deutsch. "motorcycle driveby" also gets me everytime. in the music vein - the new ashlee simpson cd is hilarious and i love the song hot stuff and her stupid voice, her greatness is multiplied a million-fold by the fact that she is now pete went'z WIFE. whhhaaaaaat.

my ex from a few months ago is engaged now and i guess that's weird but cool at the same time. i think that's kind of what he's been looking for for a while and now he's found that, so, you know, good on him. you have to be happy for people who are engaged, i think it says a lot about them in terms of committment and wanting to beat the divorce odds. i'm also extremely excited for my brother and my future sister in law because they're both amazing and the wedding is going to totally rule. let's be honest i'm mostly excited for the open bar.

i'm down about 26 lbs now, that's a little bizarre and i still can't see an iota of difference when i look in the mirror. my mind has not quite caught up with the rest of me and maybe because i've been chunky all my life i'll always see myself as a whale and obsess about how other people perceive me. i remember once in like grade 2 being made fun of for being bigger than the other girls - honestly i was pretty small back then so i don't even see how that worked but for most of my life i've been out of shape and stuff, never really made fun of a lot, but still. maybe this stuff sticks with you for your entire life. i can't see myself ever being 100% confident about how i look even if i lose another 26 lbs, especially compared to a lot of my friends.

i will be your ferdinand and you my wayward girl

as far as birthdays go, today was pretty good. i'm still getting used to lack of local friends and i thought today might be brutal in terms of making me feel incredibly lonely, but my lunch out with all my works friends - all married, all over the age of 50, all with kids my age my age or older - just made me feel incredibly awesome. i got a beautiful mixed media piece of artwork from my "boss" deb, a $25 gift card for mermaid antiques from margaret, cards, and from al i received a signed copy of a book he'd written on some aspects of the history of wellington county (i am a big local history buff now, dum dum dummm). from the parents - ipod speakers, mexx pants and gorgeous top, really beautiful necklace, and dinner out. also money from my relatives, a pajama sweater and purse from my grandparents, and flowers from my brother and his fiancee. pretty solid stuff. birthdays get kind of lame the older you get, i think, and i'm still not quite processing that it's come and almost gone but that seems to be the trend for me this year. delayed reactions all around.

i've now lost about 21 lbs which is a big feat for me since i'm such a fan of bread and sweet sweet cheese and am now down to weight watchers ultra thin floppy bits of bread and this bizarre no fat no taste mozarella, but that's ok by me. the best thing about losing weight is shopping for sure, i love clothes, man, and the more i can fit into the happier i am. i am still about another 25 lbs away from my "goal weight" since i've been slacking quite a bit lately but better 25 than 40.

the brochure i did for the fergus 175 stuff got published and i'm so stoked, it turned out pretty sweet. it's gratifying actually seeing something i created and being able to hold it in my hands and know it was distributed to 3000 people. that's whack.

my dad's starting radiation treatment in about two weeks from now as the cancer has spread to his upper right leg, in the bone, and also to one of his ribs. they're going to blast it down a bit so he'll be in a lot less pain. still surreal, still don't know how to really talk about all of it. i've realized though even when i'm crying about it and everything gets really overwhelming i've still never given up hoping that he'll go into remission and things will somehow turn around, despite it being stage 4. he's amazing, honestly, he's so strong and anyone who hasn't met my dad has missed out bigtime thus far. i know a lot of people are scared of him because he comes off as serious and tall and intimidating but he's a riot, funny as all get out, knows all the words to cheesy 80s songs and is terrible at guitar hero but plays it anyway. i wish everyone in the world could know him like i do.

in closing, i can't wait to see the new indiana jones. goodnight.