dear sufjan stevens,

i'm sorry for forgetting about you for three years. thanks for still existing when i remembered.

forever plus a day,

danielle

...and by night i blog about FISH!

so, amazingly easy low fat tilapia recipe. tilapia has become one of my new favourite fish because it's incredibly low in calories and fat, and it's absolutely delicious - and affordable.

per fillet: a few slices of lemon, a couple slices of onion, mushrooms, slivers of red pepper - whatever veggies you wanna throw in there. place the tilapia fillet on a piece of tin foil, douse it with black pepper and garlic powder. squeeze a bit of lemon juice on there then lay the slices of lemon over the fish, along with some slices of garlic. throw the veggies on top then fold it all up in a neat little foil package and toss it in the oven at 400, bake for about 20 minutes, give or take depending on how thick the fillet is. it is so perfectly moist, smells incredible, and tastes really great with a sprinkle of peppercorns and a side of salad. i find any fish (and boneless skinless chicken breasts too) taste great when they're baked like this, with lemon and veggies and any spices that you see fit. hurray!

4 weeks til the cruise, 4 weeks til work is over, 6 weeks til i set foot back on chinese soil. my life is a series of countdowns.

sweet you rock and sweet you roll

i'm moving back to hangzhou, china the first week of this coming january to teach at the school i was at before (see also: frustrated post about weird working conditions and low pay!). my boss said i'll have increased wages though, as well as the possibility of an apartment that i coveted greatly during my previous hz stint. i'm actually so excited to go back there and plough through a couple of weeks of teaching, followed by a month off for chinese new year! so my backpacking plans shall be bumped up to february and will inevitably become more expensive as it'll be prime holiday season in china. i missed my students, my little neighbourhood with its fruit stands and bakeries, and mostly my proximity to the BEST SHOPPING DISTRICT in the city. also 25 cent beers. i have to admit i'm kind of nervous about leaving my mom and my house this time, just because i feel guilty and pained over her being alone in this big place. she said she was gonna visit a lot, for long periods of time, and i hope she does. i know my brother and tory aren't far away but i also know it will be tough for her, and me. my mom and i were always really close, but since my dad passed away we've become even closer, relying on each other so much for support. i guess we'll see how things go.

since no blog post is complete without a weight update: i've only got about 10 lbs left to go - i'm at 155 right now which isn't bad for 5'8" at all!! i'd be happy being somewhere in the size 8 to 10 range and i'm at an 11 right now which, again, isn't half bad. my mom and i are going on a 7-night carribbean cruise for christmas this year, so we went bathing suit shopping yesterday. i tried on a bikini, a truly horrifying experience, and then decided i'll go with a tankini. i am still extremely embarrassed about my thighs but the rest is OK. i dunno, if i can lose these last 10 lbs by the cruise then hopefully it won't be so bad. right now i've lost a total of about 53 lbs since february but it's weird how it seems like it's never enough, i can't look in the mirror without criticizing myself and still seeing myself over 200 lbs. the hardest part of dieting is trying to mentally adjust and come to terms with yourself.

there's this guy, he's classy, a real gentleman. i got to hang out with him a bit for just one day last week and it was awesome. i haven't been interested in someone for a really long time and i wish i could see him again but such is life, i'm moving, i think he's interested in some other girl, and i'm too much of a mess right now to let anybody care about me.

we had our last grief counselling night on wednesday, where we had to bring a picture and something that represented the person we lost. i brought my dad's old air canada captain's hat and a picture of him that i'd taken in hangzhou almost a year ago, just before i found out he had cancer. he was standing on a rock, wearing a yellow golf shirt and a big smile. when i tried to talk about my two items at the counselling, i started crying so hard that i could hardly say anything. it's things like that that make me wonder if maybe i'm not dealing with this right, that maybe i'm running away from grief/working through his death by leaving for china. i wish there was a book that could tell me how to make this pain go away. there's a hollow part inside of me that will always be there. it's been just over four months now but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday. i miss you dad.