dad,

you would have been 62 today. i wish you could be here to celebrate (or not celebrate, since you hated both big fusses and big parties). i miss your warmth, your humour, your very presence. i miss hearing you stomping around the house. i miss talking to you about life, learning from you, listening to you rustle the newspaper. i miss driving places with you and listening to your terrible music. i miss going over the day with you, making plans, talking about trips and the future. i miss your calm, stable ways and your goofy jokes. i wish you could see me now, a year later, see how much i've grown, meet the new people in my life, tell me if what i'm doing with my life is okay or not. i need your guidance and your support. i need your hugs and your smiles, your words, your voice. i miss you so much dad. i love you. happy birthday. i'll be seeing you.

home

back in canada, revelling in how cool it is. i missed wearing jeans and hoodies. i think i'm getting on track with time change, thanks to sleeping pills and a whole lot of coffee. have spent the last couple of days reading, chatting with my mom, shoe-shopping and just today - doing the local farmer's market. we went over around 9am, grabbed our organic coffees then purchased up stacks of fresh lettuce, onions, mushrooms, new potatos, and dill, and some local farmer's sausages. i'm going to make a big salad for lunch, and cook the potatos in their skins with butter and dill. i missed this so badly. the farmer's market was also great in that i kept seeing people i'd worked with last year when i'd been employed by the township, so it was great catching up and hearing the latest news on various local events and recent changes. i love the people and the stories in these little towns, and how everyone knows one another.

next week i'm meeting up with friends, then next weekend my mom and i are heading off camping for four days throughout eastern ontario, quebec, and maybe a little bit of upstate new york. i'm a whiner when it comes to gathering wood and slapping off mosquitoes but i'm looking forward to quiet nights under the stars and the smell of campfire on my clothes.

this morning, as my mom and i were fighting for space in the bathroom, i took a look in the mirror and realized how much older i look. i told my mom that i think i finally look like a woman, like someone who's been forced to grow up faster than she would have wanted. this is not something i'm afraid of and after all i'm only 23, but for the first time i feel older than i am.

the flower said i wish i was a tree

the past couple of months have whizzed by, full of parties and nights out, visits from the family, good food, good company, goodbyes. kim left about two weeks ago and i'm feeling it a little more every day. it makes you think about how temporary this place is, how transient these friendships are. the time we invest in relationships here - is it ultimately worth it when you know, at some point, in a few months, a year, whatever - you'll be bidding them farewell with only the hope of a few e-mails to keep you loosely connected?

the semester is winding down and i can really sense that promise of summer break in the kids. they're excited and so am i. i'm looking forward to having weekends again and being able to go on little trips, penetrating this province a tiny bit more. the boyfriend and i went to shanghai last week, just for one night, and i enjoyed getting away from hangzhou way too much. we had amazing meals, got to see exhibits at the shanghai museum, and to top it all off i went on a shopping spree at h&m (pretty much my number one reason for going to the city to begin with). i've realized how over hangzhou i am - maybe how over china i am. i'm so ready to move onto the next thing - the Career, the Stable Life, all of that grown up stuff that deserves capital letters and booming voices.

on july 22 i'll be heading back to canada for about three and a half weeks. i've already plotted out the best ways i can wile away time and give in to complete relaxation and the comfort of home. i can't wait to cook, to barbeque, to go camping, to walk to tim horton's, to go to the mall, to watch movies with my mom, to sleep in my own bed - to do things that wrap me up in familiarity of the days when my dad was still alive.

i guess the most important thing to document in my life right now is that i am so completely in love with this australian guy, the aforementioned Boyfriend, that most of the time it feels like my heart is about ten sizes too big and that i can spit out any romantic cliche possible. he likes classic rock, aussie football, and cooks a mean curry. he has these blue eyes and a voice that feels like home. he's clever and funny and with him, i feel infinite.

like a father to impress, like a mother's morning dress

i have somehow contracted an incredibly sore throat, swollen glands, and a penchant for complaining about my sickness to anyone within earshot. i'm wondering if it's because i live 12 stories above a major freeway and keep my windows wide open at night.

the may holiday starts on thursday and involves 8 days off so the boyfriend and i are venturing off to ningbo, followed by the buddhist island of putuo shan, for 3 or so days. i am super excited to get out of hangzhou for a short stint and just chill out on the beach, dig my toes in the sand and savour some good reads. also looking forward to checking out the temples there and eating vegetarian cuisine with monks! other plans for the break include day trip to local tea village, a few solid meals out, and an honest-to-goodness weekend. my birthdays falls on the last day of the holiday - may 8th - so am still trying to figure out how and when to go about celebrating it as we may be returning from putuo shan on that day, followed by a Big Day at The School!

work is keeping me on my toes but a recent week-long visit from a college friend has offered some sweet, sweet respite. we packed a lot in her trip here and had some good girly bonding moments which i have been sorely lacking - most of my friends here are dudes. anyway, the visit was great, i think she had a good time and one of the coolest things was seeing as she was vegetarian, i ate no meat right along with her for the duration of her stay. i felt pretty good after 7 days of eggs and tofu and a lot of meat but the only thing was, i found i was eating a lot more starches to compensate. noodles, rice, bread, blah blah, not the greatest stuff for me.

i've gained a little weight since i've moved back here, about 8 lbs or so, but it's because i reckon i drink too much beer and am getting a little rice-happy. i know what my body likes and doesn't like so i'm just going to try to be more careful from now on.

i think i'm getting a new tattoo - "the dream is ended; this is the morning" - cs lewis quote from the last battle. life is the dream, death is the waking up. i hold this quote close to my heart because i know my dad is experiencing that now, that awakening from this dream world the rest of us are in - i'm just waiting for the morning to come someday so i can see him again.

three days after

my heart, this-
gilded thing with its
tiny wings and
pennies on its eyes
all rusted cogs
salt and the
perpetual crunch of
stamped metal.

my assembly line heart-
forged of patchwork pain
love and
death and
beginnings that end.
cold hands and
panicked looks.
aching.
breaking.

my frivolous heart-
all rosy murmurs
neon nights and
lips pressed to his shoulder.
intimately aware
of next moves,
next days,
next months.
stars in its eyes
in its hair
leaving behind
vapour trails.

my useless heart-
full up on hope
erratic and irresponsible
one, two,
three shots
that golden rush
that silver tongue
that backroom with its
concrete floors and
wicked echoes.

my heart, this-
cliche, this
indelible stain
this waste of body,
this waste of love
this gasp of air
this grasping throb
this vomit of words.

my heart, this-
boy, this
man, this
pointed ribcage, these
evening eyes and
endless smiles
these clenched jaws and
these faltering fingers
that won't hold mine.

of bikes, zhongwen, and succulent curries.

up at eight today, hot shower and straight hair, bit of mapping and then i was off on my trusty secondhand bike that i bought for 70 yuan last week. he's a fair bit rusty around the edges and only goes one speed, but there's a nice little basket and the brakes work when i need them so i can't complain. i biked to my chinese lesson, arrived 20 minutes early so had some amazing xiao long bao for breakfast (a type of steamed dumpling stuffed with minced pork - perfect with vinegar and hot sauce). i met up with my teacher, chelsea, for the lesson at 10 at this big mcdonald's situated halfway between our homes (20 minutes by bike for me). it's always empty on weekday mornings, the coffees are 7 yuan, and we can work in relative privacy.

today's lesson was vocab for renting an apartment, but before we got into the book she had me just relay some stories from the last week to her in chinese, which was such awesome practice. it makes me realize how little i actually utilize the mandarin i know, beyond conversations with shopkeepers and taxi drivers. i seriously need to stop speaking to my chinese friends in english!

so here are the exciting updates in chinese (Now with twice the tones!):

1. last week i bought a secondhand bicycle. boo-yeah! = shang xing1qi1 wo3 mai3 jiu4 de zi4xing2che1. tai4 hao3 le!
2. on saturday night i lost my cellphone in a taxi because i was drunk and stupid. = xing1qi1liu wo3 diu1 wo3 de shouji yinwei wo3 hen3 zui4 he2 ben dan.
3. i feel like i'm too busy right now. = wo3 jue de wo3 tai4 mang2.

after my lesson i did some groceries with as much scrimping as possible then came home and made a weird, super easy pork and pumpkin curry that somehow turned out okay. i was inspired by the bf's amazing curry skillzZz and his awesome thai red curry last night. anyway, recipe is as follows:

- sliced lean pork
- 1 cup coconut juice
- 1 1/2 tbsp curry powder
- 1/2 an onion
- 2 cups sliced pumpkin
- sliced ginger to taste (i used about the size of a thumb)
- 1 sliced medium hot green chili pepper
- pinch of chili flakes
- 1/4 cup of water
- 1 tbsp oil

oil in the pan, get it hot, add the pork and curry powder. when pork is golden brown toss in all the remaining ingredients and let simmer until sauce has thickened slightly and pumpkin is soft and mushy. dump it all over rice and eat it while planning your wednesday english corner. hooray!

note to self: stop blogging when blue.

99% of the time i am incredibly happy, buoyant, flail my arms a lot and talk about two octaves louder than necessary. but occasionally when i'm either alone for too long or get stressed out it takes about two seconds for me to sink into a depressed mood, skulking sullenly around my apartment and drowning my sorrows in a cup of tea and woe is me text messages. earlier i texted a chinese friend in terrible hanyu saying i was feeling gloomy, and his response was actually really cool and a bit of a lesson in chinese for me:

"你要开心我也开心"

i'm a little unclear as to exactly what he was saying but badly translated it means "you want(? or must, or need?) to feel happy, i too feel happy". i'm assuming this was very sweet but the coolest part is the 开心, which literally means 'open heart', the first character being kai1 [to open] and the second being xin1 [heart]. i had to look it up to find out what it means and kai xin is the verb 'to feel happy'! i just think it's ridiculously cute. open heart = feeling happy. how practical and poetic.

i did my first english corner at a big english training chain school here in hangzhou on wednesday. it was terrifying speaking to a room full of adults as they don't shriek or randomly start dancing, but nonetheless the class went really well. i did it on movies, talking about genres, and focusing mostly on the language associated with discussing components of movies. it went over pretty well, lots of good discussion and a few laughs too. example - i was talking about setting/background, asked them to pick a movie they'd seen, then directed the where/when question at them. one guy's movie was Lost in Beijing, an allegedly sexy movie about a foot massage girl in...Beijing.

me: where does the movie take place?
student: IN THE BED!

amazing. anyway, tomorrow i'm repeating the lesson at the second school that the training centre has in the city so we'll see if that one goes just as well or flops miserably. it's only twice a week, an hour each time, but the money i get from it is covering the cost of my private chinese lessons (also twice a week) so it's a pretty sweet dealio.

between mandarin lessons, the english corners, my regular teaching job, AND the occasional freelance design work - on top of the ol social life - i am feeling pretty busy but it's definitely good for me. significant steps have also been forcing myself to cook and trying to take buses instead of taxis. i'm also attempting to learn the names of my a hundred and something students and actually plan lessons so yeah, hectic, weird, but made of awesome.

am feeling about 50 times better right now as per usual by the end of my posts, this time no t.i. but the sounds of traffic, the constant ding of received texts about open hearts and dinner parties, and the therapy that only masala chai can bring are good enough for now. zaijian!

in which danielle is too old not to get excited about rain and roads, egyptian ruins, our first kiss.

i woke up this morning with this horrible feeling of melancholy, just a hard knot in my chest that i've been trying to unravel all day without luck. it's been raining hard the past few days along with this bone-deep chill that seems to only be cured by a pair of warm arms. even so i kind of want to be alone right now and just wallow in my apartment. i've felt this before so i know the best thing to do is to go out and be productive, which i did - latte at starbucks then some groceries at centurymart. also took half an hour to study chinese and text some friends. i'm dragging my sorry corpse out tonight for work at 6:30, followed by supper and foot massage with a buddy of mine, so hopefully that helps a little.

i wish:
i was braver
i was stronger
i was a better person
i deserved anyone in my life

---
edit: so i guess all it took to feel better was listening to t.i. and painting my toenails pink. who would have guessed!!

still loving the juno soundtrack. also, good friends.

i have not felt this vulnerable in a long time. i don't know what's wrong with me.

in which danielle makes chinese soup.

my first week back in hangzhou, three chinese buddies came over and showed me how to make soup with a whole chicken, veggies, noodles, and stock. it was totally awesome and so as it has been really rainy and cold the past couple of days, i was inspired to create my own pseudo-sino soup. chinese soups are great because they're never too heavy or rich, they're just packed with vegetables and fresh ingredients with really natural, simple flavours. i went to the grocery store this morning, picked up a bunch of nice veggies and some egg dumplings and then got to work.

i used:
- spinach
- 1 package of egg dumplings stuffed with pork
- thin, handmade noodles (gift from a friend - fresh from her nearby hometown!!)
- dried mushrooms
- garlic
- ginger
- pepper
- chicken stock
- water

i made the base with just water, stock, some black pepper, diced garlic, and big chunks of the ginger. when it was getting hot i threw the remaining ingredients in - after it had boiled for a minute, i let the concoction simmer for a few more and then it was ready. all told, took about 20 minutes from start to finish and the result was hot and delicious, absolutely perfect for today. next time i would add shallots, cilantro and maybe some more veggies - also overcooked the dumplings a bit but otherwise, reaaally good.

i had to go to hong kong for three days in order to get my work visa. it was a fantastic trip - i jammed so much sightseeing in, but my favourite thing was ultimately just walking around and watching the daily activities of the city. it's a great place - good vibe, vibrant, huge mish mesh of cultures and walks of life. i stayed in a little hostel in tsim sha tsui on kowloon, it was a bit of a rough neighbourhood but there was definitely lots to see and do within the surrounding area. would go back to hk in a heartbeat.

in which danielle gets a health exam.

at 9:30 on the dot this morning, i was picked up by my lovely lao ban, auntie lin, and we proceeded off to the Zhejiang Travel Healthcare Centre for my "healthy test". after forking over about 80 bucks and filling out some forms i was all set to dive headfirst into a myriad of tests. blood was first, went smoothly, and then i hit my first roadblock - the dreaded urine sample.

they handed me the little plastic cup, i went to the bathroom, mei you xiaobian. no pee. wait, okay, a little bit. i went back out and showed them. not enough, stupid waiguo ren, throw it out and try again! it was hard enough forcing it the first time but bravely i threw out my first cup and got a second one. naturally this somehow fell out of my hand and into the toilet. i came out, explained with halting chinese and mime as to what had happened. the staff were not impressed. out came the third cup. back to the bathroom i went, praying that somehow i would magically need to pee. as was expected nothing happened. auntie lin was getting a bit impatient by this time and decided to force 4 cups of water into me before lugging me off to the next tests, which would give me ample time to want to empty my bladder.

the next test was a weight, height, and eye exam. the good news is i apparently lost 5 lbs since i came to china despite copious amounts of booze and subway; i am now at roughly 145 lbs!!! incredible!!!!! thank you china (although i have a feeling this has something to do with my bout of food poisoning this past weekend)!!!!!! eyes weren't too hot even though i was wearing contacts but mei wenti. test 3 was an ultrasound. the woman grunted at me, pointed to a bed, i complied and lay down. she rucked my shirt up and unceremoniously dumped really cold liquid on my stomach then schlepped the device down. roughly five seconds later she threw a kleenex on my tummy and grunted again. i took this as a positive sign, cleaned up and went on my merry way to blood pressure lady.

blood pressure lady had no patience for my lack of chinese and got really angry when i had no idea what her purpose was or what i was supposed to do. i got yelled at in putonghua for a good minute until auntie lin gently gestured to the blood pressure machine (i'd had no idea that was the test i was getting) and all was suddenly well. blood pressure seemed good, now off to a heart test. once again my clothes were shoved up and weird liquid was dumped on me along with clampy things placed at various spots on my chest, stomach, and ANKLE. the concensus??? i drink too much alcohol so my heart is too fast! i'm sure that has nothing to do with being SCARED and FREEZING as i was half naked in a hospital WITHOUT HEAT and sporting OPEN WINDOWS. on a rainy +11 day. come on. auntie lin admonished me against the dangers of pi jiu as we proceeded to the x-ray. this was the most normal test of all of them and therefore not worthy of a paragraph.

at last it was time to return to the urine test, so i retrieved cup #4 and marched off to my stall. even after four cups of water, pressure to perform had somehow paralyzed me and i could only produce meager amounts of urine. it was just barely enough to satisfy the surly urine nurses but they stamped the forms and finally, finally, i was allowed to leave health check hell.

two hours later i'm now cold and starving but boy do i ever have to pee!!!

"but i'd rather be working for a paycheque
than waiting to win the lottery"

got holes in my new jeans for you

back in hangzhou with a new studio apartment downtown, amazing location and even better view. this week has raced by in a blur of beer and RMB, people popping in and out of my life, things to buy and feelings to consider. i need to have more discretion and consider situations more carefully. i also reeeeally need to lay off the booze for a few weeks.

i like my co-workers. i'm so lucky to have good people around me.

from an airport on a cold day

first day of the new year, waiting to board. i feel like i'm running on momentum, like i couldn't stop if i wanted to - somehow i've learned how to stop fighting things and just let myself be carried by the tide, by the way things are going, without allowing myself to actually feel it at any point. just in case it's too painful.