Sunday dreaming; blue skies and patios and maple seeds scattered over the table. I read and warm my bare toes in the sun. I will finish this and make chicken piccata for supper. Lemon and capers and garlic and the last light of the day. 

My upper arms are bruised from helping my closest friend move yesterday. Everyone seems to be living in a state of flux this year. New jobs, new homes, new relationships. I am getting swept up in the tide. Another suitcase to pack, another airplane to board. Another round of apartment hunting and stress and tearing at my nails. I am trying to control everything in a life that seems to constantly want to veer out from under me. More goodbyes, more friendships stretched out and worn thin like an old t-shirt, the fabric all but exhausted from too many wears, too many washes. I can't keep shedding layers of my life like this. I can feel all the people I've left behind, let go of. Friendships that were important to me. People I truly loved and connected with. How is it that we can have these disposable relationships? Suited to us for a time then put away, back of the closet, revisited only when most convenient? 

I have these memories collected up of the friendships that have fallen behind. The long talks, the little stories and jokes, the walks and songs and meals; the exchange of things that were so important to us, at the time, that we thought would always mean something or bind us together in a unique way. Maybe that is the important thing about relationships though, or at least these ones that we've allowed to falter. The fact that we can recall the specific details that coloured what we had. A memento of the kinship we shared. A testament; a proclamation that once we were bound by time and circumstance. I will try not to forget. 

be kind, be grateful, be positive

I am trying to approach 2013 from a more optimistic perspective, finding happiness on a day-to-day basis. I am at a point in my life where I base my happiness on obtaining future goals - going back to school, finding a job I love, etc. This is a frustrating, unfulfilling way to live. The idea of 'The Happiness Advantage' gives some great ideas to help change a person's perspective and appreciate what they have, right here, right now. So, I want to try to follow these rules, daily:

1. Gratitudes
Write 3 things I am grateful for each day.

2. Journaling
Write for two minutes a day describing one positive experience I had over the past 24 hours.
Update my blog more frequently. Write, write, write.

3. Exercise
Walk for at least 20 minutes every day. Run or  go for a long walk three times a week.
Eat better, too.

4. Meditation
Meditate for 5 minutes a day. Breathe.

5. Kindness
Send one message, e-mail or text per day praising/thanking someone I care about.

wrote this a week ago

Monday morning, black ice, gray skies and a sense of grimness. Another jostling ride on the TTC and I arrive at work a few minutes late but the first to open the door, apparently. I get locked out a minute later when I go for Starbucks and forget to bring my key. The 9am meeting starts at 10:15 and there is a general sense of stress.

There is nothing more motivating, more pushing, than doing a job that offers no challenge and is given to me on a temp to perm basis. I am in Toronto, embracing my Canadian lifestyle after my year in Australia and three and a half years in China. 2012 held a lot of experiences. A painful break up. Leaving an interesting albeit badly paid job in Chengdu. A summer of teaching, t-shirts, warm beers, and staying out til dawn. A trip - two and a half months of travel through Thailand, Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam.

My solo SouthEast Asian backpacking adventure was profound in so many ways. It made me realize that 'finding myself' wasn't necessarily a good thing. I found myself, yes - found myself walking the streets of Hanoi at 5 in the morning with people I didn't necessarily know or trust, found myself not partaking in tours and sightseeing to incredible places because I was too busy sleeping off a hangover. Found myself being culturally disrespectful, at times, and putting myself in risky, unhealthy situations. I discovered other things, though - a unshakeable confidence in myself, a realization that I don't care as much about other people's opinions as I thought I did. A self-assurance and self-reliance that surprised me. I was strong, and tough, and independent. I was strangely proud of myself.

I moved back to Canada in November, giving myself a couple of months back home with my mom. During that time there were a lot of catch-ups with friends, going on awkward dates, cooking dinners for my mother, applying for jobs (with a gradual decrease in experience requirements and general interest over the course of the winter) and re-adjusting to Life at Home. I won't lie, there were times when I reverted back into sixteen-year old Danielle, getting driven to the mall and having my laundry done for me, folded and fresh and smelling of daises.

I made the decision in December to move in with my mom's cousin and her French husband in their place in Etobicoke. I have been here for a month now, living side by side with my "aunt and uncle" as I call them and their two exciteable Bichon Frise dogs and small feral cat. Shortly after my move to the big city I found full-time administration/reception work with a successful property management company. The location is good, my co-workers are fun and friendly and the pay will let me save up a good chunk of money.

Which brings me back to my original point - boring jobs are good motivators. I have applied for and been accepted to finish my Bachelor's Degree in communications/marketing (with a second core major in Mandarin) at Griffith University in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia. It will take me three semesters and a hefty international student tuition to complete the BA Communications. Classes start July 22nd. I am so excited to undertake studies in something I love. I will be one significant step closer to getting into a career that I can be passionate about - working in marketing in Asia? Something in news or magazines? Online work? I am filled with hope and possibility.

And, after the snowy weekend we've had, I cannot get back to Australia fast enough.

in every direction

I've avoided writing anything on here for a long time. Part of it has been laziness but part of it has been fear in admitting what has happened in the past year. In June I started writing in an actual journal, cataloguing my thoughts and feelings and self loathing in a medium that noone else can read. It's better that way, I think, hiding the scars in a place where they can be privately mulled over. It's been a difficult year. It hurts to read over the naive optimism I had in the past. I've learned a lot about myself recently, the things ill do and say, the things I won't. It's been a year of indecision, too. Some angry nights, midnight phonecalls, drinking too much and letting others down. I let a good relationship slip away from me due to pure selfishness and an emotional immaturity that appalls me to look back on. I'm still unsure as to what I want to do, where I want to go. I don't really know what home is, anymore. Once it was his smile, his hands, his blue eyes and his confidence in what we had.

新年快乐

This year I want to accomplish a few things, namely:

1. Lose those 10 lbs, finally.

2. Travel to Vietnam.

3. Be more loving, be kinder in my words and actions.

4. More hiking.

5. Learn CSS.

6. Keep in touch with friends.

7. Get a smartphone.

8. Upgrade my Chinese level.


Let's see how we go.

i hate how much i love this song

who will love you
who will fight
who will fall far behind

and then 8 months later

i look back on some of the old things i've written in here and wonder at the weeks and months that passed in between some posts. what did i do? what have i forgotten? what pictures didn't i take, what words didn't i scrawl down? what made me laugh and cry? who was i?

i've been in china (third times a charm!) since february. did a semester at yunnan normal university, had some amazing times with the wonderful, diverse group of friends i made there. i miss them all dearly and once again have realized how painful it is to be in this constant state of transit, here and there a few months, a year, then off again - new people but the vestiges and memories of the old still clinging to you like smoke. kunming was a beautiful place. the sky was that painful, dizzying blue, the people kind and quick to smile. i loved the food, the drinks, the walks along wenlin jie. mornings spent crammed onto the bus headed to school. it was good to be a student again and i really enjoyed studying mandarin. i forgot how much i loved languages.

i got engaged in kunming, too.

in july the fella and i were strolling along hongshan lu after sitting out on the patio of a cafe, enjoying a pot of good strong yunnan coffee and having a Serious Talk about the future. on the way home we made our way into a little park area, all green and shady with the road a few feet off. i noticed c had stopped behind me - i turned and there he was on one knee(!), his face splitting into the most enormous smile and those blue eyes so big, scared, excited. there was a will you marry me and then i remember bursting into tears and saying of course, of course i'll marry you. we hugged, i cried some more, we walked to a vegetable market to get stuff for dinner then realized we were too excited to cook. we ate out instead and celebrated with cold beers and phonecalls and smiles that would not quit. i haven't looked back.

in august i made the move to chengdu, hot on the heels of an events and communications position with a chamber of commerce. it started as internship but will turn into paid work pretty soon - still need to find part-time teaching job to help supplement my income a bit though. i'm having fun with this position. there have been good perks - nights out, free meals, cocktail parties and interesting workshops. i'm learning how to put together and edit a magazine, optimize a website, prepare for an event and fit in with chinese co-workers. they are a laid back people in sichuan province.

unfortunately c had to head back to australia for job training but he will move back out here in early november to start a year long australian government-sponsored position with an energy company. i'm excited for 2012. will be with the man i'm going to marry, will be continuing on with this work that i love more and more, will be planning for the future.

january 2013 we hope to get married in canada, in my little hometown with its pretty old church and 3 feet of snow on top of everything. after that, who knows. toronto - fingers crossed. i miss home but right now things are good. chengdu is kind to me. the weather's awful but i have the feeling that this is where i'm supposed to be, right here, right now.

new year, new skills?

DANIELLE'S 2010 NEW SKILL A MONTH RECAP

january: snowshoeing

february: baking muffins

march: playing cricket

april: yabbying

may: making damper

june: picking and prepping olives

july: desktop publishing with microsoft office...booooo

august: basic accounting

september: sewing up a hole in a shirt

october: cleaning and cooking mussels

november: a few words of the malay language (is that enough to count? hmm)

december: cooking a roast

now that we are into 2011 and i have a slew of new things on my plate, i'm not sure if i'll be able to keep up with the ol skill challenge. just too much new-ness in general!

at the end of next month i am jetting off to kunming, in china's most southwest province of yunnan, to study chinese for a semester at one of the universities. i am so excited to head back to the middle kingdom, pick up my mandarin and at the end of the study period, find a job that is relevant to my skills, my experience and ultimately what i want to do! i am savouring the thought of long walks in the city, ktv nights, scuzzy eateries in alleyways and exploring rich and diverse yunnan. i am also, and most importantly, excited that the boyfriend will join me there so we can actually stay together instead of being torn apart by our differing citizenships! funny how china has become the middle ground for us, a place where our relationship will be safe for a while and give us enough time to sort out future partner visas for wherever we end up settling, whether it is here in australia or back home in canada.

i have decided that as soon as i arrive i want to start a food blog about kunming. it was something i always regretted never doing while i spent my couple of years in hangzhou - after work, most of my nights consisted of dining in carefully chosen restaurants and subsequently raving about them in text messages.

generally the boyfriend was in tow as we ate our way through the city (and surrounding tea villages), trying the lowliest pork and mushroom dumplings to the loftiest banquets of fish, crab and all things succulent (when i say loftiest i mean within the constraints of an ESL teacher's salary - no bird's nest for us!). we ate mouth-numbing hunanese food - bits of chicken surrounded by an ocean of chillis - hotpots served steaming with lots of beer - pork buns for 1 yuan with a Macca's coffee, hot and cheap before Sunday morning classes - skewers of spiced lamb and little grilled fish being fanned by a Uighur outside our local - rice and vegetables packed into bamboo and cooked over flames - whole chicken baked in famous longjing green tea leaves - plus so many other things that made my experience in china so memorable and most of all, delicious!

i will not make the same mistake this time around. there will be restaurant reviews. there will be recipes for the hapless laowai. there will be suggestions of where to find what. just give me time to get my mind around kunming, settle in and figure out what's what.

anyway, back to the rainy day. library, haircut, post office.

doing well here!

august: basic accounting

september: sewing up a hole on a shirt

october: cleaning and cooking mussels

can't believe how long it's been!

i've been pretty negligent with this bad boy the past few months. even forgot to post my monthly skills!

i can't remember which order they were actually in, but sometime in june, i believe, i learned to make and bake damper. july i learned desktop publishing with microsoft suite (should never have happened but desperate times..) and august i learned..about australian politics! not really a skill. sorry. i still have a couple of days left though.

we're going to sydney in two weeks - really excited to see the city, do lots of walking and catch up with some old friends.

this is terrible. i'm on about 6 hours sleep and suffering the pain of chris' 30th birthday dinner of sichuan food and sketchy g&t's.

i'm off for brunch!

from a kitchen on a cool thursday

one of the things i have become most excited about - most involved in - since moving to australia is cooking. i have always enjoyed it but i think this last year in china especially piqued my interest in making things from scratch. in the past it's always been more frozen bits and bobs with nice salads - maybe some homemade burgers or a pasta but nothing beyond that. really it was spending a lot of time with chris and trying out his gorgeous curries, stir-fries and pasta sauces rich with red wine and fresh vegetables.

since arriving on this vast chunk of land i have had quite a bit of time on my hands and have started to create my own repertoire of recipes - things i had never dreamed of trying previously. a few weeks ago i roasted an entire chicken - took out the mucky inside bits and stuffed it with chunks of lemon and olive oil and coated it liberally with sea salt and basil. it was absolutely beautiful, juicy and tender and getting all over our fingers as we just picked at it off the pan. two nights ago was vegetable and lamb moussaka - all rich layers of lamb and fresh tomato, salted eggplant and potato covered with a creamy cheese, yoghurt and egg sauce. there have been other dishes in between and before these - date and vanilla muffins, pastas with home-made roasted red peppers and today a beautiful, fragrant chicken soup with beefy mushrooms, carrots, thai chilli and basmati rice. i wish i'd documented some of these things, the recipes i can't remember now but just have some vague recollection of licking my fingers and saying i should post the recipe on my blog! too little too late unfortunately. (not to say all the recipes have been good, either - there was that gluggy mee goreng with overcooked baby squid, some tasteless sauces and dishes oilier than Tony Abbott.)

while being in oz has been tough in a lot of ways - lack of friends, no family, bouncing around from badly-paid temp jobs - having this stove-top, this oven, this market full of fresh produce - has been a saving grace, something i look forward to when i get home from work. i put my face in a cloud of fragrant steam, close my eyes and can finally relax.

new skill

april: yabbying (look it up!)

updates

we've moved into the west of melbourne, to a suburb called footscray. when people have heard we were relocating here they've called it all sorts of things from "downtrodden" to "scary" to "i've heard lots of people get mugged at the train station!". encouraging! however, we happen to live in a quiet sort of area, about 10 minutes walk to the main drag and that is where the real value, the real beauty of this scruff, 'working-man's' suburb is.

walking down paisley, barkly, or hopkins st you will see the most vast range of ethnic backgrounds, a cacophony of languages pouring through and best of all, a range of restaurants to back them up. there is every kind of dining experience to be found here, all extremely cheap, too. however there seems to be a heavy concentration of vietnamese, chinese, indian and african eateries. i think we've had pho and rice vermicelli bo la lat just about every day for the past week! it's exciting to see all these little places with their variety of exotic foods and the people that fill them.

the other beautiful thing about footscray is the market. it's massive, filled with fresh produce, meat, seafood and everything else under the sun for great prices. we've yet to do a weekly shop there (unfortunately a coles is pretty close by) but i'm looking forward to giving the market the attention it deserves.

all in all footscray has been a good experience thus far. our apartment is lovely and is starting to feel like home, as is the area we're living in. thumbs up!

The Skill O' the Month

march: playing cricket

i feel like i'm losing myself
like i am a ghost
where do you fit in when nobody sees you

a-skill-a-month

so my new years resso was a new skill per month -

january: snowshoeing

february: baking muffins

so far so good!

settled in here in melbourne. looking for apartment (have temporary abode until end of march) and job, currently, but things are looking up. australia is hot, dry, and beautiful.

new years revolutions

a lot has happened since my last blog post, including three separate trips to beijing, nanjing, and guangxi province, numerous parties, new friends, bike trips, and many other adventures. however the biggest news has to be my leaving china mid-december - i am currently back home in canada, nursing a tea and warming my toes. the boyfriend and i were more than happy to finish up our teaching jobs in hangzhou, and being here for christmas and new years has been a wonderful gift. we are getting ready to leave in about a week from now, bound for australia! we will be settling in melbourne, doing grown up things like having real jobs, paying taxes, and hunting down an apartment. scary, but i'm excited. i'm ready to explore a new country and all that comes with it.

i made some resolutions this year, the usual of course being to lose 15 lbs, but i've also vowed to learn a new skill every month, be it baking bread or snowshoeing (the latter of which i will actually do tomorrow!). i want this year to be fresh, full of promise and new experiences. when i left for china around this time last year, i had a list of things i wanted to accomplish in my time there, and i'm happy to say that i crossed most of them off. this year is the same. i want to be in a pipe band again, to volunteer in my community, to find a job that i truly love.. i want to take a course on web design, be a loving, considerate friend and girlfriend, and put 100% into anything i do. hopefully, that also includes this blog. i want to learn to cook a leg of lamb and catch a fish, i want to take lots of photos and do lots of cycling, be strong and smart and fearless. so here i go.

dad,

you would have been 62 today. i wish you could be here to celebrate (or not celebrate, since you hated both big fusses and big parties). i miss your warmth, your humour, your very presence. i miss hearing you stomping around the house. i miss talking to you about life, learning from you, listening to you rustle the newspaper. i miss driving places with you and listening to your terrible music. i miss going over the day with you, making plans, talking about trips and the future. i miss your calm, stable ways and your goofy jokes. i wish you could see me now, a year later, see how much i've grown, meet the new people in my life, tell me if what i'm doing with my life is okay or not. i need your guidance and your support. i need your hugs and your smiles, your words, your voice. i miss you so much dad. i love you. happy birthday. i'll be seeing you.

home

back in canada, revelling in how cool it is. i missed wearing jeans and hoodies. i think i'm getting on track with time change, thanks to sleeping pills and a whole lot of coffee. have spent the last couple of days reading, chatting with my mom, shoe-shopping and just today - doing the local farmer's market. we went over around 9am, grabbed our organic coffees then purchased up stacks of fresh lettuce, onions, mushrooms, new potatos, and dill, and some local farmer's sausages. i'm going to make a big salad for lunch, and cook the potatos in their skins with butter and dill. i missed this so badly. the farmer's market was also great in that i kept seeing people i'd worked with last year when i'd been employed by the township, so it was great catching up and hearing the latest news on various local events and recent changes. i love the people and the stories in these little towns, and how everyone knows one another.

next week i'm meeting up with friends, then next weekend my mom and i are heading off camping for four days throughout eastern ontario, quebec, and maybe a little bit of upstate new york. i'm a whiner when it comes to gathering wood and slapping off mosquitoes but i'm looking forward to quiet nights under the stars and the smell of campfire on my clothes.

this morning, as my mom and i were fighting for space in the bathroom, i took a look in the mirror and realized how much older i look. i told my mom that i think i finally look like a woman, like someone who's been forced to grow up faster than she would have wanted. this is not something i'm afraid of and after all i'm only 23, but for the first time i feel older than i am.

the flower said i wish i was a tree

the past couple of months have whizzed by, full of parties and nights out, visits from the family, good food, good company, goodbyes. kim left about two weeks ago and i'm feeling it a little more every day. it makes you think about how temporary this place is, how transient these friendships are. the time we invest in relationships here - is it ultimately worth it when you know, at some point, in a few months, a year, whatever - you'll be bidding them farewell with only the hope of a few e-mails to keep you loosely connected?

the semester is winding down and i can really sense that promise of summer break in the kids. they're excited and so am i. i'm looking forward to having weekends again and being able to go on little trips, penetrating this province a tiny bit more. the boyfriend and i went to shanghai last week, just for one night, and i enjoyed getting away from hangzhou way too much. we had amazing meals, got to see exhibits at the shanghai museum, and to top it all off i went on a shopping spree at h&m (pretty much my number one reason for going to the city to begin with). i've realized how over hangzhou i am - maybe how over china i am. i'm so ready to move onto the next thing - the Career, the Stable Life, all of that grown up stuff that deserves capital letters and booming voices.

on july 22 i'll be heading back to canada for about three and a half weeks. i've already plotted out the best ways i can wile away time and give in to complete relaxation and the comfort of home. i can't wait to cook, to barbeque, to go camping, to walk to tim horton's, to go to the mall, to watch movies with my mom, to sleep in my own bed - to do things that wrap me up in familiarity of the days when my dad was still alive.

i guess the most important thing to document in my life right now is that i am so completely in love with this australian guy, the aforementioned Boyfriend, that most of the time it feels like my heart is about ten sizes too big and that i can spit out any romantic cliche possible. he likes classic rock, aussie football, and cooks a mean curry. he has these blue eyes and a voice that feels like home. he's clever and funny and with him, i feel infinite.