got holes in my new jeans for you

back in hangzhou with a new studio apartment downtown, amazing location and even better view. this week has raced by in a blur of beer and RMB, people popping in and out of my life, things to buy and feelings to consider. i need to have more discretion and consider situations more carefully. i also reeeeally need to lay off the booze for a few weeks.

i like my co-workers. i'm so lucky to have good people around me.

from an airport on a cold day

first day of the new year, waiting to board. i feel like i'm running on momentum, like i couldn't stop if i wanted to - somehow i've learned how to stop fighting things and just let myself be carried by the tide, by the way things are going, without allowing myself to actually feel it at any point. just in case it's too painful.

i need a haircut so bad

snowman impersonations in the pm.

i think there's a newish supernatural on tonight that i didn't see in october, so i'm pretty excited about that. i just need something to fill that 8-9 void!

it's freaking me out how much my diet has slowed down in the past month. i guess the less you weigh the harder it is to take off the remaining pounds. i'm skirting 150 right now, and ideally i'd like to be in the 140's (i'll take 149, why not) by the time we leave for the cruise next friday. psychologically to be in the 140's will merit a BIG WIN. if i can get 145 by the time i leave for china in january then that's that, i'll be absolutely thrilled with myself and try to stay somewhere between 140 - 145. i'm coming to terms with the fact that i am unfortunately sort of pear shaped and if i have curvy thighs my whole life i can live with it. the point is my body fat percentage is okay, i'm right smack dab in the middle of a healthy Body Mass Index, and my waist and hip measurements are also healthy. i cannot even remember the last time that i was anywhere near this, so that's a good feeling. (also i had chocolate mousse tonight and am trying to make myself feel better.)

only 5 more days of work to go! this weekend is like a christmas bonanza, tomorrow night my mom and i are seeing 'a celtic christmas' concert put on by the barra macneils, then saturday is old-fashioned christmas downtown thornbury followed by big family dinner at an inn near there. sunday we're seeing handel's messiah and having a little xmas dinner with my brother and my sister-in-law. i thought christmas without my dad would be a lot harder and a lot weirder, and maybe it is but i just haven't let myself grasp that yet? i'm not sure, but it's okay, i'm enjoying the season, the cheesy movies, the bing crosby cds, etc. we'll see.

come thou fount of every blessing

today i am happy and energized because it's friday, and it's so cold outside that my nose is still red. i love winter, the snow, the chill, and the resulting comfort and coziness of wrapping yourself up inside a warm house (or office). i think a lot of it is nostalgia of christmas when i was a kid. i've been working on a poster for work today, and at lunch i went out and did some christmas shopping (shop local!) and rewarded my spending of benjamins with a big hot earl grey tea from this coffee place down the street.

since i quit drinking coffee about a month ago (cold turkey, the only way i ever do it) i have taken up excessive consumption of tea instead. i feel way better about a bit of caffiene from tea than i do from coffee, plus the flavours are amazing. i'm so hooked on earl grey but my number 1 is this sri lankan christmas blend from holland's fine tea in fergus. amazing!! i could drink this stuff til the cows come home.

i really, really love:
- avon catalogues
- handmade christmas cards
- bing crosby's holiday classics
- mandarin flashcards
- x-weighted
- when my cat sleeps peacefully with me and doesn't stick his paws in my face and start kneading

dear sufjan stevens,

i'm sorry for forgetting about you for three years. thanks for still existing when i remembered.

forever plus a day,

danielle

...and by night i blog about FISH!

so, amazingly easy low fat tilapia recipe. tilapia has become one of my new favourite fish because it's incredibly low in calories and fat, and it's absolutely delicious - and affordable.

per fillet: a few slices of lemon, a couple slices of onion, mushrooms, slivers of red pepper - whatever veggies you wanna throw in there. place the tilapia fillet on a piece of tin foil, douse it with black pepper and garlic powder. squeeze a bit of lemon juice on there then lay the slices of lemon over the fish, along with some slices of garlic. throw the veggies on top then fold it all up in a neat little foil package and toss it in the oven at 400, bake for about 20 minutes, give or take depending on how thick the fillet is. it is so perfectly moist, smells incredible, and tastes really great with a sprinkle of peppercorns and a side of salad. i find any fish (and boneless skinless chicken breasts too) taste great when they're baked like this, with lemon and veggies and any spices that you see fit. hurray!

4 weeks til the cruise, 4 weeks til work is over, 6 weeks til i set foot back on chinese soil. my life is a series of countdowns.

sweet you rock and sweet you roll

i'm moving back to hangzhou, china the first week of this coming january to teach at the school i was at before (see also: frustrated post about weird working conditions and low pay!). my boss said i'll have increased wages though, as well as the possibility of an apartment that i coveted greatly during my previous hz stint. i'm actually so excited to go back there and plough through a couple of weeks of teaching, followed by a month off for chinese new year! so my backpacking plans shall be bumped up to february and will inevitably become more expensive as it'll be prime holiday season in china. i missed my students, my little neighbourhood with its fruit stands and bakeries, and mostly my proximity to the BEST SHOPPING DISTRICT in the city. also 25 cent beers. i have to admit i'm kind of nervous about leaving my mom and my house this time, just because i feel guilty and pained over her being alone in this big place. she said she was gonna visit a lot, for long periods of time, and i hope she does. i know my brother and tory aren't far away but i also know it will be tough for her, and me. my mom and i were always really close, but since my dad passed away we've become even closer, relying on each other so much for support. i guess we'll see how things go.

since no blog post is complete without a weight update: i've only got about 10 lbs left to go - i'm at 155 right now which isn't bad for 5'8" at all!! i'd be happy being somewhere in the size 8 to 10 range and i'm at an 11 right now which, again, isn't half bad. my mom and i are going on a 7-night carribbean cruise for christmas this year, so we went bathing suit shopping yesterday. i tried on a bikini, a truly horrifying experience, and then decided i'll go with a tankini. i am still extremely embarrassed about my thighs but the rest is OK. i dunno, if i can lose these last 10 lbs by the cruise then hopefully it won't be so bad. right now i've lost a total of about 53 lbs since february but it's weird how it seems like it's never enough, i can't look in the mirror without criticizing myself and still seeing myself over 200 lbs. the hardest part of dieting is trying to mentally adjust and come to terms with yourself.

there's this guy, he's classy, a real gentleman. i got to hang out with him a bit for just one day last week and it was awesome. i haven't been interested in someone for a really long time and i wish i could see him again but such is life, i'm moving, i think he's interested in some other girl, and i'm too much of a mess right now to let anybody care about me.

we had our last grief counselling night on wednesday, where we had to bring a picture and something that represented the person we lost. i brought my dad's old air canada captain's hat and a picture of him that i'd taken in hangzhou almost a year ago, just before i found out he had cancer. he was standing on a rock, wearing a yellow golf shirt and a big smile. when i tried to talk about my two items at the counselling, i started crying so hard that i could hardly say anything. it's things like that that make me wonder if maybe i'm not dealing with this right, that maybe i'm running away from grief/working through his death by leaving for china. i wish there was a book that could tell me how to make this pain go away. there's a hollow part inside of me that will always be there. it's been just over four months now but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday. i miss you dad.

two blog posts in two days!

sometimes i wish i'd finished my ESL degree at brock, just so i could have the opportunity to make a career out of teaching abroad. i would like nothing more than to spend my life living in numerous foreign countries and immersing myself in all these unique cultures, be it china, turkey, costa rica, the phillipines, wherever i feel like going. maybe it's something i'll grow out of. maybe in a year from now the prospect of art direction in toronto will excite me as much as teaching english in china does right now. maybe this is something i just need to get out of my system for a year or two. i hope not.

etcetera

the big thing that i've been scouring etsy for lately is textile necklaces, with linens and stitches and felted wool and all manner of strange buttons and bobbles. i so envy people who can make these kinds of things, let alone stuff like shirts and dresses and whatnot.

this is a necklace by perishables, i love the organic feel, the colours, it's warm and earthy.

gorgeous leather poppy necklace by tmStudioDesigns, $22.

i love this fabric and felt necklace by shagpile for $28. it's kind of like a collar, would look awesome with a plain black or white t-shirt.

by lupin, $27. this goes with pretty much everything ever. the 'chain' part is elastic and it sits close to your neck. how can you not love bold jewelry, seriously.

i've also been eyeing a jersey wrap dress by a designer in b.c., it's one of those pieces that you can transform about a hundred different ways. i think maybe i just like shopping too much.

我爱你

my two favourite mealtime delights right now are hot green tea with lemon and fat free organic vanilla yoghurt with diced apple, raspberries, and a hearty dollop of cinnamon. it is seriously the best breakfast ever.

it's so funny for me to look back a year and a half ago when i was applying to schools, and it was all like 'i applied to (insert horrible english mill) in beautiful DONGGUAN!" dongguan is like the most polluted, dirty industrial city in guangzhou. i am THRILLED that i didn't end up there. i also applied to all these kindergartens that paid next to nothing in shanghai and beijing. now as i go through the application process a second time, i'm way stingier and so suspicious of every single school which is weird since that's how i should have been BEFORE i moved to china in 2007. needless to say i applied to a chain school with locations along the east coast - hangzhou, shanghai, yangzhou, qingdao, oubei, etc - and i'm hoping i'll swing it for hangzhou. i do have a job waiting for me but i'm considering it my back-up option in the event that something better doesn't fall into my lap. i'm talking more pay, better hours, nicer work environment. i have a real longing to teach in a public school there too, something about monday to friday, 16 hours a week really does it for me. unfortunately it's really hard finding a job that isn't posted by some sketchy recruiter on like teslchinarecruiterspyware.cn haha. been checking out jobs in qingdao and shanghai mostly, as hangzhou ones are also hard to come by.

my life right now is pretty quiet, just slipping through my last two months at work while balancing tai chi, grief counselling, dieting, mandarin lessons, and zero social life. on the plus side i sleep really well, watch horribly satisfying television, and am down 45 lbs! only 13 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!

grief counselling is tough and awful and incredibly good for me. we're a group of 10 girls ranging from 18 to 28, most of us have lost parents recently. it's good. we delve into the hardest things and work through our experiences. it feels like a safe place to think about my dad since i never allow myself to do that at any other time. it hurts too much to go to that place where i have to remember him, especially in his last few months. i sleep with an old sweater of his and have a picture of him tacked up right by my pillow, but that's the extent of it. i'm not ready to work through it all yet. i'm not ready to cry and hurt so badly. not when it's this fresh. but doing it in small doses, once a week - i can manage that.

tonight i'm watching indiana jones and maybe going for a walk and sleeping at a sensible hour