unfinished drabble

we leave our fingerprints on the window
looking out at the patio
it's cold and tired
barebone trees with white skin
gnarling against the wind
we're older now but i still remember-
fishing for perch in orillia
i played with the minnows in a bucket
and got mad anytime you hooked one for bait
i remember when we camped and got rained out at 4am
and you took me to tim hortons and i drank coffee with you in the parking lot
and it was the best camping trip i ever had
i remember when we fought and i told you that i hated you
and you didn't understand me
you didn't understand what i was going through
but it was only because you were scared
and now i know why you felt that way
i remember long summers in the backyard
hot asphalt and drinking wine on the porch
i remember when we ran through hangzhou with our shoes full of water
just trying to find a way home in the rain
and it was good because it was with you
i remember the concert when we sat in the choir loft
listening to bob dylan covers on the ride home
the first time we went to the theatre in toronto
i wore a blouse with lace sleeves and you took me for mussels
i value these seconds
when you laugh at a joke
when we watch seinfeld together at night
when we drive somewhere and i pretend to hate sergio mendez and the eagles
when you're awake at 4am and i come in and you don't tell me off for drinking too much
but sometimes i get so angry
angry at the doctors
angry at god for letting it happen
angry at you for not talking about it
angry at myself for pretending it doesn't exist-
but it does, and so do you
and so i have these moments that i hold onto
memories and most of all the present
and each breath i am thankful for
and each second i appreciate more than words
and all of this to say that i love you
and no matter what you're strong,
you're my hero,
you're the one who hooks the minnows
and takes the tent down in the rain while i wait in the warm car
watching for the sunrise

into the sea you and me

i think my saturday nights are getting progressively lamer with each passing weekend, case and point i spent tonight reading historical fiction and listening to the cure and drinking tapwater. tell me it will get better this, someone, anyone. i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up to anybody new right now or even invest myself in people i already know, it's like i'm scared to be away from home for long and i don't have the capacity to trust anybody but my family. maybe not trust in the fullest sense of the word, but more like trusting my rollercoaster emotions and fragile hopes and the big turmoil of thoughts in my head that stem from dad's cancer, to anyone else but my nearest and dearest. i don't know how to begin to go about processing the things i feel, i don't know how to relate to anyone right now - lot's of i don't knows and not enough definites. but i think the worst thing is knowing that a lot of my friends don't know how to relate to me anymore either, and that's when i feel the most alone.

john allen cameron rules

ta-da, new poster advertising the fergus scottish festival's "family day" on august 10, 08. i wanted to use the fergusson ancient tartan because it is the only one that even remotely goes with the fsf logo. i think it turned out ok anyway, it's a pretty broad audience since i had to grab kids and adults alike, as well as pique the interest of locals. i'm almost done the friday night tattoo poster and i personally don't even like it enough to post it, but whatever it's fairly striking and will appeal to the demographic that attends that tattoo. the last thing i have to do is take a picture of an air cadet tonight to put on the poster so we'll see how that goes.

i am definitely, definitely going to teach in hong kong next. i am excited beyond words for this.

big thoughts, little box

work is cool, made poster on left, doing 3 others and a few ads by end of week. /corporate

on my lunchbreak i always end up surfing Etsy putting about 50 things in my cart before convincing myself that i don't need any of them. unfortunately that only works about 80% of the time and i've already bought a tank top, jewellry, and a wallet on there. i just really like the idea of buying handmade items and supporting canadian entrepeneurs. i bought some wooden pendants from stockade in guelph and i'm going to attempt decoupaging them and, if all turns out well, trying a mixed media decoupage on a bigger canvas. this is a form of art that i'm crazy about and if i could actually make my own pieces it would be ten times cooler.

on the topic of lunchbreaks - i love working in elora because i can try out all these quaint local cafes and i find myself enjoying them all for different reasons. kringles for its buck coffee; c'est bon for its veg wraps, anne hull's hospitality and rataouille-esque french music; sante for its killer goat cheese salads; the river for michael's dashing good looks and chai tea; and finally my favourite, the refuge for providing me with 5 dollar brown bag lunches and extra karge numi lime teas. i don't think locals appreciate what our own community really has to offer as we're too busy doing drive-thru timmy's and scarfing down subway.

yesterday i did my g1 exit test for the third time. i guess i should have foreseen the result considering i lived on toronto public transit for two years then walked everywhere in china for the past year - i've only actually been driving again since march and even then i wasn't doing it a lot. i made a dumb mistake and again i had to book a test for july 9th. i hate doing the test in guelph so who knows, i may see if walkerton or orangeville have anything sooner than that. the thing about failing at something so many times is that when you finally achieve whatever it is, you'll appreciate it far more than if you got it on the first try. that's what i try to tell myself but the reality is i'm either way too tense or way too lax in the drivers seat. whatever.

my dad's doing pretty well now in terms of walking around without the assistance of a cane. he just gets easily winded and it's hard seeing him so tired and popping pills all the time but i guess that's cancer for you, slowly wearing people down. however i think my dad is pretty tough and strong and everything you need to be to fight a terminal illness. i'm proud of him for battling through it and never looking back. i hope i can be even slightly as great as he is when i'm older.

i've got the china bug back and i'm looking forward to being able to go back to teach. i don't know if i'll end up in hangzhou again - i'd really like to live in a different city for a while, maybe hong kong or shanghai, or something small like yangshuo or dare i say wuzhen. i can't stand the pollution in beijing and how cold it gets in the winter so that part of the country is out. i keep surfing Dave's ESL Cafe and getting loopy over the job postings. arrgghhh!!