into the sea you and me

i think my saturday nights are getting progressively lamer with each passing weekend, case and point i spent tonight reading historical fiction and listening to the cure and drinking tapwater. tell me it will get better this, someone, anyone. i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up to anybody new right now or even invest myself in people i already know, it's like i'm scared to be away from home for long and i don't have the capacity to trust anybody but my family. maybe not trust in the fullest sense of the word, but more like trusting my rollercoaster emotions and fragile hopes and the big turmoil of thoughts in my head that stem from dad's cancer, to anyone else but my nearest and dearest. i don't know how to begin to go about processing the things i feel, i don't know how to relate to anyone right now - lot's of i don't knows and not enough definites. but i think the worst thing is knowing that a lot of my friends don't know how to relate to me anymore either, and that's when i feel the most alone.