embro

today was the embro highland games - we placed third (out of four, haha) but as cliche as it sounds the important thing was we had a really good time. or at least i did. after a few beers and botched attempt at lead tip during the final massed bands. needless to say it was a fun day, i got lots of sun and texted old friends and didn't have to think about anything painful for a very long time.

my dad's coming back home at the end of the week. we're getting a hospital bed and other necessities tomorrow morning. we've moved around the living room to accommodate these new articles of furniture and it feels weird just being in that room now, even without the new bed and everything else. i can't picture seeing my dad in his bed in there at all. i feel guilty because part of me wishes he could be in palliative care just so he'll be taken care of 100% perfectly and smoothly, any little problem can be fixed immediately there. with him at home it's like always treading on thin ice, anything can go wrong at the drop of a hat and suddenly it's panic central, like maybe he'll be in pain for a long time til we can get a nurse or doctor in the house. that scares me so much. at the same i need him to be home so there's some remote sense of normalcy and so i'll be able to spend as much time with him as i can. i hate this whole situation and even having to mentally sort out things like this. nobody should have to go through this.

friday night we did the relay for life. we were rained out at 2am but everything leading up to that was amazing - the luminaries, the laps, the good conversations with old friends - all of it. i'm glad that i could be part of something bigger than myself, and do something proactive instead of just watching my dad get progressively weaker and weaker. at least i feel like i can have a little bit of power over this, raising money to help find a cure. maybe my dad won't ever benefit from it but if i can contribute to saving somebody else's father, mother, grandma, brother, friend, whatever, then it's so worth it.

back to work tomorrow afternoon, bunch of stuff to catch up on but i can't seem to wrap my mind around going back to the every day, mundane tasks that need to be done. one foot in front of the other.