coffee breakdowns

this week i got contacts, new skinny jeans, mile high heels and two bad hair days. the contacts are pretty annoying as my right eye keeps going blurry and it makes it annoying to use the computer at work. this morning i had to drop a memory stick off to a person at another office and, while vaguely seeing an individual in the shadows that resembled said person, my eye chose that moment to blur over so i had to fumble around and squint a lot to determine who they were. aaawwkward.

going to montreal tomorrow til monday to see my grandparents (and shop, and let's be honest, hopefully see the new Mummy movie). every trip to montreal we always say we'll go downtown and see old montreal and enjoy the sights but we just end up going to mall champlain and watching vhs tapes at my grandparents house in brossard. fingers crossed for this trip!

i've lost roughly 35 lbs now since february and truthfully i'm kind of happy with my present weight and appearance, which i haven't felt since i was in like... grade 3 and some mouthy kid said i was fat. i'm not exactly skinny but i'm a healthy weight and i'm moderately comfortable in my own skin so you know, that's something. i'm about 170 right now and i'd still really like to be 150 but it's not like some big panic to get there. two years ago i was at 229 so looking back i've done pretty well. losing weight is hard stuff man, my dad was always a huge supporter though and i don't think i could have done it without his encouragement, him driving me to herbal one and telling me i looked great and everything, i don't know, he was awesome. like a month before he passed away he had some stern words with me because i was drifting off my diet (people kept bringing meals over to our house and none of them were exactly weight loss compatible). he said after he was gone i better stick to my goals and not let things run amuck just because i was grieving. i'm trying to keep doing this for him, he wanted me to be healthy and obviously i want that too, so here's to that. admittedly though i can't keep away from the booze to well because sometimes after a long day of work, knowing i'm going home to my life without my dad, a big glass of cabernet sauvignon is the best remedy. i think anyone who's lost someone they love would attest to that.

i can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks. at night i lie in bed and remember how he looked when i found him, his jaw slack and his hands cold, his skin drawn and pale. i'm sorry if people read this and are uncomfortable hearing that, but that's how it was. he was a shell though, that's all, he was just this empty shell and the real him was with God and still is, no pain, no tears, no suffering, just joy and peace. i miss him so much, every single day, sometimes it;s so hard to keep going when i know he's not there behind me anymore, supporting me. i worry for my mom and how she'll do without him, i know it's tough for her and i feel bad that i can't support her more. i worry for my brother because he's so much like my dad was, they were so close and so alike, and i don't want him to feel alone or without guidance.

i don't have a lot of friends, but i'm finding out who my real ones are, the ones that message or text me or call - even if i don't respond - just to let me know they're there. the ones that aren't afraid to contact me because they don't know what to say - that really hurts.

there's a quote that my grade school teacher mr dekorte wrote in a sympathy card to the family a couple weeks ago, and it's stuck with me ever since. it's from the end of the last battle by cs lewis, and it speaks of death and going to heaven:

"The term is over; the holidays have begun.
The dream is ended: this is the morning."