i cleaned out my closet today (no, really, that isn't a song lyric)

my dad has been in the hospital for exactly a week now due to pain from the cancer that is now in his spine, some area of soft tissue, and a few other bones that unfortunately i can't recall the names of. he did a bunch of radiation treatments and is on painkillers, so he's slowly starting to walk again with a walker and a cane. i can't begin to tell you how much of an emotional rollercoaster the past two weeks have been. at the same time my family has drawn so much closer together to support each other. my brother and i talk much more, my mom and i have this amazing candidness between us now, and my dad and i spend a ton of time together. it's so wonderful to have this love shared between all of us, this honesty and this appreciation of one another, even in the midst of something so devestating and hard to deal with. each day is scary and challenging and we cry a lot but we also just get on with it and bite the bullet. i'm still working 9 to 5, still doing what i always did. i guess we need some sense of normalcy when something so close to us stops making sense. i feel in some ways that i've skipped about 10 years of my life, i have no desire to go out and party or drink or do whatever other 22 year olds are doing because i'm slowly losing my dad to cancer and its putting everything into perspective.

i woke up again this morning with the sun in my eyes

i have two nicknames, the first being stan and/or stanley which somehow got attached to me at the ripe age of 7 or so. special thanks goes to my brother for that one. my dad, my brother, and some of the people i've known since that age continue to call me that and i can't even complain anymore because unfortunately i answer to it as naturally as "danielle". nickname number two is danni and/or dani which seems to be what the americans in my life call me, i'm not too sure why exactly, is it some sort of south of the border thing? who knows. i'm not counting dtox as a nickname because it is AWFUL and an annoying college thing that sticks with you for years after (along with mismatched dish sets and weird bags).

today i went to paris (ontario, sorry no latin quarter) for first impressions community exchange and enjoyed some mild shopping and rain showers, a decent chicken wrap, and quality time with the boss-man. i enjoy my job so much it's not even funny. this week is going by way too fast.

i'm so into third eye blind again, i just adore all the songs off their self-titled album. anyone who doesn't melt at "how's it going to be" either has no heart or is donny deutsch. "motorcycle driveby" also gets me everytime. in the music vein - the new ashlee simpson cd is hilarious and i love the song hot stuff and her stupid voice, her greatness is multiplied a million-fold by the fact that she is now pete went'z WIFE. whhhaaaaaat.

my ex from a few months ago is engaged now and i guess that's weird but cool at the same time. i think that's kind of what he's been looking for for a while and now he's found that, so, you know, good on him. you have to be happy for people who are engaged, i think it says a lot about them in terms of committment and wanting to beat the divorce odds. i'm also extremely excited for my brother and my future sister in law because they're both amazing and the wedding is going to totally rule. let's be honest i'm mostly excited for the open bar.

i'm down about 26 lbs now, that's a little bizarre and i still can't see an iota of difference when i look in the mirror. my mind has not quite caught up with the rest of me and maybe because i've been chunky all my life i'll always see myself as a whale and obsess about how other people perceive me. i remember once in like grade 2 being made fun of for being bigger than the other girls - honestly i was pretty small back then so i don't even see how that worked but for most of my life i've been out of shape and stuff, never really made fun of a lot, but still. maybe this stuff sticks with you for your entire life. i can't see myself ever being 100% confident about how i look even if i lose another 26 lbs, especially compared to a lot of my friends.

i will be your ferdinand and you my wayward girl

as far as birthdays go, today was pretty good. i'm still getting used to lack of local friends and i thought today might be brutal in terms of making me feel incredibly lonely, but my lunch out with all my works friends - all married, all over the age of 50, all with kids my age my age or older - just made me feel incredibly awesome. i got a beautiful mixed media piece of artwork from my "boss" deb, a $25 gift card for mermaid antiques from margaret, cards, and from al i received a signed copy of a book he'd written on some aspects of the history of wellington county (i am a big local history buff now, dum dum dummm). from the parents - ipod speakers, mexx pants and gorgeous top, really beautiful necklace, and dinner out. also money from my relatives, a pajama sweater and purse from my grandparents, and flowers from my brother and his fiancee. pretty solid stuff. birthdays get kind of lame the older you get, i think, and i'm still not quite processing that it's come and almost gone but that seems to be the trend for me this year. delayed reactions all around.

i've now lost about 21 lbs which is a big feat for me since i'm such a fan of bread and sweet sweet cheese and am now down to weight watchers ultra thin floppy bits of bread and this bizarre no fat no taste mozarella, but that's ok by me. the best thing about losing weight is shopping for sure, i love clothes, man, and the more i can fit into the happier i am. i am still about another 25 lbs away from my "goal weight" since i've been slacking quite a bit lately but better 25 than 40.

the brochure i did for the fergus 175 stuff got published and i'm so stoked, it turned out pretty sweet. it's gratifying actually seeing something i created and being able to hold it in my hands and know it was distributed to 3000 people. that's whack.

my dad's starting radiation treatment in about two weeks from now as the cancer has spread to his upper right leg, in the bone, and also to one of his ribs. they're going to blast it down a bit so he'll be in a lot less pain. still surreal, still don't know how to really talk about all of it. i've realized though even when i'm crying about it and everything gets really overwhelming i've still never given up hoping that he'll go into remission and things will somehow turn around, despite it being stage 4. he's amazing, honestly, he's so strong and anyone who hasn't met my dad has missed out bigtime thus far. i know a lot of people are scared of him because he comes off as serious and tall and intimidating but he's a riot, funny as all get out, knows all the words to cheesy 80s songs and is terrible at guitar hero but plays it anyway. i wish everyone in the world could know him like i do.

in closing, i can't wait to see the new indiana jones. goodnight.

guys like us

my cold has hit full force and i'm thinking that a day off work will be good for me. i need to just curl up in bed in my pajamas reading stephen king novellas and drinking pomegranate tea. all. day. unfortunately i also have to hunker down this weekend and finish a bookmark ad for the centre wellington/elorafergus.travel websites bahh. i also need to start putting together a booklet on the fergus 175 anniversary and i still have no idea where i'm going with it. i don't know how to say this to the powers that be at work but i am not a graphic designer. period. i am a-okay for copywriting and i can do fairly decent art direction if i put my mind to it but i can't crank out these brochures and booklets and have them look as good as something done at a design house. that's a little depressing but then again i've never studied design in full and the only photoshop tutorials we received were two classes at seneca in which we did the lamest stuff ever, nothing near this. i wish i'd gone creative side in the last semester and practiced art direction a little more thoroughly, i KNEW i wouldn't end up on the account side, we all know suits don't suit (aha!) me anyway.

i miss crookshanks less and less each day and it's making me sad to think that. i am happy to reconnect with big ol babes again and he's good company when i get i have the mean reds or whatever audrey hepburn called it. blue funk? yellow jazz?

my brother and i are potentially taking a six day trip to las vegas and l.a. at the end of may. i am crossing my fingers so badly on this one for several reasons, the main being hello venice beach and cheesy casinos and the second being that my brother and i rarely ever have time to connect, and in the past our relationship has been somewhat rocky due to the four year age difference let alone the gender difference. dave is all airplanes and high-falutin cigars and i'm more one part drama queen two parts dashboard confessional lyrics. in my defense i'm getting better and dave and i do share a common passion for guitar hero and making fun of people. i think all laings have this certain humour gene passed on from generation to generation, we inherited the exact same sense of humour as my dad and my grandpa and i daresay great grampy alexander was in the same boat.

i'm at the point of swallowing mucus so i'm out. my dad's health went rock bottom the last couple weeks but he seems to be about 90% okay now so it's like this huge weight off my shoulders. i cried every single day for two weeks straight but now i can actually breathe again. boy oh boy.

oh-last night went to see jeremy fisher and the proclaimers play at jackhammers in brantford. killer show, especially jeremy fisher - i bought his new cd, "goodbye blue monday", and cannot stop listening to it for even a second.

of family and photoshop

i learned how to make a water droplet in photoshop, as demonstrated on the right..pretty easy stuff, just basically playing with blend modes and copious use of drop shadow and inner glow. my current graphic design projects are: an ad for the centre wellington rotary, posters for the fergus scottish festival military tattoo as well as their sunday "family day", poster for a johnny reid concert, and a spread for elora & fergus tourism that will be featured in the GRCA summer guide. sweet bro. it's nice having actual portfolio pieces under my belt. speaking of which a buddy and i are tentatively starting an ad agency, not sure of the name yet but things are under way and i'm really excited as i've now got somewhat of a base to begin from in terms of clients.

my dad's leg has been hurting him since yesterday and automatically we all assume it's something to do with the cancer but you can never be sure. it scares me a lot and i find myself going through the same process every few days: everything gradually starts to fill up inside me like a flooded well, slowly rising up, up, up until at the last moment i push it all down really fast. rinse, repeat. it's draining and it hurts but it's working, i can actually get through the day and find enough inside me to joke around with the pops and genuinely smile. i think the important thing to remember is appreciating every single second, and always hoping for the best even if others would say its unrealistic.

my favourite poem of all time is "do not go gentle into that good night" by dylan thomas. at first read it seems almost morbid and depressing but when you think about it, its telling us to not take any moment of life for granted and fight for every breath in our body. he puts it best though: rage, rage against the dying of the light.

alive with trains and passing ships

i've decided that i need to de-clutter my life. i've got a lot of things going on and i'm one of those people that tends to get stressed out at the drop of a hat but doesn't know how to deal with it. i do make a lot of lists but those stress me out too as items on them mount and bits don't get crossed off. my mom and i grabbed dinner tonight and i poured out my whole sob story about feeling lonely and bummed out about everything right now, and she managed to make me see it in a different way by identifying the root of the problem: my life right now isn't balanced. i spend most of it at work, which i adore, but i think life has to be equal parts work and play. you have to know how to relax after stringing yourself up all day. i can't seem to do that, i'm in work-mode about 80% of the time. my social life is about one night out a week with my very few friends in the area, and the rest of it is spent with my parents and/or cat. i don't do the things i love very much anymore because i'm too tired and drained, i guess emotionally too because of everything with my dad. i see myself now, and then myself a year ago, the girl who loved going out so much and was so excited about everything albeit fairly immature, and now the girl who goes to bed at 9:30 and reads nerdy books about apartheid and doesn't listen to half as much music as she'd like to. i need to take more time to be happy and just enjoy existing. i have broken down the steps i need to take:

1. change of scenery. this weekend i'm going to buy new bedding and pictures and a rug and blinds and paint a mural on my wall and repaint my stupid dresser. i'm thinking browns and dark rich purples and aquamarines, wild bold colours that will be a kick in the pants.

2. natural prozak. that's right amigos it's endorphine time. ok to be fair to myself, i've been planning to start biking the 3 or 4 k to work every day but right now it's a bit icy and cold so i'm waiting on that for another couple weeks. still.

3. trim down the excess stress. every thursday night i'm on the go from 6-9:!5 and wedged in there is 2 hours of drum instruction i give the air cadets in guelph. i am going to only do it the last thurs of every month instead.

4. pursue that which i love. more music, fiddle lessons, good movies, great books, drink weird tea flavours, knit, start going to lame concerts again, etc etc.

5. friends. solidify those which do exist and make more. not sure how to do this yet as most people my age still around fergus are bizarre and have penchant for going to stampede ranch and working at tims.

6. licence...roadtest...booking...this week......insert big cringe.

jp cormier is still seriously so wonderful, as is the new panic at the disco and hey! the entire smashing pumpkins discography too, which mysteriously downloaded its way on to my ipod over the course of 15 hours. speaking of which i dropped it one too many times and it erased all 4675 songs in the blink of an eye. i have like 820 now (mostly SP surprise surprise) and it isn't so bad, it's like starting with a clean slate.

the transition parts of our lives are so weird, you spend so much time trying to just get your footing and figure out how it's all working. i just really want to have a car and an apartment at this point and not feel so stressed, i want stuff to come together so i can stop waiting for everything to kick in or happen. i want a break so badly and i don't know how to take it or what to do besides de-cluttering in the aforementioned ways. i have the travel bug right now like crazy, too. not even china, just anywhere really, the maritimes or south africa or vietnam or ireland, even the states, i wanna get out of here.

on a less emo note my mom and i went to an arbonne thing at our friend shirley's house last night, at 8 we did the earth hour thing and just used candles and it was so freaking cool. my dad was checking the news today and mentioned that there'd been a 5% decrease in power usage in ontario because of it. isn't that awesome? it excites me so much to think what we can do for our planet when we actually band together. imagine if we had an earth hour every day, what a difference that would make.

espresso yourself

updates: i am learning to play my grandfather's 85-year old fiddle and enjoying it immensely. i have created 2 new ads at work for local businesses that are being published in "recipes to experience" this summer. i am addicted to jp cormier's music and smooth, smooth voice.

when people ask me what i miss most about china i find it really hard to answer, it's a whole needle in the haystack scenario and i have to blurt out something about the culture or the people, blah blah blah. how do you explain missing the way your life was then, the certain feeling you had wound up warm and strong in your chest? it sounds weird to say that, to explain just missing the comfort of not knowing, the bittersweet embrace of naivety, along with the comfort of routine. i miss that part of my life, that old self, but i'm happy here too and maybe that's the hardest of all to explain. i'm happy with my job (i love it, in fact), i'm happy living with my parents again for now, i'm happy being able to do things with my dad no matter how seemingly insignificant. i'm happy shopping for new lamps with my mom and watching tlc at night and sitting by the fire with my cat and going out for dinner with old friends, just as i was happy buying milktea and doing groceries at carrefour and teaching songs to my students and strolling along xi hu at 6am when it was already so humid your shirt would stick to your back. these are things i loved/love and i cannot pick one thing over the other as it's like comparing apples and oranges, or just completely unique chapters in that cliched book of life.

i honestly thought no one read this but one of my friends, steph, called the other night and told me she likes what i write. i guess it's a little strange thinking people actually check this stuff out, it's a diary really and didn't we all have little pink and purple flowery ones as kids that had those cheapy silver locks on the front? private, keep out, etc etc. i have been keeping some form of journal since i was about 9 or 10 years old, three diaries and three online journals, the former are definitely the most entertaining since at one time i apparently had a crush on aladdin. it was those bulging animated muscles i guess and everyone knows i'm a sucker for ethnic dudes.

this is a whole lot of rambling so bedtime, ciao bella

corncob pipes and rock'n'roll hair

- i like: every kind of music you can possibly imagine, best sellers, horror movies, pipe bands, the smell of chlorine, red wine, graphic design, makeover shows, mixed media, contemporary poetry, shopping, shoes, traveling, mixtapes, video games, camping, christmas, cats, & alliteration

- i have: never been completely close to anybody in my entire life except for my parents, i make friends but i am not 100% open with them nor do i let them in entirely

toronto & you

thank you for:

girl talk til sunrise
carmen electra hiphop aerobics at 4am
rilo kiley singalongs
sharing your space with me
being open again

i missed it more than i can even say.

my brother's getting married!!