我爱你

my two favourite mealtime delights right now are hot green tea with lemon and fat free organic vanilla yoghurt with diced apple, raspberries, and a hearty dollop of cinnamon. it is seriously the best breakfast ever.

it's so funny for me to look back a year and a half ago when i was applying to schools, and it was all like 'i applied to (insert horrible english mill) in beautiful DONGGUAN!" dongguan is like the most polluted, dirty industrial city in guangzhou. i am THRILLED that i didn't end up there. i also applied to all these kindergartens that paid next to nothing in shanghai and beijing. now as i go through the application process a second time, i'm way stingier and so suspicious of every single school which is weird since that's how i should have been BEFORE i moved to china in 2007. needless to say i applied to a chain school with locations along the east coast - hangzhou, shanghai, yangzhou, qingdao, oubei, etc - and i'm hoping i'll swing it for hangzhou. i do have a job waiting for me but i'm considering it my back-up option in the event that something better doesn't fall into my lap. i'm talking more pay, better hours, nicer work environment. i have a real longing to teach in a public school there too, something about monday to friday, 16 hours a week really does it for me. unfortunately it's really hard finding a job that isn't posted by some sketchy recruiter on like teslchinarecruiterspyware.cn haha. been checking out jobs in qingdao and shanghai mostly, as hangzhou ones are also hard to come by.

my life right now is pretty quiet, just slipping through my last two months at work while balancing tai chi, grief counselling, dieting, mandarin lessons, and zero social life. on the plus side i sleep really well, watch horribly satisfying television, and am down 45 lbs! only 13 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!

grief counselling is tough and awful and incredibly good for me. we're a group of 10 girls ranging from 18 to 28, most of us have lost parents recently. it's good. we delve into the hardest things and work through our experiences. it feels like a safe place to think about my dad since i never allow myself to do that at any other time. it hurts too much to go to that place where i have to remember him, especially in his last few months. i sleep with an old sweater of his and have a picture of him tacked up right by my pillow, but that's the extent of it. i'm not ready to work through it all yet. i'm not ready to cry and hurt so badly. not when it's this fresh. but doing it in small doses, once a week - i can manage that.

tonight i'm watching indiana jones and maybe going for a walk and sleeping at a sensible hour

sayonara, august paycheque!

i'm trying to type with these crazy fake nails right now and it's causing me extreme hand trauma. my fingers keep stumbling off the keys, wtf, who seriously buys these things with the intention of using them. picture on right depicts my exact emotions over said nails.

got the hair dyed and trimmed today, also bought an unbelievably beautiful silk dress by sweet chemise on sale half price ($85!) at broderick's. will be perfect for tory's bachelorette tonight as well as for wearing to vicky's wedding. it's this lovely japanese-esque pattern, all cherry blossoms and interesting swirls in brown and cream and turquoise with this big brown 'obi' at the waist. looks totally awesome with heels but i imagine it will look great this fall with a cami and cardigan and my new gray boots from spring shoes.

i've purchased way too many things over the last two weeks, clothes for fall and various what have yous, to the point that i'm scared to open my visa bill. erk.

danielle's backpacking adventure 2009 (but wait! there's more!)

So I'm officially moving back to China in January. Specifically, Hangzhou, to once again take up the ESL teaching torch at the children's language school where I used to "teach" (read: babysat). As my job winds down in its final few months of event planning, miscellaneous design projects, and trying to keep the events calendar in some semblance of order, I'm finding myself increasingly looking forward to exchanging my skirts and blouses and wobbly heels for jeans and hoodies and a big old backpack. That's right, I'm spending my first two weeks back in China as a bonafide hostel-sleeping backpacker. I've been trying to plan this trip and figuring out where I want to go, and it's been a rollercoaster of places.. at first I was all set to scour Xinjiang (too cold), then I decided instead to spend a couple of weeks in Laos, and then it was Thailand and the Kho Phagun Moon Party (too rowdy), and now it's finally come full circle and I've planned out a fantastic adventure around Yunnan province with a few days dabbling next door in Guangxi. The itinerary is as such right now:

January 8: Fly to Shanghai – bus from Shanghai to Hangzhou – couple nights in Hangzhou to drop off luggage and prepare for backpacking EXTRAVAGANZA!

Flight from Hangzhou to Guilin City – Bus from Guilin to YANGSHUO (3 nights):

 See Karst scenery, villages, awesome stuff, etc.
 Stay at: Yangshuo Culture House or West Lily Hotel

Flight from Guilin to KUNMING (3 nights):

 Spend a few days in Kunming, explore Shilin stone forest etc.
 Stay at: Cloudland Hostel

Train from Kunming to LIJIANG (2 nights):

 Explore Lijiang, Naxi culture, visit old Naxi villages and Lijiang Old Town
 Stay at: Panba Courtyard Guesthouse

Train from Lijiang to DALI (3 nights):

 See sights, meet weird backpackers, check out scenery/side trips
 Stay at: Jade Emu International Guesthouse

Flight from Dali to JINGHONG (3 nights):

 See home of Dai minority, Xishuangbanna area, wicked culture, Galanba, bike around, etc.
 Stay at: Banna Guesthouse or Banna Hotel

Flight from Jinghong to Hangzhou.

* Everything subject to change.

I'm saving money for this, getting really stoked about hoofing it all over the place, and preparing my index finger for getting snap happy with the camera. I'm even moreso stoked about doing this thing alone, just me and my ipod and whatever quirky travelers I meet in these hostels. I want the entire thing to finish just before Chinese New Year starts so I don't end up stranded in some sketchy airport in the middle of nowhere with ten trillion other people all trying to get to Hangzhou. I fully intend to wile away my new years month with sleep, foot massages, and bad karaoke. And plenty of day trips to spots near Hangzhou with occasional excursion to Anhui thrown in for good measure.

My Chinese lessons are going really well, it shocks me everytime I see one of the few characters I know and I can actually *recognize it*. It shocks me even more when I can *read an actual sentence*. Of Chinese characters. It doesn't take a lot to impress myself. It'll be nice to be able to get around a little more and have that basic conversational background as opposed to my limited survival vocab that I was spouting before. Plus I'm starting to grasp the tones which is a whole other ballgame in itself.

The next month is shaping up to be remarkably busy - Saturday is Tory's bachelorette party, Sunday is the Guelph Scottish Festival/recovery from said bachelorette party. Then NEXT week Friday is Dave and Tory's wedding rehearsal, wedding on Saturday, brunch followed by special outing on Sunday. Week after that is my friend Vicky's wedding. Then Sensational Elora hits in an explosion of festivities and volunteering and too many committee meetings to count, but that's okay! Thanksgiving my mom and I are seriously considering just going away for four days to a place where Thanksgiving doesn't exist, and thus running away from our first holiday without my dad. We talked about Hershey, Pennsylvania or maybe Vermont, even tossed Cape Cod and Boston around, so we'll see. I don't care where we go as long as it's the U.S., I love going there, not really sure why maybe it's the Olive Gardens and outlet malls.

Tonight I start Tai Chi, also new Prison Break, tomorrow is new Fringe, it's sad that I measure my life by television programming. Ciao.

to-do list before November:

- get new passport
- mandarin lessons
- g1 driving test
- run 5k
- lose 20 lbs
- martial arts once a week (no, really)
- upgrade ram on macbook
- new ipod battery

probably more to come.

at home with the exiles

my mom and i started a running regimen that promises to take us from couch potatoes to 5k runners in under 2 months. if this actually comes to pass i will boggle in shock but regardless i'm looking forward to getting more exercise. they have a couple of running clubs in hangzhou so i can keep it up when i go back.

this morning was pretty simple - brisk walk for the first 5 minutes, then alternating jogging and walking for another 20 minutes. we do the same thing on wednesday and friday, then next week we move onto the next level which involves more jogging, less walking. the training plan goes on from there and eventually builds up in the 5k of just running. i'll try to update on our progress week by week in here.

below heaven is...

i haven't written much about my teaching experience in hangzhou because at the time i didn't think there was much to say, i went, i taught, i conquered, and then came back early and got a job here in ontario and that was that. in truth it was a good and bad experience, the bad only really stemming from different nitpicky moments at the school itself. take this with a grain of salt, i guess, as in terms of work places in china, mine was far better than a lot that i've heard of. plus i had a ton of free time - weekdays i only had to teach 2 hours in the evening, but weekends were 10 hours +.

i liked my school, loved my students, made fast friends with office staff, teachers, bosses, etc. but the school itself.. the money we made was below average, the school had no a/c or heat (trust me, that's insane when it's 35 celsius in the middle of july, you have 30 kids crammed into a little room, and the humidity is so bad that your hair is wet), and there were no lesson plans available for parts of the curriculum, besides the student book the children worked out of. in some ways though things were fair because we didn't do much lesson planning as most of us relied heavily on the chinese english teachers to direct us, and just played games and taught a few things, got the kids to speak a bit, etc etc. i just found it exhausting though to have to do this six days a week, sometimes seven, especially when i was told i'd be working five days a week. i guess things like this are pretty typical at privately owned schools in china, though. i don't know. some things i could whine and whine about but then it's like, really, i didn't have it bad at all and when i look back on the experience i can only really see the good in it, the fun times i had teaching songs to kids and dancing at the big christmas performance, and the little things like hugs from the kids and doing dialogues and whatnot.

i think this time i want my weekends free - i find i'm happier with a 9-5, monday to friday routine. i want actual lesson plans and good pay, and if i can teach kids again then even better. i'm looking forward to going back to china so much, no matter where i end up, be it yangshuo, hangzhou, or even shanghai. the culture, the people, the whole teaching experience - it's everything i love wrapped up together. i want to do it better this time around, take the time to savour everything and put more effort into doing things like studying mandarin, learning tai chi, taking some chinese cooking classes (and perhaps focusing less on the pi jiu), that kind of stuff. i'm almost hesitant to go back to hangzhou because i feel like i've already been there, done that, whereas yangshuo with its small town feel and its southern location provides new opportunities and new experiences. i've been thinking about it the past week and still can't make a decision, but either way i'm excited to go.

you never really liked attention but--

happy birthday dad, i miss you more than words can say.

i think i'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

whaaaaaaaaaaat the heeeeeeeeckkkkkkkk

coffee breakdowns

this week i got contacts, new skinny jeans, mile high heels and two bad hair days. the contacts are pretty annoying as my right eye keeps going blurry and it makes it annoying to use the computer at work. this morning i had to drop a memory stick off to a person at another office and, while vaguely seeing an individual in the shadows that resembled said person, my eye chose that moment to blur over so i had to fumble around and squint a lot to determine who they were. aaawwkward.

going to montreal tomorrow til monday to see my grandparents (and shop, and let's be honest, hopefully see the new Mummy movie). every trip to montreal we always say we'll go downtown and see old montreal and enjoy the sights but we just end up going to mall champlain and watching vhs tapes at my grandparents house in brossard. fingers crossed for this trip!

i've lost roughly 35 lbs now since february and truthfully i'm kind of happy with my present weight and appearance, which i haven't felt since i was in like... grade 3 and some mouthy kid said i was fat. i'm not exactly skinny but i'm a healthy weight and i'm moderately comfortable in my own skin so you know, that's something. i'm about 170 right now and i'd still really like to be 150 but it's not like some big panic to get there. two years ago i was at 229 so looking back i've done pretty well. losing weight is hard stuff man, my dad was always a huge supporter though and i don't think i could have done it without his encouragement, him driving me to herbal one and telling me i looked great and everything, i don't know, he was awesome. like a month before he passed away he had some stern words with me because i was drifting off my diet (people kept bringing meals over to our house and none of them were exactly weight loss compatible). he said after he was gone i better stick to my goals and not let things run amuck just because i was grieving. i'm trying to keep doing this for him, he wanted me to be healthy and obviously i want that too, so here's to that. admittedly though i can't keep away from the booze to well because sometimes after a long day of work, knowing i'm going home to my life without my dad, a big glass of cabernet sauvignon is the best remedy. i think anyone who's lost someone they love would attest to that.

i can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks. at night i lie in bed and remember how he looked when i found him, his jaw slack and his hands cold, his skin drawn and pale. i'm sorry if people read this and are uncomfortable hearing that, but that's how it was. he was a shell though, that's all, he was just this empty shell and the real him was with God and still is, no pain, no tears, no suffering, just joy and peace. i miss him so much, every single day, sometimes it;s so hard to keep going when i know he's not there behind me anymore, supporting me. i worry for my mom and how she'll do without him, i know it's tough for her and i feel bad that i can't support her more. i worry for my brother because he's so much like my dad was, they were so close and so alike, and i don't want him to feel alone or without guidance.

i don't have a lot of friends, but i'm finding out who my real ones are, the ones that message or text me or call - even if i don't respond - just to let me know they're there. the ones that aren't afraid to contact me because they don't know what to say - that really hurts.

there's a quote that my grade school teacher mr dekorte wrote in a sympathy card to the family a couple weeks ago, and it's stuck with me ever since. it's from the end of the last battle by cs lewis, and it speaks of death and going to heaven:

"The term is over; the holidays have begun.
The dream is ended: this is the morning."

the waiting room

it's a state of disconnect, a game of touch and go, day by day step by step. listening for the door rushing open - the slam of the screen, heavy footsteps, surprised smiles and it's "where were you?" but knowing all the same. it feels like an in between stage, these unreal nights of dinner on my lap and mom near me on the couch, watching foreign films and turning in at 10 o clock. the hours dragging at our eyes and hearts and our hands constantly waiting, trying not to forget the angle of your shoulders, the scar above your lip, the tiny bumps of cancer in your inner arm and between your collarbones. i work and diet and write and read and feel asia pulsing in my blood but above all i wait for the door and the greetings and the return of normalcy, of you and mom and davey and i, wine on the patio and the trips in the van, video games and petty arguments, hugs at night and morning coffee. there's more than this, it's coming, it's under our skin, sunken into our bones. we wear this anticipation like worn clothing, something always there, familiar and safe. we wait for you to come home, hang your coat, and tell us about your trip.