i need a haircut so bad

snowman impersonations in the pm.

i think there's a newish supernatural on tonight that i didn't see in october, so i'm pretty excited about that. i just need something to fill that 8-9 void!

it's freaking me out how much my diet has slowed down in the past month. i guess the less you weigh the harder it is to take off the remaining pounds. i'm skirting 150 right now, and ideally i'd like to be in the 140's (i'll take 149, why not) by the time we leave for the cruise next friday. psychologically to be in the 140's will merit a BIG WIN. if i can get 145 by the time i leave for china in january then that's that, i'll be absolutely thrilled with myself and try to stay somewhere between 140 - 145. i'm coming to terms with the fact that i am unfortunately sort of pear shaped and if i have curvy thighs my whole life i can live with it. the point is my body fat percentage is okay, i'm right smack dab in the middle of a healthy Body Mass Index, and my waist and hip measurements are also healthy. i cannot even remember the last time that i was anywhere near this, so that's a good feeling. (also i had chocolate mousse tonight and am trying to make myself feel better.)

only 5 more days of work to go! this weekend is like a christmas bonanza, tomorrow night my mom and i are seeing 'a celtic christmas' concert put on by the barra macneils, then saturday is old-fashioned christmas downtown thornbury followed by big family dinner at an inn near there. sunday we're seeing handel's messiah and having a little xmas dinner with my brother and my sister-in-law. i thought christmas without my dad would be a lot harder and a lot weirder, and maybe it is but i just haven't let myself grasp that yet? i'm not sure, but it's okay, i'm enjoying the season, the cheesy movies, the bing crosby cds, etc. we'll see.

come thou fount of every blessing

today i am happy and energized because it's friday, and it's so cold outside that my nose is still red. i love winter, the snow, the chill, and the resulting comfort and coziness of wrapping yourself up inside a warm house (or office). i think a lot of it is nostalgia of christmas when i was a kid. i've been working on a poster for work today, and at lunch i went out and did some christmas shopping (shop local!) and rewarded my spending of benjamins with a big hot earl grey tea from this coffee place down the street.

since i quit drinking coffee about a month ago (cold turkey, the only way i ever do it) i have taken up excessive consumption of tea instead. i feel way better about a bit of caffiene from tea than i do from coffee, plus the flavours are amazing. i'm so hooked on earl grey but my number 1 is this sri lankan christmas blend from holland's fine tea in fergus. amazing!! i could drink this stuff til the cows come home.

i really, really love:
- avon catalogues
- handmade christmas cards
- bing crosby's holiday classics
- mandarin flashcards
- x-weighted
- when my cat sleeps peacefully with me and doesn't stick his paws in my face and start kneading

dear sufjan stevens,

i'm sorry for forgetting about you for three years. thanks for still existing when i remembered.

forever plus a day,

danielle

...and by night i blog about FISH!

so, amazingly easy low fat tilapia recipe. tilapia has become one of my new favourite fish because it's incredibly low in calories and fat, and it's absolutely delicious - and affordable.

per fillet: a few slices of lemon, a couple slices of onion, mushrooms, slivers of red pepper - whatever veggies you wanna throw in there. place the tilapia fillet on a piece of tin foil, douse it with black pepper and garlic powder. squeeze a bit of lemon juice on there then lay the slices of lemon over the fish, along with some slices of garlic. throw the veggies on top then fold it all up in a neat little foil package and toss it in the oven at 400, bake for about 20 minutes, give or take depending on how thick the fillet is. it is so perfectly moist, smells incredible, and tastes really great with a sprinkle of peppercorns and a side of salad. i find any fish (and boneless skinless chicken breasts too) taste great when they're baked like this, with lemon and veggies and any spices that you see fit. hurray!

4 weeks til the cruise, 4 weeks til work is over, 6 weeks til i set foot back on chinese soil. my life is a series of countdowns.

sweet you rock and sweet you roll

i'm moving back to hangzhou, china the first week of this coming january to teach at the school i was at before (see also: frustrated post about weird working conditions and low pay!). my boss said i'll have increased wages though, as well as the possibility of an apartment that i coveted greatly during my previous hz stint. i'm actually so excited to go back there and plough through a couple of weeks of teaching, followed by a month off for chinese new year! so my backpacking plans shall be bumped up to february and will inevitably become more expensive as it'll be prime holiday season in china. i missed my students, my little neighbourhood with its fruit stands and bakeries, and mostly my proximity to the BEST SHOPPING DISTRICT in the city. also 25 cent beers. i have to admit i'm kind of nervous about leaving my mom and my house this time, just because i feel guilty and pained over her being alone in this big place. she said she was gonna visit a lot, for long periods of time, and i hope she does. i know my brother and tory aren't far away but i also know it will be tough for her, and me. my mom and i were always really close, but since my dad passed away we've become even closer, relying on each other so much for support. i guess we'll see how things go.

since no blog post is complete without a weight update: i've only got about 10 lbs left to go - i'm at 155 right now which isn't bad for 5'8" at all!! i'd be happy being somewhere in the size 8 to 10 range and i'm at an 11 right now which, again, isn't half bad. my mom and i are going on a 7-night carribbean cruise for christmas this year, so we went bathing suit shopping yesterday. i tried on a bikini, a truly horrifying experience, and then decided i'll go with a tankini. i am still extremely embarrassed about my thighs but the rest is OK. i dunno, if i can lose these last 10 lbs by the cruise then hopefully it won't be so bad. right now i've lost a total of about 53 lbs since february but it's weird how it seems like it's never enough, i can't look in the mirror without criticizing myself and still seeing myself over 200 lbs. the hardest part of dieting is trying to mentally adjust and come to terms with yourself.

there's this guy, he's classy, a real gentleman. i got to hang out with him a bit for just one day last week and it was awesome. i haven't been interested in someone for a really long time and i wish i could see him again but such is life, i'm moving, i think he's interested in some other girl, and i'm too much of a mess right now to let anybody care about me.

we had our last grief counselling night on wednesday, where we had to bring a picture and something that represented the person we lost. i brought my dad's old air canada captain's hat and a picture of him that i'd taken in hangzhou almost a year ago, just before i found out he had cancer. he was standing on a rock, wearing a yellow golf shirt and a big smile. when i tried to talk about my two items at the counselling, i started crying so hard that i could hardly say anything. it's things like that that make me wonder if maybe i'm not dealing with this right, that maybe i'm running away from grief/working through his death by leaving for china. i wish there was a book that could tell me how to make this pain go away. there's a hollow part inside of me that will always be there. it's been just over four months now but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday. i miss you dad.

two blog posts in two days!

sometimes i wish i'd finished my ESL degree at brock, just so i could have the opportunity to make a career out of teaching abroad. i would like nothing more than to spend my life living in numerous foreign countries and immersing myself in all these unique cultures, be it china, turkey, costa rica, the phillipines, wherever i feel like going. maybe it's something i'll grow out of. maybe in a year from now the prospect of art direction in toronto will excite me as much as teaching english in china does right now. maybe this is something i just need to get out of my system for a year or two. i hope not.

etcetera

the big thing that i've been scouring etsy for lately is textile necklaces, with linens and stitches and felted wool and all manner of strange buttons and bobbles. i so envy people who can make these kinds of things, let alone stuff like shirts and dresses and whatnot.

this is a necklace by perishables, i love the organic feel, the colours, it's warm and earthy.

gorgeous leather poppy necklace by tmStudioDesigns, $22.

i love this fabric and felt necklace by shagpile for $28. it's kind of like a collar, would look awesome with a plain black or white t-shirt.

by lupin, $27. this goes with pretty much everything ever. the 'chain' part is elastic and it sits close to your neck. how can you not love bold jewelry, seriously.

i've also been eyeing a jersey wrap dress by a designer in b.c., it's one of those pieces that you can transform about a hundred different ways. i think maybe i just like shopping too much.

我爱你

my two favourite mealtime delights right now are hot green tea with lemon and fat free organic vanilla yoghurt with diced apple, raspberries, and a hearty dollop of cinnamon. it is seriously the best breakfast ever.

it's so funny for me to look back a year and a half ago when i was applying to schools, and it was all like 'i applied to (insert horrible english mill) in beautiful DONGGUAN!" dongguan is like the most polluted, dirty industrial city in guangzhou. i am THRILLED that i didn't end up there. i also applied to all these kindergartens that paid next to nothing in shanghai and beijing. now as i go through the application process a second time, i'm way stingier and so suspicious of every single school which is weird since that's how i should have been BEFORE i moved to china in 2007. needless to say i applied to a chain school with locations along the east coast - hangzhou, shanghai, yangzhou, qingdao, oubei, etc - and i'm hoping i'll swing it for hangzhou. i do have a job waiting for me but i'm considering it my back-up option in the event that something better doesn't fall into my lap. i'm talking more pay, better hours, nicer work environment. i have a real longing to teach in a public school there too, something about monday to friday, 16 hours a week really does it for me. unfortunately it's really hard finding a job that isn't posted by some sketchy recruiter on like teslchinarecruiterspyware.cn haha. been checking out jobs in qingdao and shanghai mostly, as hangzhou ones are also hard to come by.

my life right now is pretty quiet, just slipping through my last two months at work while balancing tai chi, grief counselling, dieting, mandarin lessons, and zero social life. on the plus side i sleep really well, watch horribly satisfying television, and am down 45 lbs! only 13 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!

grief counselling is tough and awful and incredibly good for me. we're a group of 10 girls ranging from 18 to 28, most of us have lost parents recently. it's good. we delve into the hardest things and work through our experiences. it feels like a safe place to think about my dad since i never allow myself to do that at any other time. it hurts too much to go to that place where i have to remember him, especially in his last few months. i sleep with an old sweater of his and have a picture of him tacked up right by my pillow, but that's the extent of it. i'm not ready to work through it all yet. i'm not ready to cry and hurt so badly. not when it's this fresh. but doing it in small doses, once a week - i can manage that.

tonight i'm watching indiana jones and maybe going for a walk and sleeping at a sensible hour

sayonara, august paycheque!

i'm trying to type with these crazy fake nails right now and it's causing me extreme hand trauma. my fingers keep stumbling off the keys, wtf, who seriously buys these things with the intention of using them. picture on right depicts my exact emotions over said nails.

got the hair dyed and trimmed today, also bought an unbelievably beautiful silk dress by sweet chemise on sale half price ($85!) at broderick's. will be perfect for tory's bachelorette tonight as well as for wearing to vicky's wedding. it's this lovely japanese-esque pattern, all cherry blossoms and interesting swirls in brown and cream and turquoise with this big brown 'obi' at the waist. looks totally awesome with heels but i imagine it will look great this fall with a cami and cardigan and my new gray boots from spring shoes.

i've purchased way too many things over the last two weeks, clothes for fall and various what have yous, to the point that i'm scared to open my visa bill. erk.

danielle's backpacking adventure 2009 (but wait! there's more!)

So I'm officially moving back to China in January. Specifically, Hangzhou, to once again take up the ESL teaching torch at the children's language school where I used to "teach" (read: babysat). As my job winds down in its final few months of event planning, miscellaneous design projects, and trying to keep the events calendar in some semblance of order, I'm finding myself increasingly looking forward to exchanging my skirts and blouses and wobbly heels for jeans and hoodies and a big old backpack. That's right, I'm spending my first two weeks back in China as a bonafide hostel-sleeping backpacker. I've been trying to plan this trip and figuring out where I want to go, and it's been a rollercoaster of places.. at first I was all set to scour Xinjiang (too cold), then I decided instead to spend a couple of weeks in Laos, and then it was Thailand and the Kho Phagun Moon Party (too rowdy), and now it's finally come full circle and I've planned out a fantastic adventure around Yunnan province with a few days dabbling next door in Guangxi. The itinerary is as such right now:

January 8: Fly to Shanghai – bus from Shanghai to Hangzhou – couple nights in Hangzhou to drop off luggage and prepare for backpacking EXTRAVAGANZA!

Flight from Hangzhou to Guilin City – Bus from Guilin to YANGSHUO (3 nights):

 See Karst scenery, villages, awesome stuff, etc.
 Stay at: Yangshuo Culture House or West Lily Hotel

Flight from Guilin to KUNMING (3 nights):

 Spend a few days in Kunming, explore Shilin stone forest etc.
 Stay at: Cloudland Hostel

Train from Kunming to LIJIANG (2 nights):

 Explore Lijiang, Naxi culture, visit old Naxi villages and Lijiang Old Town
 Stay at: Panba Courtyard Guesthouse

Train from Lijiang to DALI (3 nights):

 See sights, meet weird backpackers, check out scenery/side trips
 Stay at: Jade Emu International Guesthouse

Flight from Dali to JINGHONG (3 nights):

 See home of Dai minority, Xishuangbanna area, wicked culture, Galanba, bike around, etc.
 Stay at: Banna Guesthouse or Banna Hotel

Flight from Jinghong to Hangzhou.

* Everything subject to change.

I'm saving money for this, getting really stoked about hoofing it all over the place, and preparing my index finger for getting snap happy with the camera. I'm even moreso stoked about doing this thing alone, just me and my ipod and whatever quirky travelers I meet in these hostels. I want the entire thing to finish just before Chinese New Year starts so I don't end up stranded in some sketchy airport in the middle of nowhere with ten trillion other people all trying to get to Hangzhou. I fully intend to wile away my new years month with sleep, foot massages, and bad karaoke. And plenty of day trips to spots near Hangzhou with occasional excursion to Anhui thrown in for good measure.

My Chinese lessons are going really well, it shocks me everytime I see one of the few characters I know and I can actually *recognize it*. It shocks me even more when I can *read an actual sentence*. Of Chinese characters. It doesn't take a lot to impress myself. It'll be nice to be able to get around a little more and have that basic conversational background as opposed to my limited survival vocab that I was spouting before. Plus I'm starting to grasp the tones which is a whole other ballgame in itself.

The next month is shaping up to be remarkably busy - Saturday is Tory's bachelorette party, Sunday is the Guelph Scottish Festival/recovery from said bachelorette party. Then NEXT week Friday is Dave and Tory's wedding rehearsal, wedding on Saturday, brunch followed by special outing on Sunday. Week after that is my friend Vicky's wedding. Then Sensational Elora hits in an explosion of festivities and volunteering and too many committee meetings to count, but that's okay! Thanksgiving my mom and I are seriously considering just going away for four days to a place where Thanksgiving doesn't exist, and thus running away from our first holiday without my dad. We talked about Hershey, Pennsylvania or maybe Vermont, even tossed Cape Cod and Boston around, so we'll see. I don't care where we go as long as it's the U.S., I love going there, not really sure why maybe it's the Olive Gardens and outlet malls.

Tonight I start Tai Chi, also new Prison Break, tomorrow is new Fringe, it's sad that I measure my life by television programming. Ciao.

to-do list before November:

- get new passport
- mandarin lessons
- g1 driving test
- run 5k
- lose 20 lbs
- martial arts once a week (no, really)
- upgrade ram on macbook
- new ipod battery

probably more to come.

at home with the exiles

my mom and i started a running regimen that promises to take us from couch potatoes to 5k runners in under 2 months. if this actually comes to pass i will boggle in shock but regardless i'm looking forward to getting more exercise. they have a couple of running clubs in hangzhou so i can keep it up when i go back.

this morning was pretty simple - brisk walk for the first 5 minutes, then alternating jogging and walking for another 20 minutes. we do the same thing on wednesday and friday, then next week we move onto the next level which involves more jogging, less walking. the training plan goes on from there and eventually builds up in the 5k of just running. i'll try to update on our progress week by week in here.

below heaven is...

i haven't written much about my teaching experience in hangzhou because at the time i didn't think there was much to say, i went, i taught, i conquered, and then came back early and got a job here in ontario and that was that. in truth it was a good and bad experience, the bad only really stemming from different nitpicky moments at the school itself. take this with a grain of salt, i guess, as in terms of work places in china, mine was far better than a lot that i've heard of. plus i had a ton of free time - weekdays i only had to teach 2 hours in the evening, but weekends were 10 hours +.

i liked my school, loved my students, made fast friends with office staff, teachers, bosses, etc. but the school itself.. the money we made was below average, the school had no a/c or heat (trust me, that's insane when it's 35 celsius in the middle of july, you have 30 kids crammed into a little room, and the humidity is so bad that your hair is wet), and there were no lesson plans available for parts of the curriculum, besides the student book the children worked out of. in some ways though things were fair because we didn't do much lesson planning as most of us relied heavily on the chinese english teachers to direct us, and just played games and taught a few things, got the kids to speak a bit, etc etc. i just found it exhausting though to have to do this six days a week, sometimes seven, especially when i was told i'd be working five days a week. i guess things like this are pretty typical at privately owned schools in china, though. i don't know. some things i could whine and whine about but then it's like, really, i didn't have it bad at all and when i look back on the experience i can only really see the good in it, the fun times i had teaching songs to kids and dancing at the big christmas performance, and the little things like hugs from the kids and doing dialogues and whatnot.

i think this time i want my weekends free - i find i'm happier with a 9-5, monday to friday routine. i want actual lesson plans and good pay, and if i can teach kids again then even better. i'm looking forward to going back to china so much, no matter where i end up, be it yangshuo, hangzhou, or even shanghai. the culture, the people, the whole teaching experience - it's everything i love wrapped up together. i want to do it better this time around, take the time to savour everything and put more effort into doing things like studying mandarin, learning tai chi, taking some chinese cooking classes (and perhaps focusing less on the pi jiu), that kind of stuff. i'm almost hesitant to go back to hangzhou because i feel like i've already been there, done that, whereas yangshuo with its small town feel and its southern location provides new opportunities and new experiences. i've been thinking about it the past week and still can't make a decision, but either way i'm excited to go.

you never really liked attention but--

happy birthday dad, i miss you more than words can say.

i think i'd be good for you and you'd be good for me

whaaaaaaaaaaat the heeeeeeeeckkkkkkkk

coffee breakdowns

this week i got contacts, new skinny jeans, mile high heels and two bad hair days. the contacts are pretty annoying as my right eye keeps going blurry and it makes it annoying to use the computer at work. this morning i had to drop a memory stick off to a person at another office and, while vaguely seeing an individual in the shadows that resembled said person, my eye chose that moment to blur over so i had to fumble around and squint a lot to determine who they were. aaawwkward.

going to montreal tomorrow til monday to see my grandparents (and shop, and let's be honest, hopefully see the new Mummy movie). every trip to montreal we always say we'll go downtown and see old montreal and enjoy the sights but we just end up going to mall champlain and watching vhs tapes at my grandparents house in brossard. fingers crossed for this trip!

i've lost roughly 35 lbs now since february and truthfully i'm kind of happy with my present weight and appearance, which i haven't felt since i was in like... grade 3 and some mouthy kid said i was fat. i'm not exactly skinny but i'm a healthy weight and i'm moderately comfortable in my own skin so you know, that's something. i'm about 170 right now and i'd still really like to be 150 but it's not like some big panic to get there. two years ago i was at 229 so looking back i've done pretty well. losing weight is hard stuff man, my dad was always a huge supporter though and i don't think i could have done it without his encouragement, him driving me to herbal one and telling me i looked great and everything, i don't know, he was awesome. like a month before he passed away he had some stern words with me because i was drifting off my diet (people kept bringing meals over to our house and none of them were exactly weight loss compatible). he said after he was gone i better stick to my goals and not let things run amuck just because i was grieving. i'm trying to keep doing this for him, he wanted me to be healthy and obviously i want that too, so here's to that. admittedly though i can't keep away from the booze to well because sometimes after a long day of work, knowing i'm going home to my life without my dad, a big glass of cabernet sauvignon is the best remedy. i think anyone who's lost someone they love would attest to that.

i can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks. at night i lie in bed and remember how he looked when i found him, his jaw slack and his hands cold, his skin drawn and pale. i'm sorry if people read this and are uncomfortable hearing that, but that's how it was. he was a shell though, that's all, he was just this empty shell and the real him was with God and still is, no pain, no tears, no suffering, just joy and peace. i miss him so much, every single day, sometimes it;s so hard to keep going when i know he's not there behind me anymore, supporting me. i worry for my mom and how she'll do without him, i know it's tough for her and i feel bad that i can't support her more. i worry for my brother because he's so much like my dad was, they were so close and so alike, and i don't want him to feel alone or without guidance.

i don't have a lot of friends, but i'm finding out who my real ones are, the ones that message or text me or call - even if i don't respond - just to let me know they're there. the ones that aren't afraid to contact me because they don't know what to say - that really hurts.

there's a quote that my grade school teacher mr dekorte wrote in a sympathy card to the family a couple weeks ago, and it's stuck with me ever since. it's from the end of the last battle by cs lewis, and it speaks of death and going to heaven:

"The term is over; the holidays have begun.
The dream is ended: this is the morning."

the waiting room

it's a state of disconnect, a game of touch and go, day by day step by step. listening for the door rushing open - the slam of the screen, heavy footsteps, surprised smiles and it's "where were you?" but knowing all the same. it feels like an in between stage, these unreal nights of dinner on my lap and mom near me on the couch, watching foreign films and turning in at 10 o clock. the hours dragging at our eyes and hearts and our hands constantly waiting, trying not to forget the angle of your shoulders, the scar above your lip, the tiny bumps of cancer in your inner arm and between your collarbones. i work and diet and write and read and feel asia pulsing in my blood but above all i wait for the door and the greetings and the return of normalcy, of you and mom and davey and i, wine on the patio and the trips in the van, video games and petty arguments, hugs at night and morning coffee. there's more than this, it's coming, it's under our skin, sunken into our bones. we wear this anticipation like worn clothing, something always there, familiar and safe. we wait for you to come home, hang your coat, and tell us about your trip.

dear dad

when the weight of your absence hits me it's like a punch in the gut
i sit in your car and listen to dire straits and cry
sometimes at night in that still secret place i wish i could be with you
just to see your blue eyes and kiss your cheek
hear you call me "princess" again and give me a hug
i miss your jokes
i miss your strength
even when you'd get frustrated at me
when you'd be politely mean to telemarketers
and always tell mom and i that our meals were great
even if they weren't
i miss driving places with you
the mall
williams
swiss chalet
i miss planning trips
hearing your advice
even when i didn't want it
going downstairs in the morning to see you in the living room
you in your big green housecoat
newspaper on your lap
cat on your chest
coffee in your hand
i miss your smile
your silly faces
playing guitar hero with you
and singing "slowrider" afterwards for weeks on end
i miss you so much dad
i say goodnight to you every night
tell you i love you
always hoping you can hear me up there
that you just somehow know
maybe one day this will hurt less
but until then i miss you
i love you
til we meet again,
danielle

we miss you, dad.

LAING, Alan Murray
Passed away peacefully at home with his family at his side, on July 14, 2008 in his 61st year. Alan is now with the Lord after a valiant battle with cancer. Alan will be greatly missed by his wife Caroline and his loving children David (Tory Westbrook) and Danielle. Lovingly remembered by his parents W.A. (Al) and Agnes (Daisy) Laing of Thornbury and Caroline's parents Marcel and Georgette DuPlessis of Quebec. Greatly missed by his sister Faye Young (David) and his brothers Bill (Diane) and Jim. Fondly remembered by his niece Katie and nephews James and Joe. Alan retired as an Air Canada Captain after a long aviation career and was extensively involved in the betterment of community organizations and the Air Cadet Program. Friends will be received at the Graham A. Giddy Funeral Home & Chapel, 280 St. David St. South in Fergus, on July 17th from 2-4 & 7-9 pm. Funeral Service will be conducted at St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church, 325 St. George St. West in Fergus, on July 18th at 1:00 pm. Memorial Donations can be directed to the Air Cadet League of Canada, cards available at the Funeral Home
(519) 843-3100 www.grahamgiddyfh.com

throw away this wrinkled map

each morning is a mess of tubes, the steady pump of oxygen and the overwhelming heaviness of illness. i'm tense until i get to work where at least for seven hours i can pretend to do something other than worry, other than ache to my bones with hopelessness and fear and sadness. at the end of the day it's still there and his heart still beats and i'm ashamed of my despair because he's not gone yet, he's in the bed and i can ask him if he remembers this trip and that concert. he's confused and asks for water and all i can do is cry and grieve the loss of conversation and memories and the strong, proud, intelligent man he once was, now lost to the blur and murmur of pills and morphine drips.

embro

today was the embro highland games - we placed third (out of four, haha) but as cliche as it sounds the important thing was we had a really good time. or at least i did. after a few beers and botched attempt at lead tip during the final massed bands. needless to say it was a fun day, i got lots of sun and texted old friends and didn't have to think about anything painful for a very long time.

my dad's coming back home at the end of the week. we're getting a hospital bed and other necessities tomorrow morning. we've moved around the living room to accommodate these new articles of furniture and it feels weird just being in that room now, even without the new bed and everything else. i can't picture seeing my dad in his bed in there at all. i feel guilty because part of me wishes he could be in palliative care just so he'll be taken care of 100% perfectly and smoothly, any little problem can be fixed immediately there. with him at home it's like always treading on thin ice, anything can go wrong at the drop of a hat and suddenly it's panic central, like maybe he'll be in pain for a long time til we can get a nurse or doctor in the house. that scares me so much. at the same i need him to be home so there's some remote sense of normalcy and so i'll be able to spend as much time with him as i can. i hate this whole situation and even having to mentally sort out things like this. nobody should have to go through this.

friday night we did the relay for life. we were rained out at 2am but everything leading up to that was amazing - the luminaries, the laps, the good conversations with old friends - all of it. i'm glad that i could be part of something bigger than myself, and do something proactive instead of just watching my dad get progressively weaker and weaker. at least i feel like i can have a little bit of power over this, raising money to help find a cure. maybe my dad won't ever benefit from it but if i can contribute to saving somebody else's father, mother, grandma, brother, friend, whatever, then it's so worth it.

back to work tomorrow afternoon, bunch of stuff to catch up on but i can't seem to wrap my mind around going back to the every day, mundane tasks that need to be done. one foot in front of the other.

unfinished drabble

we leave our fingerprints on the window
looking out at the patio
it's cold and tired
barebone trees with white skin
gnarling against the wind
we're older now but i still remember-
fishing for perch in orillia
i played with the minnows in a bucket
and got mad anytime you hooked one for bait
i remember when we camped and got rained out at 4am
and you took me to tim hortons and i drank coffee with you in the parking lot
and it was the best camping trip i ever had
i remember when we fought and i told you that i hated you
and you didn't understand me
you didn't understand what i was going through
but it was only because you were scared
and now i know why you felt that way
i remember long summers in the backyard
hot asphalt and drinking wine on the porch
i remember when we ran through hangzhou with our shoes full of water
just trying to find a way home in the rain
and it was good because it was with you
i remember the concert when we sat in the choir loft
listening to bob dylan covers on the ride home
the first time we went to the theatre in toronto
i wore a blouse with lace sleeves and you took me for mussels
i value these seconds
when you laugh at a joke
when we watch seinfeld together at night
when we drive somewhere and i pretend to hate sergio mendez and the eagles
when you're awake at 4am and i come in and you don't tell me off for drinking too much
but sometimes i get so angry
angry at the doctors
angry at god for letting it happen
angry at you for not talking about it
angry at myself for pretending it doesn't exist-
but it does, and so do you
and so i have these moments that i hold onto
memories and most of all the present
and each breath i am thankful for
and each second i appreciate more than words
and all of this to say that i love you
and no matter what you're strong,
you're my hero,
you're the one who hooks the minnows
and takes the tent down in the rain while i wait in the warm car
watching for the sunrise

into the sea you and me

i think my saturday nights are getting progressively lamer with each passing weekend, case and point i spent tonight reading historical fiction and listening to the cure and drinking tapwater. tell me it will get better this, someone, anyone. i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up to anybody new right now or even invest myself in people i already know, it's like i'm scared to be away from home for long and i don't have the capacity to trust anybody but my family. maybe not trust in the fullest sense of the word, but more like trusting my rollercoaster emotions and fragile hopes and the big turmoil of thoughts in my head that stem from dad's cancer, to anyone else but my nearest and dearest. i don't know how to begin to go about processing the things i feel, i don't know how to relate to anyone right now - lot's of i don't knows and not enough definites. but i think the worst thing is knowing that a lot of my friends don't know how to relate to me anymore either, and that's when i feel the most alone.

john allen cameron rules

ta-da, new poster advertising the fergus scottish festival's "family day" on august 10, 08. i wanted to use the fergusson ancient tartan because it is the only one that even remotely goes with the fsf logo. i think it turned out ok anyway, it's a pretty broad audience since i had to grab kids and adults alike, as well as pique the interest of locals. i'm almost done the friday night tattoo poster and i personally don't even like it enough to post it, but whatever it's fairly striking and will appeal to the demographic that attends that tattoo. the last thing i have to do is take a picture of an air cadet tonight to put on the poster so we'll see how that goes.

i am definitely, definitely going to teach in hong kong next. i am excited beyond words for this.

big thoughts, little box

work is cool, made poster on left, doing 3 others and a few ads by end of week. /corporate

on my lunchbreak i always end up surfing Etsy putting about 50 things in my cart before convincing myself that i don't need any of them. unfortunately that only works about 80% of the time and i've already bought a tank top, jewellry, and a wallet on there. i just really like the idea of buying handmade items and supporting canadian entrepeneurs. i bought some wooden pendants from stockade in guelph and i'm going to attempt decoupaging them and, if all turns out well, trying a mixed media decoupage on a bigger canvas. this is a form of art that i'm crazy about and if i could actually make my own pieces it would be ten times cooler.

on the topic of lunchbreaks - i love working in elora because i can try out all these quaint local cafes and i find myself enjoying them all for different reasons. kringles for its buck coffee; c'est bon for its veg wraps, anne hull's hospitality and rataouille-esque french music; sante for its killer goat cheese salads; the river for michael's dashing good looks and chai tea; and finally my favourite, the refuge for providing me with 5 dollar brown bag lunches and extra karge numi lime teas. i don't think locals appreciate what our own community really has to offer as we're too busy doing drive-thru timmy's and scarfing down subway.

yesterday i did my g1 exit test for the third time. i guess i should have foreseen the result considering i lived on toronto public transit for two years then walked everywhere in china for the past year - i've only actually been driving again since march and even then i wasn't doing it a lot. i made a dumb mistake and again i had to book a test for july 9th. i hate doing the test in guelph so who knows, i may see if walkerton or orangeville have anything sooner than that. the thing about failing at something so many times is that when you finally achieve whatever it is, you'll appreciate it far more than if you got it on the first try. that's what i try to tell myself but the reality is i'm either way too tense or way too lax in the drivers seat. whatever.

my dad's doing pretty well now in terms of walking around without the assistance of a cane. he just gets easily winded and it's hard seeing him so tired and popping pills all the time but i guess that's cancer for you, slowly wearing people down. however i think my dad is pretty tough and strong and everything you need to be to fight a terminal illness. i'm proud of him for battling through it and never looking back. i hope i can be even slightly as great as he is when i'm older.

i've got the china bug back and i'm looking forward to being able to go back to teach. i don't know if i'll end up in hangzhou again - i'd really like to live in a different city for a while, maybe hong kong or shanghai, or something small like yangshuo or dare i say wuzhen. i can't stand the pollution in beijing and how cold it gets in the winter so that part of the country is out. i keep surfing Dave's ESL Cafe and getting loopy over the job postings. arrgghhh!!

i cleaned out my closet today (no, really, that isn't a song lyric)

my dad has been in the hospital for exactly a week now due to pain from the cancer that is now in his spine, some area of soft tissue, and a few other bones that unfortunately i can't recall the names of. he did a bunch of radiation treatments and is on painkillers, so he's slowly starting to walk again with a walker and a cane. i can't begin to tell you how much of an emotional rollercoaster the past two weeks have been. at the same time my family has drawn so much closer together to support each other. my brother and i talk much more, my mom and i have this amazing candidness between us now, and my dad and i spend a ton of time together. it's so wonderful to have this love shared between all of us, this honesty and this appreciation of one another, even in the midst of something so devestating and hard to deal with. each day is scary and challenging and we cry a lot but we also just get on with it and bite the bullet. i'm still working 9 to 5, still doing what i always did. i guess we need some sense of normalcy when something so close to us stops making sense. i feel in some ways that i've skipped about 10 years of my life, i have no desire to go out and party or drink or do whatever other 22 year olds are doing because i'm slowly losing my dad to cancer and its putting everything into perspective.

i woke up again this morning with the sun in my eyes

i have two nicknames, the first being stan and/or stanley which somehow got attached to me at the ripe age of 7 or so. special thanks goes to my brother for that one. my dad, my brother, and some of the people i've known since that age continue to call me that and i can't even complain anymore because unfortunately i answer to it as naturally as "danielle". nickname number two is danni and/or dani which seems to be what the americans in my life call me, i'm not too sure why exactly, is it some sort of south of the border thing? who knows. i'm not counting dtox as a nickname because it is AWFUL and an annoying college thing that sticks with you for years after (along with mismatched dish sets and weird bags).

today i went to paris (ontario, sorry no latin quarter) for first impressions community exchange and enjoyed some mild shopping and rain showers, a decent chicken wrap, and quality time with the boss-man. i enjoy my job so much it's not even funny. this week is going by way too fast.

i'm so into third eye blind again, i just adore all the songs off their self-titled album. anyone who doesn't melt at "how's it going to be" either has no heart or is donny deutsch. "motorcycle driveby" also gets me everytime. in the music vein - the new ashlee simpson cd is hilarious and i love the song hot stuff and her stupid voice, her greatness is multiplied a million-fold by the fact that she is now pete went'z WIFE. whhhaaaaaat.

my ex from a few months ago is engaged now and i guess that's weird but cool at the same time. i think that's kind of what he's been looking for for a while and now he's found that, so, you know, good on him. you have to be happy for people who are engaged, i think it says a lot about them in terms of committment and wanting to beat the divorce odds. i'm also extremely excited for my brother and my future sister in law because they're both amazing and the wedding is going to totally rule. let's be honest i'm mostly excited for the open bar.

i'm down about 26 lbs now, that's a little bizarre and i still can't see an iota of difference when i look in the mirror. my mind has not quite caught up with the rest of me and maybe because i've been chunky all my life i'll always see myself as a whale and obsess about how other people perceive me. i remember once in like grade 2 being made fun of for being bigger than the other girls - honestly i was pretty small back then so i don't even see how that worked but for most of my life i've been out of shape and stuff, never really made fun of a lot, but still. maybe this stuff sticks with you for your entire life. i can't see myself ever being 100% confident about how i look even if i lose another 26 lbs, especially compared to a lot of my friends.

i will be your ferdinand and you my wayward girl

as far as birthdays go, today was pretty good. i'm still getting used to lack of local friends and i thought today might be brutal in terms of making me feel incredibly lonely, but my lunch out with all my works friends - all married, all over the age of 50, all with kids my age my age or older - just made me feel incredibly awesome. i got a beautiful mixed media piece of artwork from my "boss" deb, a $25 gift card for mermaid antiques from margaret, cards, and from al i received a signed copy of a book he'd written on some aspects of the history of wellington county (i am a big local history buff now, dum dum dummm). from the parents - ipod speakers, mexx pants and gorgeous top, really beautiful necklace, and dinner out. also money from my relatives, a pajama sweater and purse from my grandparents, and flowers from my brother and his fiancee. pretty solid stuff. birthdays get kind of lame the older you get, i think, and i'm still not quite processing that it's come and almost gone but that seems to be the trend for me this year. delayed reactions all around.

i've now lost about 21 lbs which is a big feat for me since i'm such a fan of bread and sweet sweet cheese and am now down to weight watchers ultra thin floppy bits of bread and this bizarre no fat no taste mozarella, but that's ok by me. the best thing about losing weight is shopping for sure, i love clothes, man, and the more i can fit into the happier i am. i am still about another 25 lbs away from my "goal weight" since i've been slacking quite a bit lately but better 25 than 40.

the brochure i did for the fergus 175 stuff got published and i'm so stoked, it turned out pretty sweet. it's gratifying actually seeing something i created and being able to hold it in my hands and know it was distributed to 3000 people. that's whack.

my dad's starting radiation treatment in about two weeks from now as the cancer has spread to his upper right leg, in the bone, and also to one of his ribs. they're going to blast it down a bit so he'll be in a lot less pain. still surreal, still don't know how to really talk about all of it. i've realized though even when i'm crying about it and everything gets really overwhelming i've still never given up hoping that he'll go into remission and things will somehow turn around, despite it being stage 4. he's amazing, honestly, he's so strong and anyone who hasn't met my dad has missed out bigtime thus far. i know a lot of people are scared of him because he comes off as serious and tall and intimidating but he's a riot, funny as all get out, knows all the words to cheesy 80s songs and is terrible at guitar hero but plays it anyway. i wish everyone in the world could know him like i do.

in closing, i can't wait to see the new indiana jones. goodnight.

guys like us

my cold has hit full force and i'm thinking that a day off work will be good for me. i need to just curl up in bed in my pajamas reading stephen king novellas and drinking pomegranate tea. all. day. unfortunately i also have to hunker down this weekend and finish a bookmark ad for the centre wellington/elorafergus.travel websites bahh. i also need to start putting together a booklet on the fergus 175 anniversary and i still have no idea where i'm going with it. i don't know how to say this to the powers that be at work but i am not a graphic designer. period. i am a-okay for copywriting and i can do fairly decent art direction if i put my mind to it but i can't crank out these brochures and booklets and have them look as good as something done at a design house. that's a little depressing but then again i've never studied design in full and the only photoshop tutorials we received were two classes at seneca in which we did the lamest stuff ever, nothing near this. i wish i'd gone creative side in the last semester and practiced art direction a little more thoroughly, i KNEW i wouldn't end up on the account side, we all know suits don't suit (aha!) me anyway.

i miss crookshanks less and less each day and it's making me sad to think that. i am happy to reconnect with big ol babes again and he's good company when i get i have the mean reds or whatever audrey hepburn called it. blue funk? yellow jazz?

my brother and i are potentially taking a six day trip to las vegas and l.a. at the end of may. i am crossing my fingers so badly on this one for several reasons, the main being hello venice beach and cheesy casinos and the second being that my brother and i rarely ever have time to connect, and in the past our relationship has been somewhat rocky due to the four year age difference let alone the gender difference. dave is all airplanes and high-falutin cigars and i'm more one part drama queen two parts dashboard confessional lyrics. in my defense i'm getting better and dave and i do share a common passion for guitar hero and making fun of people. i think all laings have this certain humour gene passed on from generation to generation, we inherited the exact same sense of humour as my dad and my grandpa and i daresay great grampy alexander was in the same boat.

i'm at the point of swallowing mucus so i'm out. my dad's health went rock bottom the last couple weeks but he seems to be about 90% okay now so it's like this huge weight off my shoulders. i cried every single day for two weeks straight but now i can actually breathe again. boy oh boy.

oh-last night went to see jeremy fisher and the proclaimers play at jackhammers in brantford. killer show, especially jeremy fisher - i bought his new cd, "goodbye blue monday", and cannot stop listening to it for even a second.

of family and photoshop

i learned how to make a water droplet in photoshop, as demonstrated on the right..pretty easy stuff, just basically playing with blend modes and copious use of drop shadow and inner glow. my current graphic design projects are: an ad for the centre wellington rotary, posters for the fergus scottish festival military tattoo as well as their sunday "family day", poster for a johnny reid concert, and a spread for elora & fergus tourism that will be featured in the GRCA summer guide. sweet bro. it's nice having actual portfolio pieces under my belt. speaking of which a buddy and i are tentatively starting an ad agency, not sure of the name yet but things are under way and i'm really excited as i've now got somewhat of a base to begin from in terms of clients.

my dad's leg has been hurting him since yesterday and automatically we all assume it's something to do with the cancer but you can never be sure. it scares me a lot and i find myself going through the same process every few days: everything gradually starts to fill up inside me like a flooded well, slowly rising up, up, up until at the last moment i push it all down really fast. rinse, repeat. it's draining and it hurts but it's working, i can actually get through the day and find enough inside me to joke around with the pops and genuinely smile. i think the important thing to remember is appreciating every single second, and always hoping for the best even if others would say its unrealistic.

my favourite poem of all time is "do not go gentle into that good night" by dylan thomas. at first read it seems almost morbid and depressing but when you think about it, its telling us to not take any moment of life for granted and fight for every breath in our body. he puts it best though: rage, rage against the dying of the light.

alive with trains and passing ships

i've decided that i need to de-clutter my life. i've got a lot of things going on and i'm one of those people that tends to get stressed out at the drop of a hat but doesn't know how to deal with it. i do make a lot of lists but those stress me out too as items on them mount and bits don't get crossed off. my mom and i grabbed dinner tonight and i poured out my whole sob story about feeling lonely and bummed out about everything right now, and she managed to make me see it in a different way by identifying the root of the problem: my life right now isn't balanced. i spend most of it at work, which i adore, but i think life has to be equal parts work and play. you have to know how to relax after stringing yourself up all day. i can't seem to do that, i'm in work-mode about 80% of the time. my social life is about one night out a week with my very few friends in the area, and the rest of it is spent with my parents and/or cat. i don't do the things i love very much anymore because i'm too tired and drained, i guess emotionally too because of everything with my dad. i see myself now, and then myself a year ago, the girl who loved going out so much and was so excited about everything albeit fairly immature, and now the girl who goes to bed at 9:30 and reads nerdy books about apartheid and doesn't listen to half as much music as she'd like to. i need to take more time to be happy and just enjoy existing. i have broken down the steps i need to take:

1. change of scenery. this weekend i'm going to buy new bedding and pictures and a rug and blinds and paint a mural on my wall and repaint my stupid dresser. i'm thinking browns and dark rich purples and aquamarines, wild bold colours that will be a kick in the pants.

2. natural prozak. that's right amigos it's endorphine time. ok to be fair to myself, i've been planning to start biking the 3 or 4 k to work every day but right now it's a bit icy and cold so i'm waiting on that for another couple weeks. still.

3. trim down the excess stress. every thursday night i'm on the go from 6-9:!5 and wedged in there is 2 hours of drum instruction i give the air cadets in guelph. i am going to only do it the last thurs of every month instead.

4. pursue that which i love. more music, fiddle lessons, good movies, great books, drink weird tea flavours, knit, start going to lame concerts again, etc etc.

5. friends. solidify those which do exist and make more. not sure how to do this yet as most people my age still around fergus are bizarre and have penchant for going to stampede ranch and working at tims.

6. licence...roadtest...booking...this week......insert big cringe.

jp cormier is still seriously so wonderful, as is the new panic at the disco and hey! the entire smashing pumpkins discography too, which mysteriously downloaded its way on to my ipod over the course of 15 hours. speaking of which i dropped it one too many times and it erased all 4675 songs in the blink of an eye. i have like 820 now (mostly SP surprise surprise) and it isn't so bad, it's like starting with a clean slate.

the transition parts of our lives are so weird, you spend so much time trying to just get your footing and figure out how it's all working. i just really want to have a car and an apartment at this point and not feel so stressed, i want stuff to come together so i can stop waiting for everything to kick in or happen. i want a break so badly and i don't know how to take it or what to do besides de-cluttering in the aforementioned ways. i have the travel bug right now like crazy, too. not even china, just anywhere really, the maritimes or south africa or vietnam or ireland, even the states, i wanna get out of here.

on a less emo note my mom and i went to an arbonne thing at our friend shirley's house last night, at 8 we did the earth hour thing and just used candles and it was so freaking cool. my dad was checking the news today and mentioned that there'd been a 5% decrease in power usage in ontario because of it. isn't that awesome? it excites me so much to think what we can do for our planet when we actually band together. imagine if we had an earth hour every day, what a difference that would make.

espresso yourself

updates: i am learning to play my grandfather's 85-year old fiddle and enjoying it immensely. i have created 2 new ads at work for local businesses that are being published in "recipes to experience" this summer. i am addicted to jp cormier's music and smooth, smooth voice.

when people ask me what i miss most about china i find it really hard to answer, it's a whole needle in the haystack scenario and i have to blurt out something about the culture or the people, blah blah blah. how do you explain missing the way your life was then, the certain feeling you had wound up warm and strong in your chest? it sounds weird to say that, to explain just missing the comfort of not knowing, the bittersweet embrace of naivety, along with the comfort of routine. i miss that part of my life, that old self, but i'm happy here too and maybe that's the hardest of all to explain. i'm happy with my job (i love it, in fact), i'm happy living with my parents again for now, i'm happy being able to do things with my dad no matter how seemingly insignificant. i'm happy shopping for new lamps with my mom and watching tlc at night and sitting by the fire with my cat and going out for dinner with old friends, just as i was happy buying milktea and doing groceries at carrefour and teaching songs to my students and strolling along xi hu at 6am when it was already so humid your shirt would stick to your back. these are things i loved/love and i cannot pick one thing over the other as it's like comparing apples and oranges, or just completely unique chapters in that cliched book of life.

i honestly thought no one read this but one of my friends, steph, called the other night and told me she likes what i write. i guess it's a little strange thinking people actually check this stuff out, it's a diary really and didn't we all have little pink and purple flowery ones as kids that had those cheapy silver locks on the front? private, keep out, etc etc. i have been keeping some form of journal since i was about 9 or 10 years old, three diaries and three online journals, the former are definitely the most entertaining since at one time i apparently had a crush on aladdin. it was those bulging animated muscles i guess and everyone knows i'm a sucker for ethnic dudes.

this is a whole lot of rambling so bedtime, ciao bella

corncob pipes and rock'n'roll hair

- i like: every kind of music you can possibly imagine, best sellers, horror movies, pipe bands, the smell of chlorine, red wine, graphic design, makeover shows, mixed media, contemporary poetry, shopping, shoes, traveling, mixtapes, video games, camping, christmas, cats, & alliteration

- i have: never been completely close to anybody in my entire life except for my parents, i make friends but i am not 100% open with them nor do i let them in entirely

toronto & you

thank you for:

girl talk til sunrise
carmen electra hiphop aerobics at 4am
rilo kiley singalongs
sharing your space with me
being open again

i missed it more than i can even say.

my brother's getting married!!

sweet sweet progress

4.5 weeks: down exactly 10 lbs, hoorah

on another note, guys...what.the.hell.

but on yet another note i love my job and my co-workers very much, i have my own office area and they force me to make coffee every morning and i get a respectable title so how much better can it get! i am also on four committees of varying size and repute and am learning the intricate Art of the Committee in the process. i will keep you posted henceforth.

my dad has to speak as a quasi-witness for an old lawsuit involving certain airlines - and they're making him do it by tape next week, because they're afraid he won't be in a good enough condition next year when the proceedings actually take place. i think the lawyers are the only people on the planet who are seeing the reality of the situation.

odds and ends:

- next week i am finally biting the driver's licence bullet for the THIRD TIME
- i think i will be okay drumming in hanover in april because get this, i actually like practicing now
- i miss china more and more with each passing day and it never really goes away, it's just stuck there somewhere in my heart

goodnight moon

when you were young you were the king of carrot flowers

the first time:
we licked popsicle off our thumbs
and counted to ten with our faces in the hot brick
and we wished we were twenty five
the second time:
we washed our hands of dirty chucks and pop punk
and realized our parents were only human
and we wished we were eleven
when the sun would drip with promise
and we were all skinned knees and endless afternoons

you are still endless, just-
different
more dark and infinite and distant with words that sting like
the spaces between the stars
and you want to know
i know you do
and you understand
because who doesn't nowadays
but we're the clenched fist
white knuckle bloody ragged nails sliced palms
and you act like it doesn't matter
and maybe it doesn't to you
but we curdle and you smile
and sometimes i wonder if we were better off as children

i be on that crip tonight

i've been home for a week & a half now, acclimatizing to the temperatures and the sight of white people and yeah, mostly the food. speaking of which i've started on a diet as of yesterday and already with the loss of water weight and whatnot i'm down almost 5 lbs already, sweet. so far i've cleaned out my room and sorted out a lot of my things, and started pursuing jobs. my short term plan is to find a job by march, then have my own place by april. i feel bad living off my parents again and i hate losing the independance that comes with having your own home and space, but it's okay. i also have to get my full license so i can cap off the freedom completely. ah well.

it's snowing like crazy here and i feel unequipped to deal with these temperatures, but there's a noticeable difference between cold in canada and cold in china. china has that damp snap to it that works its way into your joints and ices the tips of your toes. canada's got that dry cold that is actually tolerable despite extreme temp.

today i have to email my resume out, tomorrow going to the grandparents and seeing some old friends, saturday going to party, sunday is pipe band performance/practice. man oh man did i miss drumming and the uncomfortable creak of ghillies on the tootsies.

i love finding new bands and listening to them all day and finding these incredible songs that become my new soundtrack. i've been listening to jawbreaker, sunny day reak estate, mineral, rites of spring and jimmy eat world, etc for quite a few years - all the old school emo stuff before anyone had romances with chemicals or confessed to dashboards - but i never really listened to samiam, having thought for some reason they were 90's hardcore. yeah, i don't know either. i'm just blown away by how great they are, i missed listening to honest to goodness emo music with that raw, non-overproduced edge to it. the kind that makes your breath catch a little and you'll keep humming a few days after your first listen. i'm actually feeling that way about the new feist album too and i know everyone and their grandma is listening to it but it's just so ridiculously catchy.

okay, so this is the ol winter day playlist for those mornings when your feet are cold and there's snow in the window and you have no committments.

1. feist - i feel it all
2. tragically hip - bobcaygeon
3. silversun pickups - lazy eye
4. arcade fire - rebellion (lies)
5. patrick wolf - magic position
6. yael naim - new soul
7. kate nash - foundations
8. okkervil river - savannah smiles
9. the national - fake empire
10. jeremy enigk - on the wayside
11. samiam - sunshine
12. bob dylan - song to woody

come in she said i'll give ya shelter from the storm

more snow today...i can't get over how stunning it is. we went for lunch at the radisson with chris and auntie lin, huge buffet, lots of sushi and red beans a la pineapple. came home and watched lost all day. i love that show, dominic monaghan somehow managed to still come across as meriadoc brandybuck despite black nailpolish and a heroin addiction. also ian somerhalder is gorgeous, so, you know.

we're doing bbq tomorrow with ivy and lisa, then friday is pancakes with kim and sightseeing. i like these busy weeks that fly by, from one weekend to the next. argh.

with your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Another lazy Monday topped with a spot of shopping and 9 new rows on my scarf. I like the ethereal quality of Mew and Muse and Modest Mouse in the afternoon, and organizing photos and buying new pretty things to drape around my neck. Tomorrow we're playing tourist and visiting some temples and scenic spots around West Lake so I can take some final snapshots of this beautiful city. Two weeks, my friend(s). Another expiry date to stamp onto this year of finalities. Too bad I'm happier than I've ever been; I can savour what I have because I have learned what it is to exist in transition, to always be living in the temporary.

The new iPod touch is a truly stunning piece of machinery so hopefully in a year from now when my 30gb video iPod has kicked the crApple battery bucket, I can trade it in for summa dat free WiFi. In the meantime I am going to invest 50 bucks in an ipod speaker deal like I've got here in HZ. The only thing that absolutely destroys me is the fact that I paid the equivalent of 15 bucks for my speakers here, and now I'll have to shell out a small fortune for the same thing. Argh! I have a hard enough time justifying shelling out for anything that equates $5 here, how am I supposed to go back to a $9.99 society?

Last night it snowed for the first time since I've been here. Just wet snow, the kind that sticks to your hair and coat and melts all wet and warm. The kids were so excited, scraping it off the cars and balling it in their fists, huge smiles all over their faces. It felt like the first time I'd ever seen it; I couldn't stop laughing at how happy they were, and I must have looked really stupid giggling to myself on my walk home. By this morning it had melted but the windows were fogged and the air was cold and crisp, our cheeks ruddy in the wind and our fingers bright red as we ventured out to Wulin Square.

Tonight: three classes, wok steak & salad, Roswell. I hope it snows again.

in which our gal takes up knitting

there it is, my biggest achievement to date: knitting a "headband" over the course of a day! this initially began as a scarf but it ended up being too wide and a little wonky. fantastic.

it's so strange that it's 2008 now. where did 2007 go? i assume it has been laid to rest somewhere in a vault amidst poofy sleeves and flavor of love re-runs. christmas here was good, one i think i'll always remember. we had wine and cheese and christmas pie, things were warm and we laughed and teased my dad over sound of music then had an incredible buffet dinner. it definitely wasn't typical but it was just as good as what we've always done at home. i guess what makes it work is the people who are there - home is wherever your family is, be it china or fergus.

new years was a little less family-oriented, seeing as richard and i put away a bottle of champagne each. theresa and i visited richard and sam and yeah, chris even made an appearance. we had pasta and dingo fell in love with chris's right leg. the next day was off so we slept and shopped and i ached a little over leaving my life here. however, life is about change and what we make of it. so that's that.

speaking of shopping - we (theresa and i) woke up early today and took to the streets. nothing compares to hot milktea at 10am and that feeling of having the whole day ahead of you, stretching out all warm and lazy. i bought some candles and a toque/beanie/whatever (i'm progressively losing my canadian-isms and any semblance of the english language) plus season tree of 4400. and the knitting supplies. theresa just took off for work so i'm going to whip up some dinner - we're going to the night market in a couple hours, and i'm not really looking to buy anything, maybe just black ugg style boots if i can find them in my size and undoubtedly some sort of scarf since i can apparently not walk two feet without buying one.

this is easily the funniest/strangest thing ever...taken from danwei.org:

2008 is barely a week old and already the Chinese blogosphere is exploding with snark about a badly made, CCTV propaganda program about the dangers of the Internet. The program featured a young girl who claimed to have seen a shocking web page that was 'very yellow [i.e. pornographic], very violent'.

danger will robinson! she claimed that the web page randomly "popped up" which is leading to speculation from Chinese netizens about how it is possible for such a thing to happen unless actively pursued or clicked on. i feel bad for the girl but still, CCTV has once again enriched everyone's lives with its hilarity. thanks, china!

with burnt sage and a forest of bygones

i tried to make it feel photoboothy but who are we fooling. i'm spending every waking second with my stupid cat. make it count. he sleeps folded up like a pretzel against my arm, nose pressed to my hand and if i move just a little bit he'll lick my knuckle and mewl in protest. my heart breaks everytime i look at him, i hate being so attached to an animal that i'll never see again in three weeks. not even ten years with our fat old tabby at home have compared to the four months raising a kitten and teaching him not to pee on the couch (he still does) or headbutt my hand when i'm trying to fill his food dish (yep, he still does). when i'm home and living in my own little $600 a month bachelor in guelph, i hope to get a cat from the humane society, preferably one over it's couch peeing and headbutting phases, aka 2 or 3 years old, maybe older. i just really enjoy the companionship of a pet which is probably why i will grow up to own five hundred surly tabbies and never marry.

oddly enough i cannot wait to go home now that i know it's really happening. i keep picturing what i'll do, those early morning walks for coffee and taking up a million hobbies. i have to-do lists for my to-do lists at this point. i want to learn mandarin and sewing and figure out how to bake a pie and knit a scarf. i think i can do anything now; living alone halfway across the world from what you know has a certain way of empowering you. funnily enough the only thing that now terrifies me is jumping back into the advertising industry. i'm afraid i won't be good enough or that i'm so out of touch with marketing that i'll fall flat on my face. who knows.

i am now an avid fan of neutral milk hotel, matt pond pa, and the new shins and against me! albums. i am also hooked on the 4400. i consume media faster than hz consumes mi fan.

i'm trying to make a diary/journal deal of my experiences here in china, and i have quite a few pages now of taped tickets and horrible poetry that only manages to wax pathetic. i wish i could write. i think i can i think i can i think i can.

i remain yours faithfully,

the consummate cat lady